Filtrer par genre
Better Sex is focused on helping all couples create and enjoy their best possible sex life. Better Sex is hosted by Jessa Zimmerman who is a couples’ counselor and nationally certified sex therapist. Each episode will dive into one topic related to sex. Some will be devoted to addressing sexual concerns like sexual dysfunction, differences in sexual desire, and intimacy problems. Some will help you develop realistic and helpful expectations. And some will offer information and approaches that can just make your sex life better.The information and discussion on the podcast should not be taken as medical advice or as therapy. Please seek out qualified professionals for medical and therapeutic advice.
- 605 - Ep225: Boozy Bestie Advice for Sex and Relationships – Desiree Simone
For the final episode of the Better Sex Podcast, blogger Desiree Simone shares her journey on divorce and how it led to her blogging her feelings as she was going through the process. More than a decade later, through her blog that evolved into a podcast, Desiree lets us in on the most common mistakes that she gets from people regarding relationships, dating and sex and the kind of advice she gives on every challenge and mistake.
With the onslaught of social media, one common mistake is still having a social media communication with your ex-partner. It is one thing when you just want to see what the other person is up to, but even just looking is a form of engagement. There is a slippery slope in this scenario, although still on a case-by-case basis, of becoming a little bit obsessed as to what they’re doing and looking at it every day. There’s a great danger of going down that rabbit hole of really trying to get additional information. You then would wonder why it is important to you suddenly? Are you just platonic Facebook friends? The emotional response is the one that you need to be careful of because it can get you asking whether you still have feelings for your ex? Am I really over this person? Am I ready to move on?
You also must think about the effect it would have on your current partner once they find out that you still have that emotional connection that you are holding on to. Ask yourself: How would you feel if your partner was doing the same thing? If you realized you wanted to get back to your partner, you must be honest even if it will make you look bad.
Another problem still related to social media is the need to make all aspects of the relationship public. It tends to create chaos because you are inviting other people to put their two cents in. Ask yourself: Why do you need to do it and to what gain? Creating an image of a perfect relationship or marriage on social media is dangerous as it feels the need to compete.
Top bad decisions people make about sexual relationships
The biggest mistake people make is not openly communicating to their partner the things that they like and do not like. It is important to let your partner in. We all must be better at being able to talk effectively to our partner about things that work or do not work for us. Sex is about you too and not just your partner. It is important to find ways to make the experience amazing for both parties. Fake orgasms do not serve anybody, and you will be miserable doing it.
Another thing in line with this is talking about things that you might want to try. Do not repress it because you might end up being resentful in the end. You should feel comfortable enough with your partner to open up. If you are on the receiving end of this, you should welcome any conversation without judgement, even if it is something you don’t have any interest in doing. Be accepting, even if you are not interested and try to find a happy medium. There should be no kink shaming.
Another thing is the issue of watching porn and masturbating. Some people think that this is a form of cheating. If this is an issue, it is important to step back and really understand where your partner is coming from and why they have this thought about porn and masturbation. From there, start to peel the layers to understand but whatever you do, do not feel like it’s your responsibility to change your partner’s mind.
Biography:
Desiree Simone is a blogger and host of the “Break Bottles, Not Hearts” podcast. She’s known as “The Boozy Bestie”, your go-to friend who helps with relationship issues with love and good cocktails. Originally from Georgia, Simone has a dual degree in Public Relations and Rhetoric and worked for Carnival Cruise Lines for over 10 years as a Production Singer. Her take on love, sex and dating is equal parts honest, funny, inappropriate and vulnerable. Never shy to make fun of herself and learn from her mistakes, she enjoys being a safe space for all those who venture in the world of love, hoping they are not alone.
Resources and links:
Podcast: Break Bottles, Not Hearts
Instagram: @iamdsimone
Blog: Desiree-Simone.comMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 19 Apr 2022 - 46min - 604 - 224: Pregnancy and Postpartum Challenges for Sex – Paula Leech
In the quest to know the various kinds of things that get in the way of sexual desire, sex therapist Paula Leech walks us through two situations that probably have the most profound impact on sex life and interest in being sexual for couples, particularly in women: pregnancy and having a baby. What are the challenges and opportunities, as well as strategies for people who are in either of these stages?
Fertility is getting more and more challenging nowadays because of the life that we live in, so more and more couples are struggling to get pregnant and needing to have intervention. What we know as a natural human process now becomes an intense one, and all the anxiety can just hijack it and make it all so hard. As a result, sex can become something that is very clinical, high stress, high pressure, and obligated. The fun and the casual nature of it can shift. Having to do the process month after month on a somewhat scheduled basis can have a dramatic change in the nature of a couple’s sex life and can really impact their experience and interest in being sexual.
Barriers to intimacy after giving birth / adding a child to the family
Giving birth or having an addition to your family changes your life, and your sexuality is profoundly impacted by this. Your world just flipped upside down, and the reality is that your body will be in survival mode. It will take different amounts of time to recover. The baby’s needs are so consuming; your spouse’s sexual needs can easily go down the priority list. Physically, changes after birth can also complicate sexuality. Chemically, having sex with the partner can be replaced by bonding with the baby as mothers get the same kind of hormones. So, the biological reality is you can easily lose desire to have sex during this period for the first one or so years.
Reconnecting with partner
During these two phases, challenges around sex and finding connection with your partner are discovered. On top of the insane amount of change happening, you can also find yourself renegotiating the roles in your relationship with your partner, as well as getting to know your partner as a co-parent. This is also the phase where you will be finding yourself, as well. When you can’t find yourself, you are not going to feel good about sharing yourself with another person. Desire is such a complicated recipe. You got to feel tethered to yourself enough and be comfortable in your own skin to be able to show yourself.
How to maintain a sense of intimate connection, maintain some focus on pleasure and presence
There is no going back to normal after either of these processes. Anxiety is the primary culprit for most sexual dysfunctions. if you are stressed, the body shuts down sexual functioning. Also, this may be the first time that you will be confronting a big change to your sex life, but it definitely won’t be the last thing you are going to adapt to because your sexual life will just undergo natural changes (as you get older, for example). Bear in mind that this is a season. This is a hard, painful, and vulnerable experience for couples to go through, and there is no going around it. It may require talking again about what intimacy means now, how to expand that definition of intimacy and find ways to get connected with your partner. Seek help if needed. Most importantly, give yourself a lot of credit and grace as you are navigating the most profound amount of changes in such a small amount of time.
Biography:
Paula received her bachelor’s degree in Family and Human Development at Arizona State University and then went on to receive her master’s degree in Family Therapy at the University of Massachusetts, in Boston. Post family therapy licensure, Paula became AASECT (American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certified as a sex therapist and worked with individuals, relationships, and families in private practice in Boston, Massachusetts for ten years. In that time, she received AASECT certification as a Supervisor of Sex Therapy and co-founded a sex therapy agency and training institute where we saw clients in addition to training therapists to become competent, confident sex therapists themselves. Paula continues to regularly present at various training institutes as well as Universities and therapy agencies across New England.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.paulaleech.com/
Instagram: @paulaleechtherapyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 11 Apr 2022 - 42min - 603 - 223: Premature Ejaculation – Keeley Rankin
Keeley Rankin joins me in a conversation to talk about solutions for Premature Ejaculation. She talks about the anxiety attached to this problem, various approaches and why they don’t work, and her five-model approach to help with early ejaculation.
What Qualifies as Premature Ejaculation
Keeley’s work as a sex coach is oriented around connecting and communicating with one’s body and focusing on making the experience pleasurable. She defines the experience of early ejaculation as ‘an anxious feeling of how long one is going to last during the act’. While for many it’s a matter of normalizing and educating on what’s expected. For others, it’s an ‘anxiety response to arousal’. She categorizes each case as either severe, moderate or mild.
Where Does Anxiety Start?
Keeley believes this anxiety could either be traced back to someone’s early sexual experiences or could cultivate in the later part of life. She notes that many of her clients are unaware of the anxiety they’re experiencing in everyday life and warns people not to take random advice.
Thoughts on Conventional Treatments
She refutes some conventional approaches to early ejaculation, such as thinking about something not sexy during sex, strengthening one’s kegel muscles, using SSRIs, and numbing sprays. She presses the importance of being present and connected with your body’s sensations during sex rather than numbing them.
Five-Model Approach
Keeley talks about her five-model approach to help people with early ejaculation. She takes us through the five steps of breath, anal breath, arousal and anxiety curve, and spreading erotic energy through the whole body. The approach focuses on being able to slow down, relax the sphincter and pelvic floor area, breathe down your body and master the ability to hold the higher arousal state without anxiety.
Tune into the episode to learn about each step in the five-model approach!
Pleasure Work as Individuals and for Couples
People work on this individually to understand the theoretical process and lay a foundation through self-pleasure until one can become capable of enjoying sex without the anxiety. They can then increase the stimulation through movement, noise or by adding new things, and then lastly bringing in a partner. She adds that a partner could be included to do bodywork.
How Can a Person Bring it Up with Their Partner?
Keeley advises partners to communicate around pleasure without pressuring the other person or consulting a professional to help when communication gets difficult.
Biography:
Keeley Rankin is a sex and relationship coach, pleasure advocate and a sexy-preneur. She works with individuals and couples who want to embrace their innate desires, build sexual confidence, and fully realize their sexual potential.
Keeley received her master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and has been featured in media outlets such as The Huffington Post and Oprah Magazine. She’s trained in Hakomi Therapy and Recreation of the Self, both body-based mindful therapeutic modalities for uncovering and healing subconscious and childhood wounds. For seven years, she worked closely with the world-renowned author and transpersonal psychotherapist who coined the phrase ‘spiritual bypass’, John Welwood.
As an expert in male sexual struggles, she created the Premature Ejaculation Mastery Video Course for men to learn to last longer in bed from the privacy of their own homes.
She also specializes in facilitating deep erotic connections for couples. Pre-Covid, she would meet couples in Paris for the unique-extreme-sexy-connected date night – private sessions aimed to prep the couple for an evening at a sex club.
Resources and links:
Website: keeleyrankin.com
Course: https://www.keeleyrankin.com/premature_ejaculation_video_course_sale
Instagram: @Just.The.Tip.Sex.CoachMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 04 Apr 2022 - 36min - 602 - 222: Testosterone for Women – Dr. Matt Chalmers
This episode talks about hormones and how it affects sexual function and overall health of women in particular. Dr. Matt Chalmers explains two primary hormones in women, testosterone and estrogen, and what we can do to keep their levels in check and keep your sex drive up.
Testosterone and estrogen
Dr. Chalmers said the problem he ran into is people think that women should focus on their nestrogen levels, which is not really the case. For sexual conversation purposes and if you are experiencing hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness, headache and/or joint pains, we need to look at the estrogen level. Otherwise, we look at your testosterone level, because as we start raising that, the body will convert testosterone into estrogen, balancing the two hormones.
What is the function of testosterone in women?
For health purposes, testosterone helps regenerate muscles (your heart is a muscle, your blood vessels all have muscles in them, so this aspect is important). But for sexual functions, testosterone in men can make a lot of things better from a physiological standpoint such as erection. What people fail to remember is that the clitoris is the same tissue embryonically, so you can also get more nerve functions and more blood flow into the clitoris if you give women the right amount of testosterone. A stronger orgasm, for example, is often noticed with higher levels of testosterone.
Are there any lifestyle changes that are going to affect testosterone levels?
Stress plays a big part, so your stress level will be evaluated first. We bring nutrients level back to where they’re supposed to be, and then we work on your mind so you can learn how to deal with your stress. That can naturally bring testosterone levels up. However, there is a point in time where your stress, your genetics and everything plays a big role where if we cannot bring it up after that, then we go to the injections, and that will get us where we need to be.
Are there risks/potential side effects for women using testosterone supplementation?
Clotting is a safety factor to look at. With higher testosterone, blood gets thicker, so you need regular blood tests. Typical side effect in men is hair loss. With women, some experience acne, darkening of hair, and a good chance that you will gain weight. It ramps up your metabolism so you’ll lose fat but gain muscle, so you may look skinnier but not lose weight on the scale. In that aspect, it will not help with weight loss but will work on fat loss.
Hormone therapy
Hormone therapy is recommended to be done for the rest of your lives for its physiological benefits – osteoporosis, heart functions, sexual functions. If we can find a way to take the stress away and bring testosterone levels naturally back up to 100, that is better than medical intervention. But in this time that we live in, there are lots of factors that affect our hormone levels – bad nutrition, bad sleep, high stress and environmental toxins. With hormone therapy intervention, we are increasing the quality of life by changing the physiology a little bit so we can have all the functions that we want to have. Dr. Chalmers underscored, however, that we still need to look hard at the stress level because even with even with high-level testosterone, high sex drive may not be possible. It could be that you fix how your days are structured first before we change the chemistry in your body.
Biography:
Dr. Matt Chalmers is a health and wellness expert, author and speaker who specialises in the areas of long-term wellness, nutrition, women’s health, weight loss, athlete wellness and holistic healing.
With a client list that includes professional athletes, business executives, politicians and celebrities, Dr. Chalmers takes a holistic-based approach with patients to identify and treat the source of their issues. Medical doctors regularly refer patients to Dr. Chalmers when traditional medications and treatments are not working with their patients.
Dr. Chalmers works with patients to identify, treat and manage a wide variety of issues, including weight loss/gain, digestive problems, chronic fatigue, pain, injuries, celiac disease, chiropractic problems, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel syndrome and plantar fasciitis. He also provides patients with hormone therapy guidance and treatment.
Dr. Chalmers is the author of the bestselling book “Pillars of Wellness,” which helps readers cut through the information overload about wellness, exercise and diet to figure out the actions they can take that will have the greatest impact. The book details how to fuel the body physically, mentally and spiritually.
“How the Chiropractor Saved My Life” by Deborah Bain, M.D. is about her personal journey as a patient through a broken medical system. It details the problems caused by traditional medications and treatments and prominently features Dr. Chalmers as one of the doctors who helped her finally overcome severe health issues and end years of pain and suffering.
Dr. Chalmers received his degree of Doctor of Chiropractic from Parker Chiropractic College in Dallas. He has a Bachelor of Science in Health and Wellness, is a Certified Clinical Chiropractic Neurologist, a Certified Chiropractic Sports Practitioner and has additional certifications in spinal decompression and quantum reflex analysis. He currently lives in Dallas with his wife.
Website: https://chalmerswellness.com/More info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 28 Mar 2022 - 28min - 601 - 221: Sexual Communication – Dr. Tara
Do you know the real secret to having an amazing sex life? After years of research and talking to thousands of respondents, Dr. Tara might have unlocked the answer to that big question. Learn what you can do to start having better sex with your partner and how to get that satisfaction that we need in our sex lives.
What is sexual satisfaction?
Sexual satisfaction is a subjective measure of how you feel about your sex life. There could be a lot of factors affecting this, but generally, it’s not merely counting how many times you are having sex with your partner to say that you have a healthy sexual relationship, but it’s about a subjective evaluation of your life. Do you feel good about your sex life? Are you having great sex with your partner? Do you find your intimate encounters pleasurable?
How to achieve that high sexual satisfaction
Results from Dr. Tara’s study showed that sexual communication is the strongest variable – inside or outside sex – in predicting sexual satisfaction in couples in the long run. Sexual communication can mean easily having sex talk with your partner. It also covers communication during sex and how much you are able to express yourself verbally and non-verbally. Other strong indicators are sexual confidence and sexual self-esteem. Simply put, this is about feeling confident about yourself during sex as well as having a positive feeling about your body and sexuality. It is important to know, though, that before achieving all of these, you must first practice sexual mindfulness – being mindful during the act of sex, being extremely present and consumed by the moment.
Sexual communication in and out of sex
Becoming aware that you want to improve your sex life is critical because sexual communication is not something that you can force on people. No matter how you emphasize the importance of sexual communication, deciding to want to have better sex is a personal choice at the end of the day. Dr. Tara suggests doing regular sex talks or “sexy check-ins” where you and your partner can genuinely express any concerns about your sex life, if any. Sexual communication can be vulnerable so approaching it in a positive way is also important.
During sex, you can verbally express your pleasure or perhaps verbally adore your partner. If you’re not the talking type, you can also do so many things non-verbally to relay your message to your partner and maintain that positive sexual communication.
Still having sexual problems?
People usually avoid sex talks because they’re afraid to hear bad news or hear criticisms or despair and they wouldn’t know what to do. If it’s obvious that you are having sexual problems in a long-term relationship, do not hesitate to seek help from professional sex/relationship therapists. A lot of times sex issues are not just about sex so it’s easier to have a third professional person to know what the problem really is. While you’re at it, be mindful of your own body as a sexual being, work on yourself and be with yourself first.
Biography:
Dr. Tara is a tenured professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University Fullerton, an award-winning researcher, a relationship coach at luvbites.co, and a podcast host at Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast. She recently gave a TEDx Talk titled Become Sexually Powerful that highlights her 5,000-participant study examining variables that predict sexual satisfaction, and her journey from a sexually anxious girl from Thailand to a sexually confident woman.
Headshot: Attached
Links:
My website
https://www.luvbites.co/
TEDx talk
https://www.ted.com/talks/become_sexually_powerfulMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 22 Mar 2022 - 35min - 600 - 220: Body Freedom – Elizabeth Dall
Elizabeth Dall talks about “body freedom,” the antidote to body shame and self-consciousness that many of us, if not all, experience at some point in our life. Body image issues affect mostly women and are often a great barrier to be interested in sex in an otherwise healthy relationship. In this episode, learn how to accept your body the way it is and take that first step to your own “body freedom.”
What is body freedom?
Freedom is the ability to experience something how you want to experience it. It does not mean being immune to having difficult days with our bodies, but it does mean being able to make the choice to step into freedom. It all boils down to having a choice: you can choose to stay stuck or frustrated in a negative body image or choose to step into the body image that you want to create for yourself.
Acceptance before change
One way to start a change on our body is actually by learning to accept the body that we have so we can work with it. It is about learning how to work with your body to create the change so that it’s sustainable. Allow yourself first the freedom to the change that you want and step into that identity before you even begin the change.
What does “working with your body” mean?
Whenever we want to change something in our body, we tend to detach from that body and we seemingly wanting to be another person with that change. When you work with your body, you see and acknowledge where your body is as well as where you want it to go, and the only way to be able to get there is if I learn how to work with it. To do that, we learn how to sustain habits that we enjoy so that we can keep going.
You are capable of creating change
We have been told by media, influencers and other “outside voices” that this is the way you’re supposed to look, this is what you’re supposed to exercise, or this is the way you’re supposed to eat. But it is a losing battle if we follow what they want us to do because if you don’t see results then you will just be frustrated. Know that you are capable of creating change within yourself. You are capable of choosing movements that you enjoy, dealing with your emotions, and knowing when to eat or stop eating. Your body speaks to you but there’s so much noise outside telling you things that are not really suitable for you.
What do you say to people who don’t love their body to the point that it’s affecting relationships?
Step into the idea of body freedom. It is a safe space to see your body for the good that it is. When you start to show up in this way, you give yourself unapologetic permission to show up as you are so you can then show up in that relationship. You may also want to start a gratitude practice and be thankful for what your body does for you every day. Then find a body freedom practice – an action you take that will help you step into this idea of feeling body acceptance, freedom, and love.
Biography:
Elizabeth Dall, M.S., CEP, is the owner of awomanofwellness.com and helps women heal their relationship with food and their bodies and experience joy in wellness. Elizabeth believes every woman has the knowledge of what she truly needs deep within herself and that they can learn to love their bodies, heal their relationship with food, and find joy in exercise and movement. She helps by offering online programs and personalized coaching to women searching for food freedom and a desire to live a happy, healthy lifestyle without limitations.
SHOW NOTES LINKS:
Elizabeth’s two free guides to help you overcome emotional eating and ditch the diets without ditching your goals:
Overcome emotional eating free mini course: https://a-woman-of-wellness.ck.page/overcome-emotional-eating
Intro to intuitive eating guide: https://awomanofwellness.com/nomorediets
If you’re interested in healing your relationship with your body and food for good and experience a lifetime of freedom from dieting, emotional eating, body shame, and never hitting your goals, join the waitlist for Elizabeth’s signature Food Freedom program experience” http://awomanofwellness.com/foodfreedomMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 15 Mar 2022 - 27min - 599 - 219: No, this is not your soul mate – Tracy Crossley
This is not your soul mate
How we were raised as kids, how consistent our parents (or caretakers) were, and how safe and loved we felt when we were young can shape our attachment style during our adulthood. Tracey Crossley walks us through secure and insecure attachments in relationships and how our upbringing plays out in our intimate relationships as adults.
Insecure and secure attachments
Our relationship with our caretakers from the time we are born greatly affects our having either a secure or insecure attachment with other people in our adulthood. Secure attachment starts when the child trusts the caretakers and feels an emotional bond with them. They don’t worry that if you leave the room you’re not coming back. On the other hand, if there is insecure attachment, the child can have different reactions and could become avoidant. These experiences as kids, we bring with us to adulthood.
How does insecure attachment show up?
It shows up in a variety of ways, but many people don’t realize where it’s coming from. Naturally, deep down, all of us want to be securely attached and feel loved. But our conditioning says something different, so we seek what we know. We repeat the same sort of familiar feeling and situation that we had as a child. It affects how we feel and how we act. This sometimes led to confusion and even attracting dysfunctional relationships. Even though we want something different, part of us wants the familiar, which doesn’t serve us so well.
Do we have a soulmate?
People would be looking for a unicorn when they look for their soulmate. People who are securely attached do not say they found their soulmate. They usually are just happy that being with their partner feels good and there is no need to give it a label. When you do not have that sense of security, that’s when you tend to come up with labels as though it’s some sort of magical thing that’s going to happen. The idea of happiness and satisfaction about finding your soulmate is a moment in time and not related to reality. It’s just about the fantasy you have about what the other person is bringing to you and how it will make you feel.
How do insecurely attached people respond to sex vs securely attached people?
Insecurely attached people usually perform acrobatics in the bedroom. They’re all about how great they are at sex and that’s like their secret weapon. They’re going to hook you through sex and do whatever it takes to hold on to you, so you don’t go away. Very strong feelings of desperation are usually involved in insecurely attached people. Meanwhile, securely attached relationships are not so much about just sex but how you are creating intimacy. Sex is a part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship, and the intimacy comes from emotions rather than the physicality.
Anxiety in relationships
Tracey Crossley paints a picture of anxious-avoidant, anxious and avoidant people and how they react whenever they are in a relationship, or lack thereof. She stresses that one big thing missing in a healthy relationship is anxiety. Instead, there should always be progression. Moreover, do not dwell in a fantasy land looking for that perfect partner. Always do a reality check, be in the moment and deal with all the disappointments it could bring rather than living in fantasy and prolonging your agony.
Biography
Tracy Crossley is a behavioral relationship expert, author, and podcast host, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform, impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more. With a background in psychology, an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience, Tracy shows her clients how to permanently change the repetition of the unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled cycles personally and professionally. Tracy’s popular weekly mental health podcast, Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love offers listeners a different perspective when it comes to breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors that keep them stuck repeating pain-inducing actions on auto-pilot. The podcast addresses folks who want to deal with their emotional baggage and get unstuck, happy, and have a clear mindset. She also has a monthly podcast called Moving On, where she invites guests to speak about their life experience in overcoming difficult times to be successful and happy in their lives.
Resources and links:
Website: https://tracycrossley.com/
Instagram: instagram.com/tracylcrossley/?hl=enMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 07 Mar 2022 - 29min - 598 - 218: [Personal Story] A Journey Through Miscarriage – Jessica
A Journey Through Miscarriage
This episode talks about a very sensitive topic – miscarriage. Losing a baby is heartbreaking, no matter when it happens, and Jessica bravely shares her experience when she and her husband lost their baby. She reveals how she healed – physically, mentally, and emotionally – what moms who suffered the same should know about their options when going through this, and how the experience impacted her relationship with her husband.
Women have options
When you suffer a miscarriage, you would be going through a traumatic loss, but life goes on. You should try and take care of yourself by sticking to a regular sleep schedule, eating well, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Jessica also underscores the fact that women should know the options that each person can take to navigate the process in a way that’s best for them and to honor that process of grieving that needs to happen.
The journey after a miscarriage
Pregnancy loss is only the beginning. What your mind and body will have to go through are completely different journeys unique to every mother. Jessica’s body did not know that it stopped the development of the baby for a couple weeks already until they went for what’s supposed to be just routine checkup. Jessica shares what they did to help her body resolve the miscarriage and start the process of healing.
Impact of the experience on intimacy?
Jessica shares that the bitter and painful experience brought her and her husband so much closer. There was bickering as they were both grieving but she said they just kept coming back and remembering that they are on each other’s team and were in it together. They took a few days off apart from each other and the space allowed them to reflect and integrate the process.
Time to heal and grieve
Time is often the best healer. After a pregnancy loss, the body needs time to get back to normal and so does your mind and emotional health. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process and spend time to stop and acknowledge the loss. Jessica bravely shared her journey because as she felt the surge of grief from other people, she also felt that these very same people might have losses of their own that are left ungrieved.
You are not alone
Amidst the feeling of guilt, anger, shock, sadness and sense of failure, Jessica emphasizes that no one should feel alone during the process. As Jessica put it, we can ask for help and we can be out loud about what we are quietly shouldering in this journey. We should talk more about the whole fertility process – not just in trying to conceive but also about being parents. We should try to bring discussions about this to the foreground rather than in the background, so we don’t have to do it alone.
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/218-personal-story-a-journey-through-miscarriage-jessicaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 01 Mar 2022 - 30min - 597 - 217: Overcoming Anger and Resentment – Rich Heller
“Conflict Coach” Rich Heller enlightens us on resentment, anger, and other negativities that couples can get into that can get in the way of their sex life. If you or your partner is buried in resentment, this episode will help you get on the same team again and work on your sex life.
How do people get buried in years of negative feelings?
In the beginning of a relationship, there is often a honeymoon stage where everything seems perfect, and you are deeply in love with each other. At some point, this stage ends. Not that you stop loving each other, but reality hits and suddenly you are not the center of each other’s universe. It becomes clear you are not with the fantasy partner you may have imagined. All the little unresolved resentments and feelings about different expectations can build over time, creating a structure of resentment and even hostility. It’s also possible one partner is doing harmful stuff to the other that just can’t be overlooked.
When anger gets in the way of intimacy
Firstly, check if there is something in your past that was triggered that made you angry. Writing it in a journal helps so you can eventually share it with your partner. Since anger is most likely a mechanism to feel powerful when one cannot express their more vulnerable, underlying emotions, it is crucial for partners on the other end of angry expressions to understand what emotions and factors are driving the anger. Expressing differences freely is important to a more positive outcome.
What about make up sex?
Some couples say they have sex when mad because it is a way of reconnecting and resolving their issues. Very often, sex is a way to release anger. But the more this dynamic builds up and the more the fighting becomes regular, then the angry sex is going to stop too. Yes, sex can be a release or a form of connecting, but over time, if what’s behind it isn’t dealt with, even that’s going to drop out.
Forgiveness and moving on
How do you forgive and forget about the past? We need to see our partners wrestle with remorse and accountability in order to move forward. That’s where healing would come from. You need to know why they did what they did and what to look out for in the future so you can both talk about it as it’s coming up – before it happens again. You need to understand the why to figure out how to heal and grow and make the relationship better.
Biography:
Rich Heller MSW, CPC, ELI MP
Rich is a “Conflict Coach” who works with people engaged in high levels of conflict so that they can create cooperation out of conflict. He works with individuals and couples, focusing on how they can have a relationship that works with minimum friction and maximum support for their children. Additionally Rich helps organizations and businesses transform destructive conflict into a vehicle for change and innovation.
He went to Vassar College for his BA, Hunter School of Social Work for his MA, trained in mediation with the Centre for Understanding in Conflict, and trained in Parent Coordination through the AFCC. He is a Certified Professional Coach, and an ELI Master Practitioner.
No stranger to conflict, Rich Heller grew up in NYC, is a child of divorce, has been divorced, and successfully remarried. He and his partner Katherine have been married for over 20 years and launched six children into the world.
Resources and links:
Website: https://richinrelationship.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVj35RVXHgu-4irxB0_5ukQ
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/217-overcoming-anger-and-resentment-rich-hellerMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 21 Feb 2022 - 33min - 596 - 216: Co-Creating a Sex Life Over Time – Chelsea Wakefield
Co-Creating a Sex Life Over Time
What does it really take to make a sex life last? How do archetypes about sex, expectations, and love capacities all come together to be a starting point for you and your partner to have conversations and do things differently to co-create a lasting relationship and sex life? Psychotherapist Dr Chelsea Wakefield explains how to co-create a sex life that you can be excited about for the rest of your life, and how you can build soulful relationships that endure challenges and changes.
Sexuality and long-term relationships
Couples in long-term relationships commonly struggle with sexuality at some point and begin to have questions about what can be done to help the relationship move forward to maintain a meaningful connection during the arc of the relationship. What are the elements that can make a relationship and sex life thrive over time?
Prioritize personal development
Sexuality should be a priority for couples. Some questions that may be asked before committing to co-creating a sex life: Why would you want to engage in co-creating a sexual relationship? What would it bring in your life? Co-creating a sexual relationship encompasses so many dimensions of relationship including knowing one’s self and defining one’s self as a sexual being. It takes a lot of personal development in each of the parties, otherwise it will not thrive. You don’t change your partner but rather, both need to work on themselves in order to co-create a dynamic sex life.
Communication is key
Sex is far from being a natural process. Communication is key to making it last. And communication is not just about talking and saying what you want but knowing who in you is talking and being able to do the necessary shifts. How do I get in touch with my sensual self? How do I access my playful self? How do I shift out of “responsible mother self” to “responsible lover” or “playmate”? How can I and my partner get there together?
Labyrinth of Love
In her latest book Labyrinth of Love, Dr Wakefield talks about love capacities that can be applied to any aspect of a relationship, including sexuality. Learn about commitment, courage, curiosity, communication, compassion, and creativity and how these affect the success of a relationship.
Teamwork
Self-awareness is crucial in making a relationship thrive. But at the end of the day, it’s teamwork that will make it happen. Once you discover your own history, anxieties, trauma, etc., you share that with your partner and work together as a sexual team and make it a journey of mutual growth. When couples are distressed about the limits of what they’ve tried and feel stuck, know that these roadblocks may not just simply go away but can be transcended by personal growth. Make co-creation of your sexual relationship worth it and something that both of you want to engage in. Step out of the box and encounter each other anew to open the possibility that the other person can engage in the process.
Biography:
Dr. Chelsea Wakefield is Director of the Couples Centre for University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences. She is a psychotherapist, educator, conference facilitator, public speaker, and author. Dr. Wakefield has written 3 books:
– Labyrinth of Love
– Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty
– In Search of Aphrodite: Women, Archetypes and Sex Therapy
She is also creator/facilitator of the Luminous Women Weekend
Dr. Wakefield believes:
The time we invest in healing wounds of the past, rewriting limiting life scripts, and becoming more consciously aware helps us to make more responsible, respectful choices in life. It determines the quality of our relationships. Our level of consciousness and presence benefits everyone around us, life partners, friends, co-workers, community and ultimately our world.
Resources and links:
Website: http://chelseawakefield.org/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChelseaWakefieldPhD
Twitter: @LuminousWoman
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/216-co-creating-a-sex-life-over-time-chelsea-wakefieldMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 14 Feb 2022 - 37min - 595 - 215: The Wonderful World of Sex Toys – Searah Deysach
The World of Sex Toys
Sex educator, Searah Deysach, takes us to the fun and playful world of sex toys. Founder and owner of Early to Bed, Chicago’s first woman-owned sex shop that sells high-quality sex toys, Searah shares her expertise on the different kinds of sex toys and why people use them. For people in a relationship, learn how to talk to your partner about it, how to use it as a couple and how to introduce it to your sexual play. Haven’t tried using a sex toy? Have a listen to know how it could be beneficial and fun!
Why do sex toys exist and why do people seek them out?
On the most basic level, sex items exist to enhance people’s sex lives. To some people, they may have more therapeutic uses, or tools to solve a certain problem. But for a lot of people, sex toys are used to make sex more fun. Interestingly, the word sex toy has gotten a bad rap all of a sudden, so instead, for marketing purposes, people are calling it a “wellness item” instead of a vibrator. Calling them a different name does not really change anything, but if calling it a wellness item gets it into someone’s hand, then it’s great. The more people see it as part of a healthy sex life, the better it is for everybody.
What is a good entry point for people who want to own their first sex toy?
There is still a lot of stigma surrounding these products, but there are a lot of sex toys that are discreet that you can easily take with you. Vibrators are always a good entry point. They are versatile and do not interrupt a person’s sex life. Getting the first toy can be intimidating, so whether you plan to buy in store or online, do not hesitate to ask questions. Making an informed choice before you start gives you the best chance of making the toy work for you.
When in a relationship, how do you bring it up to your partner?
Talking about sex is one of the hardest conversations people have, but it can also be one of the most vital to having good sex. If you want to bring a sex toy in a relationship, do not frame it as a problem solver. If you want more sensation or more orgasm, make it sound more fun as opposed to not having good enough sex with your partner. Finding toys geared towards couples can also be helpful. As with almost anything, communication is key.
Do men find sex toys emasculating?
Men are burdened with the thought that they’re supposed to give their partners pleasure and that using a sex toy is somehow emasculating. It is not emasculating to get help from toys. What’s worse and actually a disservice to partners is having to fake orgasms just to make the partner feel good about themselves. In the end, we are all responsible for our own pleasure, and we enlist our partner with that. Using toys to elevate the experience and make us all happy should be fully embraced.
Biography:
Searah Deysach is a sex educator and the owner of Early to Bed and FtM Essentials. In addition to running her retail store and websites, she lectures to community groups and colleges around the country on topics relating to masturbation, sex toys and positive sexuality. She is committed to working to create a culture where everyone has access to honest information about sexuality and all folks have access to the services they need to protect their reproductive rights.
Searah is a proud member of Chicago’s LGBTQ+ community and has been featured in numerous outlets including New York Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Washington Post, Shape, Women’s Health, Playgirl, Glamour and many, many more.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.early2bed.com/
Instagram: @early2bed
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/215-the-wonderful-world-of-sex-toys-searah-deysachMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 08 Feb 2022 - 30min - 594 - 214: Self-Leadership and Erotic Rope Play – Edward Willey
Edward Willey talks about his seemingly two separate interests and pursuits – rope play and self-leadership – and his ingenious idea of combining them together to develop and practice. How do rope play and self-leadership intersect?
How it started
Prompted by his partner’s brilliant idea, Edward Willey started to introduce some movements and meditation practices he used in self-leadership training into his rope play sessions. He quickly realized that people started to learn rope tying techniques but, more importantly, the connection between partners greatly increased. Since then, each session became more about how to stay deeply connected to the partner and less about the technical side of learning how to do each fancy knot.
“The knot that binds together”
In rope plays, there are two Japanese terms often used: “Shibari,” which means to tie; and “Kinbaku,” which means “to bind tightly.” But more importantly, the word “Misubi,” which means “the knot that binds together” or the thread that ties all of creations together. The true focus of rope play is on the connection that happens between you and your partner, allowing true intimacy and connection to develop. Before getting caught up with the techniques of rope tying, create a foundation of relaxation and confidence with your partner. Make the experience between you and the partner as opposed to you and the rope.
How does exploring rope play and leadership make you a better leader and lover?
Being able to stay present and relaxed and confident can make your partner feel a lot safer in the bedroom, and it can develop intimacy and more trust between the two of you. If they feel safer, more respected, and more heard, they are more likely to follow the guidance you’re bringing. The same thing applies to leadership. If you can approach your leadership with a relaxed body that’s strong, vibrant, and healthy, with an open heart that’s full of love and connection, people will naturally follow you. The rope is just a tool to develop deep connection and intimacy in order to create a container of safety for your partner.
Is self-leadership different when you’re the one being bound?
The person trying has more responsibility to take care of the safety of the other, but the person being tied up also has responsibility to be able to speak up if something doesn’t feel right or have questions or concerns. It’s a co-creation and it’s important to speak up. To be able to relax your body is also very important because being tied up can bring up fear and vulnerability. Keeping the mind calm for when it starts to spin up and feel panicky is the same training you give in self-leadership.
Resources and links:
Websites: https://www.knot-love.com/
https://www.willeyleadership.com/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/214-self-leadership-and-erotic-rope-play-edward-willeyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 31 Jan 2022 - 33min - 593 - 213: Shameless Parenting – Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers
Many parents find normal sex behavior and development confusing. Parents often wonder if their child’s sexual behavior is normal. Certified sex therapist Dr. Tina Sellers talks about parenting and sexual health and give parents a better understanding of “what to expect and when” in terms of their child’s sexual development.
Resources for Shameless parenting
In her newest book, Dr. Tina’s goal is to help parents or caregivers foster healthy sexual choices and attitudes in their children. She believes comprehensive sex education is the best way to protect children when they get involved with sex later, to make safe sexual choices, to lower teen pregnancy rate, to lower STI rates, etc. The book was made to be a handout that doctors, teachers, parents, therapists, and other educators could easily use and refer to when dealing with sexual developments in young children.
Moreover, since shame is one of the things that could get in the way for parents to become the best sex educator that they wanted to be, Dr. Tina also emphasizes ways to soothe the self and heal from that, along with streamlined resources and websites that could effectively help overcome that shame.
Sexual Development in children
It is critical for parents and caregivers to get a greater understanding around sexual development and behaviors in children. Dr. Tina’s book was developed in hopes of creating a better understanding of these developments. It can be difficult to recognize that, like adults, children are sexual beings. Children will be curious about sex, sexuality, and the human body. The book can serve as cheat sheets for parents to get some general information on common and uncommon behaviors based on age groups. Parents can also find suggestions for conversations that parents can have with their children to help encourage healthy sexual development.
Normalizing sexual behaviors
Healing comes from knowing that there are sexual behaviors that are normal in children and that shame was never an appropriate feeling. Kids will do what kids will do from harmless curiosity. The evolving sexuality that we have is always beautiful and creative, and the fact that the society that we live in has just never gotten it right is tragic. Wrong notions and misinformation can crush a child’s developing sexuality and can get traumatized with profound effects.
Managing reactivity for parents
It is important to ask your kids questions and listen very carefully to what they have to say about what’s going on in their world. It can be scary for parents to get sort of a bird’s eye view of what the world is like for their kids but not knowing will not be helpful either. Parents need to learn to manage reactivity within themselves.
Joining a parents’ group where you can start talking to each other about what it is like for you or just having a place to talk through your own reactivity and your own fear can be helpful. Know that your kids need your calm presence and just knowing that you got their back no matter what. Parents need to be conscious of their reactions because kids could easily pick it up as shaming or judging.
Biography:
Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD has had a distinguished career as a marriage and family therapist, medical family therapist, and certified sex therapist. She is also a professor, researcher, author, and speaker. She has won numerous awards and been featured on radio, TV, and podcasts. As the founder and Medical Director of the Northwest Institute on Intimacy, and the community group ThankGodForSex.org she speaks to audiences across the country about the difference sexual health and sexual health training can make for the individual and professional.
Her award-winning book, Sex, God, and the Conservative Church – Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy reveals the devastation caused by sexual shame in the wake of the purity and abstinence-only movements and reveals the path to healing for both clinician and client. When not speaking and writing, you will find Tina delighting in her year-old granddaughter!
Resources and links:
www.tinaschermersellers.com
www.instituteonintimacy.com
www.4-DNetwork.com
www.ThankGodForSex.org
www.SheIsCalled.com
Instagram: @drtinashameless
Affiliate links to books:
Sex, God, and the Conservative Church – Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy – https://amzn.to/2H2vTVV
From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children – From Infancy to Middle School – https://amzn.to/2Ew4oCi
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/213-shameless-parenting-dr-tina-schermer-sellersMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 24 Jan 2022 - 31min - 592 - 212: Performance Anxiety – David Khalili
Feeling anxious before sex is normal. But how about feeling nervous that you cannot have or enjoy sex for fear that you will be unable to “perform” during sexual activities? Sex therapist David Khalili talks about sexual performance anxiety, predominantly among men, and what can be done to overcome that fear or condition.
“Men don’t ask for help”
David shares from personal experience how men would come in looking for certain toys, prostate massagers, cock rings, lubricants, and the like – shrouded by shame and anxiety. Mostly men are affected by sexual performance anxiety because of society’s expectations of what they should be doing during sex. Because of the men-don’t-ask-for-help narrative, they are afraid to come into sex shops to look for things that could amplify pleasure or to seek intervention from professional sex therapists and admit that they are having trouble in sex.
There’s a whole body to explore, not just the penis
The pressure that men are under usually focuses on the “performance” of their penis – to get hard fast, stay hard for a long time, etc. As David puts it, penises are wonderful, and they’ve got lots of purpose and pleasure. But you are whole as a human and there’s also the rest of your body to play with and that could give you pleasure. The body is a whole map, and we need to learn how to explore that map. There might be lots of nerve endings in the genitalia, but there are lots of nerve endings all over the body. So, relieving that penis-centric pressure on men really opens their repertoire and their definition of intimacy, connection, and pleasure.
How to cope with performance anxiety
The first step to coping with performance anxiety is recognizing and normalizing that the penis, just like any other body part, cannot always perform as expected. Also important is removing any shame you might be feeling about not having an optimal sex life. David also underlines the fact that men who do not hit one or all the criteria/markers associated with “expected sex performance” should not feel like it’s their failure as a man. Men should build that self-compassion and accept that it’s not going to be perfect all the time and that good is enough.
Be creative in getting sexual
The truth is you can be sexual without needing an erection. David explains the circular model of sex versus the linear model that most people know about. With or without penetration, learn how to spice up that sex life and how to potentially help in relieving performance anxiety.
Get help and communicate your anxiety
Sexual performance anxiety is a valid concern but should not be a reason to avoid having sex altogether. Figure out a way to communicate it to a partner or potential partner in a way that it’s normal and that it’s okay to go slow to soften expectations. If you feel safe enough with the other person, it is important to talk about the anxiety and explore it together. It is a normal ebb and flow of human function and getting sex therapy intervention is perfectly normal. Learn more about different treatments or interventions you can use to help with performance anxiety.
Biography:
David F Khalili, LMFT is a sex and relationship therapist licensed in California. He works with individuals, relationships and runs groups for men who experience anxiety around sex and dating. His principal areas of focus are sex and anxiety, kink and open relationships, multiheritage couples, and first-generation American-born individuals. David recently released a workbook called “Sex Worriers: A Mindfully Queer Guide to Men’s Anxiety Around Sex and Dating.”
Links:
https://linktr.ee/worriertherapy
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/212-performance-anxiety-david-khaliliMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 17 Jan 2022 - 25min - 591 - 211: Juicing up Your Sex Life – Alicia Davon
Alicia Davon
Juicing Up Your Sex Life
A fun topic today. This one’s about juicing up your relationship, enlivening it again. Or if you’re single, preparing for when you are in a relationship. My guest is Alicia Davon. She and her husband have an organization that does training with people around increasing presence, awareness, communication, pleasure, and energy in people’s sex lives.
We talk about what that looks like, how people practice it, and what its first step might be. I think a lot of it really revolves around getting out of autopilot, which we can do when we’re with the same person. We’re busy with stuff and we can just sort of not pay attention and go through the motions. Or we could get really present and have a sense of newness. Even with a partner that we’ve been with for decades.
What does “Juice” look like over time?
Generally, Alicia feels that the chemistry and the passion decreases in a relationship by default, and everybody knows that, but not everybody knows what to do about it. Or even knows that something can be done about it outside of just becoming complacent, maybe complaining about it, or splitting up or having affairs.
She thinks that there’s a very natural wanting to have things be fun and turned on with our partners over time. But then the longer it goes without that – when certain forces come in, like longevity, or kids and growing up and more responsibilities – it can get harder and harder to reconnect.
How to go about juicing it back up.
Alicia believes there’s a newness that can be brought into the relationship. When the novelty wears off, it’s just not as exciting. But there’s a lot of inherent chemistry in everybody’s bodies. She has never in her 20 years of working with singles and couples found that somebody’s body was the source of no passion or no chemistry.
She says it’s often a mindset thing. We get distracted with technology at our fingertips. Or distracted by work and solving problems and managing day-to-day stuff. And also, there are certain skills that are necessary that sort of come easily, or maybe even naturally when we’re first in a relationship.
So, the path, first of all, is presence into the relationship again. Sometimes we find we’ve been on autopilot for months and years and maybe decades. Bringing that presence could look like just simply like bringing awareness to the fact that we the couple would like more excitement in the relationship.
Communication is key
Alicia and her husband Erwan have daily practices that they teach their students. One of them is meditation, which is a great pathway to being in the present and noticing what’s going on. Then there’s what they call psychological inquiry, which is a way of connecting with your partner, sharing what’s going on with you and going on in your heart and going on in your mind.
A full spectrum
Alicia and Erwan have touching practices that range from close non-sexual touching physical connection all the way down the spectrum to sexual touching and technique.
She mentions the touching skills are important with couples that want to get back connected. Erwan and Alicia have a set of 12 touching practices that introduce skills like going really slowly, and certain communication skills.
There’s much more to this fascinating conversation, including how this concept could be utilized by singles as well. Alicia recommends carving out some time to practice and implement “juicing” into your sex life, it’s well worth it!
About Alicia Davon
Over the past 25 years, Erwan and Alicia Davon have successfully taught over 12,000 singles and couples how to have exceptional relationships. Erwan and Alicia have become the go-to experts for those seeking a higher level of relationship support. Erwan is the founder, senior teacher and president of San Francisco based Erwan Davon Teachings. Together with Alicia, they specialize in supporting singles in getting into passionate and successful relationships, and helping couples take their relationships to new heights of romance and intimacy. Being based in the Bay Area, Erwan and Alicia provide a high-end boutique service that gives their clients an effective way to enhance their relationships. They also offer all their coaching and classes online and support students all over the world.
Resources and links:
Free Love Life Consultation:
Text 415 308 9580
Web – https://erwandavon.com/consult/
Website: http://www.pleasurecourse.com
More info:
The Desire Spa – https://thedesirespa.com
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/211-juicing-up-your-sex-life-alicia-davonMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 10 Jan 2022 - 26min - 590 - 210: Colonization and its Impact on Modern Sexuality – Anne Mauro
Colonization and Its Impact on Modern Sexuality
We tend to think of colonization as something that happened and is over and is done, without realizing that it set up processes and expectations, beliefs, and systems of thought that we are still living with in this current day. This has created historical trauma that remains today.
There is a legacy of shame and of limitations that came with settlers in North America. Anne Mauro has been studying this, and we talk about this whole concept of the sexuality that the settlers brought in and what this has come to mean for all of us. We discuss the ways in which it could be manifesting and limiting us, and how it is certainly impacting how people of color, women of color are treated still in this culture.
What is settler sexuality?
We know that when the settlers arrived in North America, some were coming for a better life and to avoid persecution for their own religious beliefs. And when they arrived, they had their own ideas of what sexuality was, and a lot of that was a belief that it was solely for procreation.
But with indigenous people, they saw two spirit people, or a matrilineal model, instead of a patriarchal model. They saw homosexuality, and they saw indigenous people engaging in sexual play outside of marriage. They were completely appalled by this. Their idea of sexuality was no sex before marriage, you are property of your father until you’re married, and then you are property of your husband.
“We don’t want you masturbating, or talking about menstruation, that is bad. You’re not supposed to be nude. You’re not supposed to have inordinate affection, or too much desire or affection.”
Also, women are supposed to dress a certain way. They’re supposed to be homemakers and don’t work outside of the house. You’re supposed to stay a virgin, not just for the religious reasons, but there was economic value in virginity if you were seen as pure.
The shame came across with the settlers
If you didn’t fall within the settler sexuality model, you could be publicly shamed, whipped, or tortured. People were burned for masturbation and for homosexuality. They were shamed for anything that was falling outside of this model. If you got caught, you could get in trouble. When the settlers came, they brought with them their own historical sexual trauma.
Still impacting today
Anne believes that with the sexual script that’s inherited in American sexuality, there is a maltreatment especially of women of color, but of people of color in general. This legacy of the settler sexuality construct has dramatic impacts today, leaving people feeling like there is something wrong with themselves if they don’t fit into it, and very few people do.
Biography:
Anne Mauro is a Licensed Couples and Family therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator. She has earned her M.A from Antioch University Seattle (AUS) and a Doctorate of Human Sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her private practice, Mending Connections, in Tacoma, Washington, specializes in couples counseling and sex therapy. Anne serves as adjunct faculty at AUS, where she created and taught a course titled Colonization and Sex for the Sexuality Certificate Program.
Additionally, Anne works in the Couples and Family Therapy program providing clinical supervision to graduate student interns. In partnership with a colleague, Anne is an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) continuing education (CEU) provider. Through this venture, Anne co-created the Beyond Settler Sex Sexually Attitude Reassessment (SAR).
Her first Routledge publication, More Than Ebony and Ivory: Complexities of sex therapy with interracial couples, can be found in An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy: Centering the lives of indigenous, racialized, and people of color. Anne is working on her second publication, The Colonization of Black Sexuality: A clinician’s guide to relearning and healing.
Anne has served on the AASECT Awards Committee since 2018 and the AASECT Ethics Committee since 2021. Anne is an active WOCSHN member and one of the original members included on the WOCSHN Membership Directory, the first of its kind directory featuring Black, Indigenous, women of color in the sexuality field. In service of the profession, Anne is a member of AASECT Awards Committee and AASECT Ethics Committee.
Resources and links:
Anti-Racist Psychotherapy: https://amzn.to/2YjFKRW
Healing the Soul Wound: https://amzn.to/3A7Va8V
My Grandmother’s Hands: https://amzn.to/2ZNcVxO
Website: https://www.mendingmyconnections.com/
Instagram: @annemauro.cst.cse
More info:
The Desire Spa – https://thedesirespa.com
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/210-colonization-and-its-impact-on-modern-sexuality-anne-mauroMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 03 Jan 2022 - 29min - 589 - 209: Right Outside Your Comfort Zone – Court Vox
Court Vox
Somatic sex educator and sex coach Court Vox helps his clients to find the ‘sweet spot’ in their sex lives, and life in general. The sweet spot is a place that can be uncomfortable, but also exciting. This episode is all about pushing yourself to the limit, and calibrating the body in order to allow itself to reach the next level of experience.
What is calibration?
Calibration is developing an awareness of touch from the lowest point of sensation all the way to your threshold. It’s finding that sweet spot, also called a yellow place, that can get you to the next level of pleasure. In life, it’s always about going a little bit further than you otherwise would as our lives change.
Is there value from being slightly outside of your comfort zone?
Court elaborates how one can benefit from being in a yellow place, whether in sensation or actual pursuit of something that’s not in the body. Being in a place that’s a bit uncomfortable offers a lot of growth for people. If one is calibrating with a partner, then communication is key, because at the end of the day it’s a very personal approach and all of us will have our own unique yellow spot.
Is calibration better with a partner or solo?
One can do both. Doing it with a partner can be valuable not just from a sensation perspective but from a communication perspective too.
Beyond the Circuit Workshop
Court Vox will hold a 3-day workshop in March 2022 with the intention to create new and alternative spaces for queer men. It is about finding a deeper sense of community not centered around drugs and alcohol and dark spaces. Aptly called Beyond the Circuit, it is a space where queer men can be vulnerable and be in a more intimate space.
Biography:
Court Vox provides personal guidance and expertise in the unique and often ignored areas of sex. Vox is a trained Sex and Intimacy Consultant, Surrogate Partner Intern and Sacred Intimate. His approach is personal and necessary. As the founder of his own practice, The Body Vox, he brings professional opportunities to his clients and teaches them to embrace their bodies, as well as the bodies of others. Vox is a sex educator who is experienced in working with clients of all sexualities and genders. He continues to collaborate with fellow sex educator Pamela Madsen for workshops around the country.
Resources and links:
Website: thebodyvox.com
Instagram: @courtvox
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/209-right-outside-your-comfort-zone-court-voxMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 27 Dec 2021 - 34min - 588 - 208: Endometriosis – Dr. Allyson Shrikhande
Dr. Allyson Shrikhande, a rehabilitation doctor who specializes in pelvic rehabilitation medicine, gives us an in-depth discussion about endometriosis. What is endometriosis, the disorder affecting one out of ten women? How does it show up and what are the treatment options?
What is endometriosis?
Endometriosis is a disorder wherein cells that are similar to the cells lining the inside of the uterus (endometrium) grow outside of the uterus. These cells can settle basically anywhere in the body but most commonly in the pelvic cavity and can cause pain and infertility.
How common is endometriosis?
Depending on the study, one out of ten, or one out of nine women can have endometriosis. It is as common as breast cancer with a strong genetic predisposition.
What are the symptoms of endometriosis?
The challenge is that it is a silent disease, making it hard to diagnose. The way it presents itself is as a person being infertile and/or having pelvic pain. Pain during intercourse, tampon use and the like as well as GI problems (constipation, abdominal bloating, abdominal pain), and a UTI that will not go away are very common symptoms.
Treatment options for endometriosis
The major challenge in the medical community is that there is no proper diagnostic other than surgery right now. The gold standard for a proper diagnosis is laparoscopic surgery, then some pathology. Because of the complexity and systemic nature of endometriosis, Dr. Shrikhande also takes on a holistic approach to treatment, discussing additional things like nutrition and even medication with patients.
Endometriosis awareness
Dr. Shrikhande underlines the need for more research and studies to help in diagnosing endometriosis in its early stages. Unfortunately, it is a very complex disease with strong genetic disposition making it even harder to prevent. Awareness is key as there is still nothing conclusive as to what is causing endo. It’s important that women are diagnosed in an efficient manner and have access to skilled medical and rehab providers who can help them with proficient treatment.
Biography:
Dr. Allyson Shrikhande, a board-certified Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specialist, is the Chief Medical Officer of Pelvic Rehabilitation Medicine. She is also the Chair of the Medical Education Committee for the International Pelvic Pain Society. She is working with other experts in the field of chronic pelvic pain to develop training modules for residents and physicians interested in learning about the diagnosis, treatment, and management of chronic pelvic pain. A leading expert on pelvic health and a respected researcher, author and lecturer, Dr. Shrikhande is a recognized authority on male and female pelvic pain diagnosis and treatment.
Resources and links:
Website: pelvicrehabilitation.com
Instagram: @pelvicrehabilitation, @doctor.allyson
Twitter: @PelvicRehab
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Get daily conversation starters texted to your phone: Text “topics” to https://my.community.com/jessaatintimacywithease
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/208-endometriosis-dr-allyson-shrikhandeMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 21 Dec 2021 - 27min - 587 - 207: Hookup Without Heartbreak – Lia Holmgren
Hookup without Heartbreak
Intimacy and relationship coach Lia Holmgren’s new book, Hookup Without Heartbreak, teaches women to let go of negative feelings after casual hook ups/sex, as well as how to reclaim one’s sexual freedom. Learn the do’s and don’ts of casual sex, the history and science behind hooking up, and learn all you need to know before going on that next date.
Casual sex: How do people deal with it?
The main focus of this book is double standards – how casual sex can be widely accepted for men but seen as inappropriate for women. Hormones and neurobiology play a big part as to why women tend to feel more attached after having casual sex than men do. Lia also looks into the role of religion, education, and upbringing to explain why women feel a certain way and why women have so much shame and fear around casual sex.
The do’s and don’ts in casual sex
Lia’s book has 24 tips for women who have caught feelings and then had their hearts broken after casual hookups. These include ways to get over the person, how to deal with hookups who ghost afterwards, how to be safe on dates and how to not feel shame afterwards. The book also talks about how to appreciate the experience and how to have casual sex without any expectations.
How do you discern whether you have the right reasons to hookup?
It’s important for a person to know their intentions before engaging in a casual hookup. Is it a want for sex or a need for intimacy and closeness? Honesty and clear communication with one’s partner is key, as well as being honest with oneself.
Key takeaways
The book aims to teach women that it’s okay to have casual sex for sex, without the shame and guilt. It’s important for men to be more understanding and honest after casual sex. Honesty and clear communication is important for both sides.
Biography:
Lia Holmgren has been an intimacy and relationship coach for more than a decade, guiding her clients through modern challenges and exploring the many roles of power and fantasy. Known for her empathetic nature and direct style, Lia empowers her clients to feel safe in celebrating their authentic sexuality.
Lia holds an M.S. in Negotiation and Conflict Resolution from Columbia University and a B.S. in Biopsychology from Touro University. She is a certified wellness coach and life coach as well as a certified hypnotist. Lia has been featured by numerous media outlets, including NBC Universal, NY Post, Huffington Post, Men’s Health, Curtis and Cosy Show, and more.
Website: liaholmgren.com
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.thedesirespa.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar for women: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Get text reminders for every new episode – text “podcast” to https://my.community.com/jessaatintimacywithease
Get daily conversation starters to share with your partner – text “topics” to https://my.community.com/jessaatintimacywithease
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/207-hookup-without-heartbreak-lia-holmgrenMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 13 Dec 2021 - 28min - 586 - 206: Vaginal Rejuvenation with Dr. Kanwal Bawa
Dr. Kanwal Bawa talks about sexual health and wellness, particularly vaginal rejuvenation, to improve relationships and the sexual experience. Known as ‘Dr. Sex Fairy’ due to her patients’ incredible sexual wellness success stories, Dr. Bawa reveals to us what’s in her fairy dust.
How important is the female orgasm?
Unfortunately, many women assume that they cannot orgasm. Studies show that many women do not even know their own anatomy, and henceforth do not know how to pleasure themselves. Good orgasms can be indicative of better vaginal health, better mental health, a better relationship with one’s partner and more enjoyable sexual activities.
What do women need to know to achieve orgasm?
There is so much more to having an orgasm than just sex itself. Women need to ensure that they are monitoring their hormones and their vaginal health, as an imbalance or lack of these can make achieving orgasm very difficult. Dr. Bawa explains the different rejuvenation procedures and treatments that she offers to her clients that have helped to change their lives.
Prevention is better than a cure
Dr. Bawa advises people to rethink wellness. Vaginal health needs to be approached in a preventative way and not only brought up when a problem arises. Sexual health is a topic that is ignored by a lot of doctors. By filling this void, Dr. Bawa hopes to transform the lives of many people by improving their sexual health.
Biography:
Dr. Kanwal Bawa is a board-certified physician, founder of Bawa Medical, and a member of FemiWave’s Medical Advisory Board. Dr. Bawa is committed to her philosophy of “rejuvenation from the inside out,” an approach that combines state-of-the-art procedures and multi-faceted solutions with her exceptional knowledge and skill.
After battling a breast cancer diagnosis, Dr. Bawa went on to be crowned Ms. Florida U.S. Continental 2021. Dr. Bawa’s motivation in entering the competition was to inspire cancer patients to live their best lives, and to raise awareness for misdiagnosis. Dr. Bawa is an ambassador for the American Cancer Society’s ResearcHERS initiative to raise funds for women-led cancer research for all cancer.
At her rejuvenation medical practice Bawa Medical in Boca Raton, Florida, Dr. Bawa uses her expertise and procedures to help transform her patients – especially those affected by cancer. She specializes in intimate wellness, skin rejuvenation, hair restoration, IV therapy, and hormone replacement.
To learn more about Dr. Bawa’s background, philosophy, and other personal triumphs please follow this link – https://www.bawamedical.com/about/meet-dr-bawa/
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.bawamedical.com/about/meet-dr-bawa/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFsvTQJsdYdmAoz-vk-xiXw
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BawaMedicalBocaRaton/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bawamedical/
To learn more about FemiWave, visit: https://femiwave.com/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/206-vaginal-rejuvenation-with-dr-kanwal-bawaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 06 Dec 2021 - 30min - 585 - 205: Sex as a Widow – Krista St-Germain
Master Certified Life Coach, Krista St-Germain, gives advice on how to deal with grief after losing a life partner. In this episode, we will talk about sex after loss and how it fits into the grieving process. How do you discern your needs and wants after being widowed? How do you decide when you’d like to have sex or when you don’t? How do you make those kinds of decisions in a way that is empowering and not fall prey to the myths that exist?
Dealing with grief and healing.
Grief is the response to any perceived loss. Krista, who works mostly with widows, says that the main issue she sees is the problematic idea that there is a certain way to go through grief.
It is an experience unique to every person who goes through it.
We are not well informed when it comes to grief, so layering sex on top of the strict timeline of healing people subject themselves to makes things go from bad to worse.
The intersection of sex and grief
A typical myth concerning the loss of a spouse is that what the bereaved wants is not really sex, but just the physical connection to another human. In reality, only that individual can know what they want and need at any moment in time. Often, people will try to fill an emotional void with sex. If sex is something one wants, it’s because they want it, not because they’re incomplete without it.
8 myths about sex and grief
As people we will always have a response to grief, and over time we can change our response and adapt to life such that it becomes integrated and no longer an obstacle. Not only are there no stages or timeline, but there is also no end to grief. It just becomes part of our life experience.
Krista reveals the truth about the eight myths that she usually encounters about sex and grief that could help people figure out how to live their lives again and love sex again without feeling judged or guilty.
How do you talk to people so that they know whether they’re ready or not to have sex again?
This is an individual decision. One must decide to believe in themselves and trust that they know when they’re ready. This doesn’t negate feelings of nervousness or worry, but just shows that one is open to the idea. Krista’s vision is to get people to a place where they know they can be kind to themselves on the other side of whatever decision they’ve made, because that’s the most empowering place to be.
Biography:
Krista St-Germain is a Master Certified Life Coach, grief expert, widow, mom and host of The Widowed Mom Podcast. When her husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2016, Krista’s life was completely and unexpectedly flipped upside down. After therapy helped her unfurl from the fetal position, Krista discovered Life Coaching, Post Traumatic Growth and learned the tools she needed to move forward and create a future she could get excited about. Now she coaches and teaches other widows so they can love life again, too.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.coachingwithkrista.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachingwithkrista/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lifecoachkrista/
More info:
How Healthy is Your Sex Life – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/205-sex-as-a-widow-krista-st-germainMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 29 Nov 2021 - 36min - 584 - 204: Healing Your Sex Life Through the Unconscious Mind – Dr. Tonia Winchester
Healing Your Sex Life Through the Unconscious Mind
Dr. Tonia Winchester has been a naturopathic doctor for 15 years. This episode will explore brain-based coaching, and how people can really achieve breakthroughs and get out of patterns that haven’t been working for them. Dr Winchester talks about accessing the unconscious mind in order to achieve a healthy sex lifestyle.
The power of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)
Through practice, Dr Tonia Winchester found that the best way to help is by tapping into the unconscious mind of her patients. NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is a tool that allows us to bypass our conscious mind and access the place in our minds where change happens.
What is the unconscious mind and what does it do for us?
The unconscious mind is responsible for our emotions, triggers, responses and reactions. Dr. Winchester believes that if one wants effective change to happen, they need to dig into the unconscious mind to do so.
How does the unconscious mind relate to a healthy sex life?
The unconscious mind controls factors that are essential for a healthy sex life, ie. safety, trust, risk-taking and vulnerability. Our desires, or lack thereof, are based on our past experiences in life. The unconscious mind is always looking to keep us safe, so avoiding sex or doing it because we have to, is fulfilling a purpose.
How does a breakthrough process work and what should people expect from it?
When working with the unconscious mind, one has to deal with negative experiences from their past. With a process called timeline therapy, the charge is gently taken out of these negative emotions and swapped with positive learnings, allowing the patient to have the appropriate and warranted emotions. Reconnecting to positive things can prime people to experience pleasure in their lives and help them draw out things that they are wanting.
Who needs this?
Anyone who has been stuck in the same pattern for years, and knows that they should be taking care of themselves, but aren’t, would be a good candidate for this treatment. Going through unconscious reprogramming is recognizing that one wants more in their life, but that what they’re doing is not and hasn’t been working for a long time.
Biography:
Dr Tonia Winchester has been in practice as a Naturopathic Doctor since 2007. Now, as a brain-based transformation coach, she uses contemporary neurological reprogramming techniques to help women break through burnout, stress, anxiety, and fatigue and find joy and energy again so that they can create exceptional lives for themselves, their families and communities. She guides her clients through a “Breakthrough” process where they easily and gently clear the past and recode their unconscious minds so that they are primed to make and sustain positive changes in how they take care of themselves. The results are a strengthened connection to self – more self-love, worth, and value, ultimately allowing them to build happy, meaningful relationships and compelling futures. Tonia has been featured on CTV, the Costco Connection, The Elephant Journal, Conscious Nutrition, The Autoimmune Simplified Podcast, and the New Generation Entrepreneur Podcast. To learn more about her brain-based coaching breakthroughs, head over to https://www.toniawinchester.com/breakthrough/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/204-healing-your-sex-life-through-the-unconscious-mind-dr-tonia-wincesterMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 23 Nov 2021 - 30min - 583 - 203: Why Selfish is Good for Sex – Dr. Laura Dabney
In this episode, Dr Laura Dabney explains the importance of selfishness in a relationship. Despite its negative connotation, being selfish can actually make you a better person and partner. Learn why being in tuned to what you want and how you feel is critical and how you can create a balance of giving and selfishness in a relationship.
What does selfishness mean in a relationship?
Simply put, being selfish is taking care of yourself first before others like your partner. Being selfish has always been frowned upon because of its bad connotation but it just means you take responsibility for getting your personal, emotional, and physical needs met, and that’s an important part of becoming an adult. You can’t build a deep, meaningful, and authentic connection when you have little or no concern for yourself in the first place.
What are the consequences of selfless giving and not putting yourself first?
When you put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, there’s resentment that’s taken but not talked about because of the assumption that your needs weren’t as important. Constantly meeting others’ needs could also lead you to believe that it’s the way of keeping the relationship alive. You’re giving in to the point where it’s hurting you and so the other person could start pulling away emotionally, sexually, physically.
The best person to know you is you
One reason why people tend to not say or advocate for their wants is this fairy tale idea that we expect that the other person should know what we want and we don’t need to tell them that. In reality, this happens because the person is not in touch with themselves, particularly sexually, so they hope the other person will take over.
Being selfish in a healthy way
Taking care of ourselves is our job as an adult – that’s the definition of being an adult. It is not a negative quality. Take time to reflect, carve out some alone time, name a feeling and practice feeling it. If you have a well-developed sense of who you are and the ability to communicate it to others or your partner, you’ll be a happier person.
The balance of being selfish and giving
In a relationship, you have to set boundaries to know where you end and the other person begins. Know what you need and present it to your partner. Hear what the other person has to say and then figure out a unique formula on how you can make things work for both of you. The best relationship happens when two adults show up and enjoy each other.
Biography:
Dr. Laura Dabney has been a psychiatrist in Virginia Beach, VA for twenty-plus years. She has treated patients in more than a dozen cities across Virginia, including more recently Richmond, VA. Her psychiatric expertise has been featured on radio, podcasts, websites, and in print media. She consults for a number of large institutions, including the Virginia Veterans Administration Medical Center. She received her MD from Eastern Virginia Medical School and has been Board Certified in Psychiatry.
Resources and links:
Website: https://relationship-rx.com/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/203-why-selfish-is-good-for-sex-dr-laura-dabneyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 15 Nov 2021 - 30min - 582 - 202: Dates & Mates – Damona Hoffman
In this episode, we take a closer look at the exciting world of dating – from using different dating apps to tackling difficult conversations and navigating the dating scene amid a pandemic. Life and dating coach Damona Hoffman shares tips on how to progress relationships and how to deepen them by cultivating curiosity.
For people looking for a relationship, what do they need to know in order to be successful in dating?
Damona said that dating is a pretty and repeatable process. If you are already getting frustrated with dating, learn about these five areas to know what you could have been doing wrong.
How do you handle sexual concerns as well as various loaded topics during dating?
Sex is a part of any relationship, but COVID changed the dating scenario such that there are added health concerns that needed to be addressed first before you even begin to see each other in person. For example, instead of talking about STI testing and the like, you now talk about getting tested for COVID and quarantining. But COVID aside, having a difficult conversation such as sex, politics, or race in the early phases of dating ultimately boils down to listening and understanding. There should be a time when we set aside our beliefs and focus on what really matters like communication, conflict resolution, values, and goals.
Interracial dating and racial bias in dating
Damona talks about the hot topic of race and how it comes into play in dating. Does excluding a particular race from your dating preferences just simply a matter of preference or racial bias? Learn how to ask the five “why’s” to unpack biases and beliefs and how to turn your differences from your partner into a very rich and positive aspect of the relationship.
How important is sexual compatibility during dating? Can this still change over time?
People toss away a perfectly good relationship because in the early phase, the sex isn’t as fulfilling as prior relationships that they compare it to. But Damona believes that sex, along with whatever is in our checklist of what we’re looking for in a partner, should be disregarded in the early phases. During this stage, curiosity should fuel the relationship and not the chemistry or any other arbitrary reason.
Biography:
Damona is the Dating Expert of The Drew Barrymore Show and NPR, a dating coach & TV personality who starred in the A+E Networks’ (FYI TV) series #BlackLove and A Question of Love. She’s a contributor for CNN Headline News (HLN), BET.com, The Washington Post, LA Times, Match dating app and more. Her advice has been featured in hundreds of publications, podcasts, and TV shows and she was the subject of an Oprah O Magazine cover story in 2019. She hosts The Dates & Mates Show as well as the I Make A Living podcast.
Resources and links:
Website: https://damonahoffman.com/
Instagram: @damonahoffman
Twitter: @DamonaHoffman
Podcast: Dates and Mates and Make a Living – https://damonahoffman.com/dates-and-mates-podcast/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/202-dates-mates-damona-hoffmanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 08 Nov 2021 - 34min - 581 - 201: Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Kristine D’Angelo
Certified sex coach Kristine D’Angelo talks about pleasure and feeling empowered when it comes to sex, especially for vagina owners. Conversationally, she tackles the most common barriers for vagina owners in achieving sexual pleasure and the kinds of expectations that they’re up against based on societal standards. The differences and similarities between sex coaches and sex therapist are also discussed so people can make the best choice when seeking help.
What’s the difference between sex coaching and sex therapy?
Sex coaching is very much about behavioral changes and practicing those changes in order to feel confident and more connected to your body in order to achieve pleasure. Sex therapy is forming a strong relationship first, and where sex coaching can be built off of.
Why specialize in coaching women?
Kristine wants to watch women step back into their sexuality and become confident and comfortable and advocate for their pleasure. She has been in a position where she has lost her power during a sexual encounter, and she knows how helpless that can make a person feel.
What are the different pressures that make it even more difficult for vagina owners to achieve sexual fulfillment?
One of the biggest obstacles is constant comparison – from comparing themselves to other vagina owners, to comparing their body to the idol standards of what society thinks is beautiful. This behavior tends to work inwards rather than outwards, where women start to think that there is something wrong with them and that they are below societal standards. Also, women are not explicitly given permission to explore their sexuality in our society as opposed to men.
What would people expect working with you or somebody like you?
Through holistic coaching, different questions are asked, like, “Where do you want your sex life to be six months from now without worrying what could get in the way or what could go wrong?” By describing your ideal sex life, a sex coach would then ask you to do home assignments based on a customized action plan.
Biography:
Kristine D’Angelo is a Certified Sex Coach who works with women and couples, coaching her clients towards sexual fulfillment. Kristine has worked hard creating a safe and comfortable space for her clients to explore and embrace their sexuality. She’s always exposing herself to learning in depth about human sexuality, relationships, being an ally to the LGBTQ community and volunteering for organizations that promote a sex-positive society.
Kristine holds a degree in Sociology and Community Health and certification through Sex Coach U. She has always been drawn to human interactions and has focused on human sexuality as her main passion in life and path in education. The hard work her clients experience encourages her to change the world through sexually enlightening and empowering people through her sex coaching.
“Watching my clients become sexually empowered is the highlight of my life’s work, I want the world to experience this level of self-awareness.”
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.doyoursexlifeafavor.com/
YouTube: Kristine D’Angelo, Certified Sex Coach
Podcast: So I Married a Sexologist
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/More info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 01 Nov 2021 - 32min - 580 - 200: Sex and Veterans – Asya Brodsky
In this episode, Asya Brodsky gives insight into sexual issues and concerns with veterans. From injuries, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or military sexual trauma (MST), Brodsky explains how these experiences can create all kinds of ramifications in the life of a veteran and how these can affect sexual function and intimacy with a partner.
What are the kinds of concerns that are prevalent among veterans?
PTSD is still the most common issue among veterans, as well as PTSD due to MST. According to Brodsky, veterans in combat who come back physically whole carry great psychological and emotional repercussions. However, the recovery and rehabilitation process for them are focused on basic means and sexuality is often neglected.
What are some of the steps around PTSD and MST? Is this something that the military is taking on?
There are multiple campaigns for MST for veterans. These campaigns let them know that there is support out there and that actions are being taken to address their mental health and really look into this seriously.
What kinds of things get in the way of veterans seeking help in sexual issues?
Brodsky said it’s still primarily military culture where soldiers are taught to be tough and disconnected from their emotions to survive. The contradiction is, what helps them in the service, hurts them in civilian life. It’s a big deterrent for vets seeking out services also because of the stigma about seeking help for mental issues.
What are these people facing coming back from war wounded?
If you were injured in combat, likely you have a combination of physical and psychological injury affecting someone’s identity and self-concept. Physical injuries have an effect on sexuality and sexual expression. Brodsky is positive, however, that in no time, authorities will recognize sexual issues to be part of the rehabilitation process.
What should spouses do?
Brodsky gives suggestions on what veteran couples can do, such as therapy. She also underlines the importance of being patient and recognizing that sexuality can change overtime. Military partners should also make themselves aware of PTSD and follow the lead of their partner on whether they feel comfortable talking about their experience.
In the end, Brodsky advises veterans to seek help as soon as possible.
Biography:
Asya Brodsky, LCSW, CADC, CST is a licensed clinical social worker, certified alcohol and drug counselor and certified sex therapist through AASECT. She holds positions as the Women Veterans Program Manager at the Jesse Brown VA Medical Center and maintains her own private sex therapy practice, Speak Chicago Psychotherapy LLC. Asya is a relational psychodynamically-informed psychotherapist, specializing in the areas of sexual functioning and expression and their impact on individual and relational identities and lives. Asya is affiliated with psychoanalytic communities in Chicago and is the co-founder and co-leader of the Chicago Sex Therapist Network.
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/200-sex-and-veterans-asya-brodskyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 25 Oct 2021 - 34min - 579 - 199: Cross Dressing – Dr. Carol Clark
In this fascinating episode, board certified sex therapist and addictions counselor Dr. Carol Clark helps us demystify the concept of cross dressing and take away the stigma and shame commonly associated with it. If you or someone you know is a cross dresser, the insights from this episode will surely help in getting accurate information out there and prepare people to receive somebody who might reveal that they’re crossdresser and validate that.
Is there an intersection of cross dressing and gender and how do we define it?
In general, cross dressing is defined as wearing the clothes that are normally associated with the other sex or gender. It has gender implications as far as how we present it such as when a person identifies with one gender but presents as another and, in so doing, feeling like another gender. All of that is separate from sexual orientation, which is who you are attracted to.
Is cross dressing the beginning of somebody identifying as transgender?
It may or may not be. Dr. Clark emphasizes that cross dressing is a form of expression for various reasons. It is important to distinguish different reasons, particularly in therapy, to know what brought the person to therapy. We have to ask the cross dressers what’s the allure of that, what’s their motivation, etc.
How much are cross dresser suspected of being gay?
Generally, cross dressers are heterosexual men wearing women clothing for various reasons. It is always important to ask and not jump to any conclusions. We have to fix society to have a better understanding of cross dressing so a person can just dress up however way they want without the judgment.
What should a partner do?
It is important to reassure partners of cross dressers that it is not about them, and it is not their fault. Partners should have a deeper communication and try to get to know each other again. Just like in any marriage or partnership, it will come down to some compromises and making some adjustments in the relationship to make it work.
When should a cross dresser tell their partner and/or their children?
There are no “shoulds” but ideally you want your partner to know before starting the relationship. As in any case, revealing a big secret can be very traumatic to the other person and can be felt as betrayal. Keeping it a secret will not make it stop or go away.
Understanding cross dressing
These days where there are so many different ways of identifying your gender, cross dressers aren’t calling themselves as such and try to avoid calling themselves anything. For them, it is a way of life. For therapists, and for our friends and family, it all boils down to asking questions like, “Why are you showing up in my office? What’s your issue? How is cross dressing a problem for you? What is the meaning of this for you”
Biography:
Dr. Carol Clark is a board certified in sex therapy and addictions and is the president, founder, and senior instructor for the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and the Therapist Certification Association.
From prisoners to celebrities, businessmen to artists, Dr. Clark’s work has helped individuals from a multitude of backgrounds to find a better life. She employs a variety of interventions to effectively assist those seeking personal growth and an improved sense of well-being in their lives. By using the concepts in her book, Addict America: The Lost Connection and My Pocket Therapist: 12 Tools for Living in Connection, she facilitates the healing that allows full intimacy and Connection.
In conjunction with her educational and professional development, her spiritual journey has evolved to an emotional and intellectual awareness of addiction as a condition that permeates all aspects of people’s lives.
Find her on Facebook & Instagram @DrCarolClark.
You can also check out The International Institute of Clinical Sexology on Facebook @sextherapyphd and on Instagram @iics.phd.
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/199-cross-dressing-dr-carol-clarkMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 18 Oct 2021 - 37min - 578 - 198 – Racism and Sexual Health – Kristian Holmes
In this episode we talk to Kristian Holmes, a therapist who is a person of color. We dive deep into racism and emotional and mental health, especially for people of color and/or disadvantaged people in general. We’ll discuss what these groups of people are up against in terms of seeking care, the kind of experiences they have and what they can do to potentially advocate for themselves and find resources to support them. We will also talk about what therapists can do to make sure that they are providing a safe space for them.
How does racism impact people’s sexual health and wellbeing in general?
Sexual health involves physical, mental, social and emotional wellbeing. With systemic racism, biases are inherent in a lot of medical practices, and trying to seek quality care or resources in terms of sexual health becomes difficult for people of color. The stress brought about by racism on a day-to-day basis impacts people’s relationships and sex life.
How do you advise people of color to seek out help that will be responsive?
Communication is key. Do not hesitate to seek information in a community amongst people who are struggling or dealing with similar issues, regardless of whether it’s medical or therapy. It is important to ask questions and be transparent and open to people about what you’re seeking for in a doctor or a therapist. Kristian Holmes also recommends some groups that she considers to be safe spaces where black people can go to explore their sexuality and discuss issues that they may be having.
How can therapists create a safe space for people of color?
Therapists have to make sure that they are aware of their inherent biases or stereotypes. It is necessary to educate yourselves outside the office and self-reflect to know who you are comfortable dealing with and the different issues that you are comfortable talking about. If you are struggling in dealing with clients who are of color, seek supervision and consultation. Holmes also goes into dismantling specific stereotypes associated with black people in general.
How can therapists make it clear that they are offering a safe space for people of color?
There are a number of factors that can help convey this message. It could be the training that you are attending, what you are posting on social media, and just really showing that black lives and black people’s mental health matters.
Biography:
Kristian A. Holmes is the founder of Stepping Stones Counseling & Wellness Center. She is a licensed mental health counselor, National Certified Counselor, qualified supervisor for registered mental health interns and certified Florida School Guidance Counselor with experience working with adults, children, adolescents and families in various settings such as schools, day treatment programs, the criminal justice system, and as a private psychotherapist. Kristian obtained her Bachelor’s, Master’s and Specialist degrees from the University of Florida.
A holistic, strength-based, and sexological approach that is tailored to meet the unique needs of each individual is utilized in therapy along with other techniques and approaches that are complementary to the client’s presenting concerns. Kristian is fully dedicated to helping her clients realize their potential through support and empowerment.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.thesteppingstonescounseling.com
Instagram: @stepstowardswellness
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/198-racism-and-sexual-health-kristian-holmesMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 11 Oct 2021 - 20min - 577 - 197: Guided by Glow – Sayra Player
Actress Sayra Player takes us into a different level of meditation. We discuss tapping into our imagination to inspire creativity with masturbation and getting in touch with our body and sensations. Along with a team of writers, actors, creators, and producers, she founded the app Guided by Glow, a guided meditation app designed to increase women’s sexual wellness through erotic audio experiences.
What is the story behind the business and why did Player start Guided by Glow?
Meditation is a magical and healing space and much needed by everybody. But the idea of bringing someone into this mindful state to have imaginary sexual play hasn’t been explored yet. Pooling her network of actors and producers, Sayra Player tried to fill in that gap. From a big closet that she turned into a makeshift studio, her team created erotic stories that are now helping many to own their sexuality and bring awareness to the senses and imagination.
Why is it powerful to connect to the imagination of the senses?
Masturbation puts one in an imaginative and creative state. Every guide on the app has the intention to create a meaningful, intimate experience with the listener. Imagination and creativity can lead us to a truthful state, and can allow us to enjoy sexuality.
What else can you do to enhance your experience?
Sayra Player would want to empower people to write their own fantasies. She talks about how her team is now encouraging people to play with their imagination and really embrace all the parts of themselves where they hold shame and fear.
How can Guided by Glow improve somebody’s sex life with their partner?
These recordings can help relationships, especially long-term relationships, stay fresh. A lot can happen to our mind and body when we do a 10-20 erotic meditation before sleeping with our partners. Sayra also said that this app was created for her younger, single self, so she could get that glow and energy from being sexually satisfied even without having a partner.
How do these ideas about creativity or imagination show up in an actual sexual encounter with a partner?
Sayra believes that just like meditation, listening to the Guided by Glow sessions will help you tune in more to your body. It also helps to bring in energy, presence and sensuality as well as creating a space to accommodate your partner.
Biography:
Sayra Player is founder of Guided By Glow, the guided audio app designed to help users unlock their sexual power through meditative erotic stories. An artist and actress, Sayra is dedicated to creating playful, inspiring experiences and deeply believes in spiritual transformation through fine art.
Sayra has written, produced, cast, starred in, and directed many films and theatrical productions throughout her career. Sayra previously served as Artistic Director of The Collective NY, where she nurtured over 60 artists, produced benefits, fundraisers, and 10 plays, and developed scripts for television and film.
Sayra believes that sex is emotional, spiritual, and can be key to nurturing a deeper relationship with oneself. Through Guided by Glow, Sayra aims to contribute to a culture that fosters healthy sex lives by combining mindfulness with sensuality to honor the body’s needs without shame.
Resources and links:
Guided by Glow’s website – https://www.guidedbyglow.com
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/197-guided-by-glow-sayra-playerMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 04 Oct 2021 - 21min - 576 - 196: Bodyfullness – Dr. Rachel Allyn
In this episode, Dr. Rachel Allyn, a holistic psychologist, and pleasure expert, walks me through the concept of “bodyfullness.” Sharing some personal experiences, she talks about how embodied mindfulness can help us heal our traumas, reclaim our right to healthy pleasures, and inspire heartfelt human connection.
What is bodyfullness?
Bodyfullness is the ability to use connection and movement and physical awareness, in addition to paying attention to our thoughts and feelings, to really open up to pleasure. It also recognizes the ways that trauma lives in our body but goes to the next step of owning our rights to life’s pleasures and giving ourselves mental permission to enjoy, especially in a world where pleasure has been labelled a dirty word.
How does the practice of bodyfullness tap into our capacity for healing and connection?
Bodyfullness is moving away from the notion that feeling good in our body is bad and should be repressed. In fact, reverence for our body is the portal to opening up to different types of pleasure. When we open up to pleasure just within our own self, we connect more to others, and it helps us to open up to intimacy and relationships, be it sexual or platonic.
How do we overcome some barriers to bodyfullness such as self-acceptance and body image issues?
Dr. Allyn believes that part of the system we’ve been raised in is the epidemic of disembodiment, and that we should start an inner revolution about our bodies. bodyfullness is not just loving our body, but also embracing pain and discomfort especially when we override our body’s messages. We should all take time to listen to the language of the body and put it into balance.
Four essential and overlooked types of pleasure
Dr. Allyn discusses the four types of pleasure, underscoring the need to embrace all of life’s pleasures, because we all deserve to experience every single one. She talks about sensual pleasure, playful and creative pleasure, flow states, and erotic and sexual pleasure. Embracing pleasures does not mean running away from pain. Rather, it helps us tolerate and regulate pain, and keeps us grounded and honest about ourselves in dealing with emotions.
How do people expand their pleasure and how do they share it with others?
Dr. Allyn suggests slowing down and giving the body permission to rest. We need to start with ourselves before moving into engaging with others and bringing in somebody else to share in our pleasures. We need to own our right to pleasures first to effectively share and open up to what others might want for pleasures. Ultimately, it is a process of give and take.
The Pleasure Is All Yours: Reclaim Your Body’s Bliss and Reignite Your Passion for Life
In her book, Dr. Allyn gives light to people feeling stagnant coming out of the pandemic. She hopes that her book can reignite the power of inner connection to our bodies in order to connect to others on a deeper level. The negative feelings that we experience during these trying times are all part of a natural reaction to our collective trauma. Self-compassion, patience and support from others is key.
Biography:
RACHEL ALLYN, PHD is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified yoga instructor, public speaker, and relationship columnist. She is the founder of YogaPsych, PLLC, a psychotherapy practice for adults that blends Western medicine with Eastern philosophy and connects the mind with the body. She has been in private practice for almost fifteen years working with individuals and couples dealing with sexuality, intimacy, and relationship problems as well as trauma, depression, anxiety, and loss. She’s been quoted in books and magazines including Yoga Journal, Women’s Health, Outside, Good Housekeeping, and Cosmopolitan.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.drrachelallyn.com/
Instagram: @drrachelallyn
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/196-bodyfullness-dr-rachel-allynMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 27 Sep 2021 - 29min - 575 - 195: ADD and Sex – Lisa Schwartz
Lisa Schwartz is here with me to talk about the intersection of ADD/ADHD with relationships and sex. We go over how ADD/ADHD can show up in various ways, strategies to build an intimate relationship, and how ADD is not just a disorder.
Definition- Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Lisa’s personal experience with ADD has helped her work with patients in her practice. She says that people with ADD can hyper-focus on things that grab their interest. While doing that, they may not be able to focus on things that are not of interest to them.
Recognizing the behaviors of ADD/ADHD
From her experience with patients in her practice, Lisa lists several behaviors such as disorganization, not being present, short-term memory issues, lack of energy, and more, that people with ADD exhibit. One can be recognized as having ADD when one or more of these behaviors begins to show themselves.
How does ADD/ADHD show up in sex and relationships?
Lisa uses David Reed’s Erotic Stimulus Pathway model and Dennis Dailey’s model of sexual beings to explain how ADD shows up in sex and relationships. Reed’s model around sexual functioning talks about seduction, sensation, surrender and reflection. Lisa describes how ADD/ADHD interrupts relationships with one’s partner, sexual and otherwise. Dailey’s model of sexual beings categorizes human beings into sensuality, intimacy, identity, reproduction, and sexualization. These categories show up to affect individuals with ADD and their partners in sex and relationships.
Tips for people with ADD/ADHD in terms of sex and relationships
Lisa advises people with ADD/ADHD to take their medication to keep their focus, plan their sexual activities on a leisure day to conserve their energy, build an environment comfortable for both partners and practice mindfulness to stay present.
It’s also important for partners to identify ADD/ADHD and view it as separate from them in a way that doesn’t impact their efforts to work on it collaboratively.
Final thoughts
Lisa leaves us with the message that ADD/ADHD is not necessarily a disorder, but to be viewed as something positive that enhances creativity and passion.
Biography:
Sexuality educator and psychotherapist with more than 20 years of experience, Lisa B. Schwartz has a doctorate in Human Sexuality Education and a master’s degree in Psychological Services from the University of Pennsylvania.
Dr Schwartz has a private psychotherapy practice and has specialized in the area of sexuality issues since 1994. Welcoming to a diverse clientele, and varying relational partnering (couples, thrupples and others), she works with clients on a wide range of sexuality issues: for example, issues about the impact of ADD/ADHD, change in sexual desire, infidelity and enhancing sexual experiences.
Licensed by the State of Pennsylvania and New Jersey to practice Marriage and Family Therapy, Lisa B. Schwartz also is licensed to provide telehealth in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Florida. She earned her certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy in an in-depth, three-year program offered by the Family Institute of Philadelphia. In addition, she is a sex therapist certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Dr Schwartz received specialty training in relationship and sex therapy on diagnosing and treating erectile dysfunction. She remains current about sexuality issues by participating in continuing education programs.
Lisa B. Schwartz is a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Association for Women in Psychology and the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
Resources and links:
Website: sexualconcerns.com
Melissa Orlov www.adhdmarriage.com
www.additudemag.com
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/195-add-and-sex-lisa-schwartzMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 20 Sep 2021 - 32min - 574 - 194: Navigating Parenting Differences – Rachel Duffy
Rachel Duffy brings in actionable tips to navigate parenting that not only enriches your relationship with your children, but also unlock some of the barriers to your sex life. We discuss parenting issues, how to correct behavior, and navigate the differences in parenting approaches with your partner.
Finding a passion for caring for family and children’s wellbeing in all her professions and personal life, Rachel explored conscious parenting to help people navigate parenting and life with children in general.
When You Disagree with Your Partner’s Parenting in the Moment
Rachel urges people to recognize their children’s ability to grow up with different parenting styles from each parent. To avoid a conflict in front of children, Rachel points out maintaining communication with trust and the assumption that your spouse ultimately wants the best for your children. It sets children up with a realistic image of marriage and empowers them with choices of their approach to parenting when they’re older. Giving children the space to express their feelings about one’s parenting is crucial.
Examining Upbringing and Repeated Patterns
Rachel believes from personal experience that people tend to repeat patterns of parenting like their parents even if it goes unnoticed sometimes. To avoid repeating those patterns, parents must work on understanding how their upbringing is projecting in their parenting, and reevaluate.
Navigating Differences in Parenting Approaches
Rachel stresses the unreliability of “quick fixes” and advises parents to dig deeper into the root cause of their children’s behaviors, and why it bothers them. Creating a rapport with your children to communicate and address what’s going on behind those behaviors or examining what’s going on with their relationship with the parent could help. Sometimes it’s parents’ triggers to children’s behavior that needs addressing.
How to Support Your Partner with Their Triggers?
Moving forward with compassion and an understanding that your partner is doing their best with the tools they have is necessary to implement an actionable plan that addresses the issue at hand.
Actionable Tips to Navigate Conflict in Front of Children
The best way to navigate differences in front of children is to make a plan in advance such as coming up with a signal to let the partner know when it’s time for them to break away. Rachel also suggests parents either work with a therapist for deeper issues or with a parenting coach to speed up the progress while children are still at home.
Why is it Worth Doing?
Rachel says that working on parenting not only deepens one’s connection with the children and themselves, but also deepens the relationship between the parents.
Biography
Rachel Duffy is a Certified Conscious Parenting Coach. She helps high achieving parents get off the “Roller Coaster Track” of parenting by learning how to set boundaries with their kids without yelling, feeling guilty or getting their buttons pushed so that they can foster a deep connection and enjoy the time they have with their families
Through her unique methodology, she helps parents become Parenting Architects: gain patience, understanding, authentic connection with their children, become powerfully grounded and finally, see the success they have in their professional setting also within their home.
Unlike traditional parenting models that rely on quick fixes to put out fires, Rachel helps you create life-lasting change, without using discipline or fear, by facing uncomfortable truths, risk-taking and not settling for mediocrity.
With decades of combined experience as a family lawyer and businesswoman, Rachel brings a unique combination of both strategic and tactical tools alongside growth and self-development, all delivered with compassion. Today, she works with parents and leaders to help them find freedom, joy and direction in their parenting and leadership positions.
Resources and links:
Website: sagacitylab.com
IG: @_rachelduffycoach_
FB: https://www.facebook.com/sagacitylab/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sagacitylab/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/194-navigating-parenting-differences-rachel-duffyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 13 Sep 2021 - 36min - 573 - 193: Pleasure as a Means of Healing Trauma – Kathy Slaughter
Kathy Slaughter introduces an interesting way of integrating pleasure, in both sexual and everyday activities, as a way to heal from trauma. She talks about what trauma does to our body and mind, how to regain the connection between the two, navigate healing in intimate relationships, recognize triggers, and how to trust and feel safe.
Slaughter’s Interest in Healing from Trauma
Kathy’s interest in this field of work stems from her decades of experience working with situations like domestic violence, substance abuse, and gender and sexuality struggles. Evolving from her own experience as well, Kathy embraced the idea of pleasure becoming a step in healing trauma.
Integrating Sexual Pleasure in Trauma Healing & Its Relevance
While it’s harder to incorporate pleasure in the initial stages of trauma survival, it can be experienced through soothing activities, like a hot bath. When you’re in the thriving stage, embracing pleasure can unlock a pool of resources of soothing strategies. Trauma disconnects people from themselves and the process to get the connection back varies for every trauma, but it’s also fundamentally the same and comes out of the need to feel safe and trust.
Role of Physical Pleasure
Kathy identifies behaviors her clients enjoy and reinforces those behaviors in everyday life which couples can transition into the bedroom. Once they start integrating pleasure into their daily life, they learn to be mindful of things around them that bring them pleasure, help with anxiety, pressure release, and sleep.
Partner Pleasure in Healing from Trauma
While healthy relationships can restore your connection with yourself, relationships that have trouble with intimacy through sex can experience pleasure in everyday things like holding hands or cuddling. Kathy suggests trauma survivors take individual or couples therapy to recognize triggers and learn how to not let them get in the way of intimacy.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn Response & Sharing Responsibility
A partner who tends to respond by fighting can snap in the bedroom when triggered, a partner with a risk of fleeing might respond by pulling away. Someone with a tendency to fawn might be prone to please, while someone whose response is to freeze might dissociate in the bedroom. Kathy suggests looking out for these responses to check in when it shows up.
She believes that the partner initiating the activity has the primary responsibility to look out for triggers, while the other person as an adult has the responsibility to look out for themselves at all times. It’s about balancing, supporting, and being there for each other.
Biography:
Understanding how abuse happens, how to recover from it, and how communities can prevent abuse and respond to harm in life-affirming ways forms the basis of Kathy’s passion. Grounded in Social Work values and paradigms, Kathy has spent 15 years working on healing trauma and uncovering pleasure, agency, and safety in the consulting room. Currently, she leads a team of five at Soaring Heart Counseling, a sex-positive, queer-affirming, trauma-informed therapy practice in Indianapolis, Indiana.
To connect with pleasure, Kathy enjoys practicing yoga and meditation, dancing, hiking, and planning outdoor adventures with friends at regional Burning Man festivals.
Resources and links:
Website: soaringheartcounseling.com
Twitter & Instagram: @SoaringHeartIndy
Conference about polyamory: ethicalpolyam.com
TEDx talk: https://soaringheartcounseling.com/love-lessons-from-open-relationships/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want sex again so it never feels like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/193-pleasure-as-a-means-of-healing-trauma-kathy-slaughterMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 07 Sep 2021 - 36min - 572 - 192: Men Raped by Women – Kelvin Pace
Breaking myths about male victims of sexual assault, Kelvin Pace joins me in talking about changed parameters, frequency, the societal narrative of men raped by women, the path to healing, and resources of support.
What Drew Kelvin Into Working With Victims?
Kelvin observed that 80-90% of the transitional youth that he worked with were sexual assault victims, prompting him to work in the field. After CDC came out with the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, which included a new parameter of ‘made to penetrate’, it was found that at any given year, 1 out of 4 men are sexually assaulted.
Change in Parameters – ‘Made to Penetrate’
Before the new parameter came out, the sexual assault of men only included men being raped in prison and men sexually assaulted by other men. However, the new parameter of ‘made to penetrate’ changed it to include men being made to penetrate by other men or women by coercion, influence under substances, or by guilt. He noted that 75% of men reported being made to penetrate by female perpetrators.
Societal Myths
Kelvin explains that we grow up believing that men can’t be raped because men must want sex all the time; that men can’t sleep through sex with an erection, and if men have erections or ejaculate they must have consented to sex, all of which are societal myths that push men away from reporting their sexual assault.
As 71% of victims experience some form of sexual assault before the age of 25, they grow up believing a narrative that pushes them to become hyper-masculine and defensive. Kevin works to provide victims a safe space to be vulnerable, express their feelings, and tell their stories.
Process of Healing – What to Expect?
Kelvin builds trust with his clients He takes his clients through the process of talking about their feelings and thoughts, has them ask questions about the emotions triggered, and gathers information as a result to form decisions on the behavior. The clients then sit with those negative and positive behaviors and decide which one to act upon. This helps them feel empowered and in control.
Connecting Past Thoughts and Present Emotions
Kelvin helps his clients to sit with their emotions in the present and connect them to the thoughts of their past. After contemplating questions like “what if?” and “should I have?”, his clients have an opportunity to come to a place of acceptance. Kelvin then gets his clients to answer what they’ve learned about the experience and themselves. The responses would usually include resilience and empowerment. While it’s important to learn and not ruminate about the experience, it’s also important to recognize what happened.
Biography:
Kelvin Pace, MS, LPC-S, CST. He graduated with a master’s in clinical psychology from the University of Alaska Anchorage in 2009.
Kelvin is the owner of Kpace Counseling, LLC where he serves clients in private practice. He does contract work with Full Spectrum Health as a behavioral health clinician where he works with an integrated care team delivering evidenced-based care to persons of the LGBTQ+ community. Kelvin has worked for a local non-profit delivering mental health services to children and young adults that have suffered from complex trauma. With a firm foundation in trauma, he delivers trauma-informed sex-positive therapy to his clients.
Kelvin provides services to couples and individuals dealing with sexual or relationship issues that include low desire, anxiety surrounding sex, and infidelity. His current focus is on mindfulness-based interventions to manage sexual concerns and he works with persons that are either in or looking to explore non-traditional relationship orientations that fall under the umbrella of consensual/ethical non-monogamy.
Resources for male sexual assault survivors:
Malesurvivor.org https://malesurvivor.org/
Rainn.org https://rainn.org/
Menhealing.org https://menhealing.org/
Local stand against rape groups https://www.nsvrc.org/
Resources and links:
Website: kpacecounseling.net
Email: kpacecounseling@gmail.com
Facebook: @kpacecounselingLLC
IG: @kpace37
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/192-men-raped-by-women-kelvin-paceMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 30 Aug 2021 - 31min - 571 - 191: Letting In Vs. Letting Go – Benson Fox
Trauma: Letting in vs Letting Go
Benson Fox; a transformational coach, therapist extern, a psych major, and a current doctoral student of Adelphi university, guides people and helps them to embrace all parts of themselves. He talks about the effects of sexual abuse and the impact unprocessed trauma can have. He also talks about how to process trauma.
Listening To Parts of Yourself That Advocate Your Needs
Benson believes people tend to shun parts of themselves like anger, shame, depression, self-doubt, and hatred for reasons such as ‘societal messaging’, when in fact these emotions should be felt and processed.
He says that all parts of yourself are advocating for your needs, like shame advocating the need to enforce boundaries. In those cases, it’s important to correct these behaviors by relying on one’s internal system (that’s been evaluated and chosen for oneself) rather than outside validation. He further dives into identifying some exceptions and how one can deal with them.
How Does It Get In The Way Of Your Sex Life?
According to Benson, all experiences, including trauma, have both negative and positive aspects to them (in the context of an individual to process it and not in any way to justify the experience). When people have a negative experience, they tend to shut out the parts of themselves that feel something positive. It leads to a lack of trust in those parts when they go unprocessed. He further explores this idea by giving examples and discussing some of the dangers and the blurriness of this concept.
What Is The Process?
Benson believes that people should process as much pain as they can while maintaining a balance, so that they can get full access to their potential. In his practice, Benson follows parallel processing of functionality, optimization, and self-actualization for the short term and long term, where he incorporates the NASRI model – Notice, Accept, Sit, Respect, and Integrate. He takes us through each step of the process and emphasizes that NASRI is not an instructional-based model, but something that the client molds for themselves. The goal is to understand ‘how to address and receive the defenses’ while processing what’s behind the defense.
Impact of Benson’s Orthodox Jewish Background on His Work and Perspective
Benson’s Jewish background gives him confidence and trust in his process. His view of the world through the physical dimension of action and spiritual dimension of mindset, and the belief that we live in both at the same time allow him peace and confidence as a professional that people will be taken care of, but at the same time, helping as many people as he can.
Biography:
My name is Benson Fox, and I am an experienced and certified transformation coach and crisis counselor. I’m a major in psychology from Touro College and currently a doctoral student in Psychology at Adelphi University and a therapist extern at Brooklyn College. I help men and teens looking to gain balance, harmony, and joy in their personal and professional lives.
Resources and links:
Website: www.coachbensonfox.com Get a free 30 minute consultation now!
All socials: @coachbensonfox
Email: results@coachbensonfox.com
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/191-letting-in-vs-letting-go-benson-foxMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 23 Aug 2021 - 40min - 570 - 190: Hormones are Your Superpower – Dr. Stephanie Estima
Dr. Stephanie Estima, author of the book The Betty Body: A Geeky Goddess’ Guide to Intuitive Eating, Balanced Hormones, and Transformative Sex, joins us to talk all about how women can take control and embrace their bodies. She talks about chronic stress, menstrual cycle, sleep, hormonal imbalance, nutrition, and how we can love ourselves by understanding them.
“Women need to have twice as much sex than men” – Dr. Estima
Women have 52% less serotonin synthesis than men which causes women to require twice as much reinforcement. This reinforcement could be sex or otherwise to fill that gap.
The Betty Body
Dr. Estima’s The Betty Body promises to help women get their own “Betty body”. Its philosophy is rooted in being size agnostic and embracing the body that you already have. The book helps driven people with a vagina embrace their gender agnostic feminine energy as much as their masculine energy by slowing down and getting attuned to their bodies.
What the book teaches people with a vagina
The book talks about the effects of chronic stress on physiology. Chronic stress is of two types: Eustress and Distress. While eustress gives out ‘good stressors’ to motivate you, distress negatively impacts you to de-energize. Dr. Estima talks about these stressors and their effect on your menstrual cycle and your ability to embrace your body in the book. Dr. Estima believes women must understand their menstrual cycle and how to use their hormonal flow to their advantage.
Hormonal imbalance and sleep deprivation
Dr. Estima explains the impact of hormonal imbalance and the various hormonal compositions that occur while moving from perimenopause to menopause. She stresses the importance of mastering the natural bases like generalized movement, stress reduction, and nutrition before considering other options like hormone replacement therapy.
She talks about the impact of sleep, regular sex, and orgasm on the vitals (heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, oxygen saturation, and menstrual cycle) and the activation of pleasure centers in the brain. To solve sleep deprivation, Dr. Estima suggests avoiding bright lights in the evening and keeping caffeine intake to 12 hours before sleeping.
Advice for women struggling with orgasm
Dr. Estima advises women who’ve never had an orgasm to take it slow and spend an hour every day exploring their bodies to figure out what they like. Self-pleasure could be the first step towards discovering more about your pleasure points. She emphasizes the freedom in play and the lack of pressure. She suggests resistant training and protein intake improves the synthesis of testosterone for people experiencing anorgasmia.
She leaves us with hope for every betty to look inside themselves for their worth rather than external validation.
Biography:
Dr. Stephanie Estima is a doctor of chiropractic with a special interest in metabolism, body composition, functional neurology, and female physiology.
She’s been featured on Thrive Global, of the Huffington Post, has over 3.5 million article reads on Medium.com, and has helped thousands of women lose weight, regulate hormones, and get off medications with her signature program, The Estima Diet. You can hear her every week on her podcast, Better! With Dr. Stephanie.
Resources and links:
Website: bettybodybook.com Get your free gifts and guides!
Book: Find The Betty Body: A Geeky Goddess’ Guide to Intuitive Eating, Balanced Hormones, and Transformative Sex in all online stores
Podcast: Better with Dr. Stephanie – https://hellobetty.club/podcast/
IG: @drstephanieestima
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclas
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/190-hormones-are-your-superpower-dr-stephanie-estimaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 16 Aug 2021 - 39min - 569 - 189: A Sexplanation – Alexander Liu
Alexander Liu joins me in a conversation about his documentary “A Sexplanation”, which talks about his journey of coming out as gay in high school and his continued shame and disconnect over sex in his adult life. He talks about his journey into researching sex and sexuality and his changed conception.
Story Behind the Documentary
With society stigmatizing sex between men, in spite of having supportive parents, Alex went through a difficult mental journey coming out as gay in high school. He felt shame around sex, fantasies, his body, and had a hard time communicating his desires with the other person. His research into a healthy sex life began after opening up to his friends and realizing they had the same concerns.
Evolving Conception of Sex and Sexuality with Research
Soon after he began his research, he found normalcy around fantasies, anal sex, pleasure, and more. He had a revelation about his idea of sex and sexuality not centered around pleasure but around risk factors, health concerns, and societal stigmas. He started out by asking questions about orgasm and porn, which then evolved into him understanding sex and sexuality as sacred. Being introduced to gay sex through religion, Alex didn’t realize it could be something meaningful that he could decide how he wanted to express.
He saw the need to normalize sex, masturbation, and pleasure in the right way for kids and started filming a documentary by interviewing experts from all areas, asking them his questions, doubts, and fears around sex and sexuality.
A Sexplanation
The movie dives into Alex’s narrative and investigates many aspects of coming out, navigating relationships, sexual stigmas, sex life, and communication with a partner. It shows his journey into finding his authentic way of expression and its significance. All of which are relatable to many people of all sexualities who are dealing with issues around sex and meaningful connections.
Examining Porn and Sex Education in “A Sexplanation”
Many seek out porn to see the mechanics of different kinds of sex, but it leaves out the realistic aspect of pleasurable sex. The documentary examines whether kids should be taught about how pleasurable sex works in school, taboo fantasies, and more. It covers talking with people from churches, conservative politicians, and planned parenthood about educating people around these issues.
How can people become sexually literate?
While people can get accurate medical information about oral, anal, and vaginal sex through trusted internet sources and planned parenthood, it’s harder to learn to trust the people closest to you with your fears and doubts. It’s also important to check personal bias and make sure it’s not projecting from a bad place.
Biography:
Writer, Director Alex Liu’s work explores taboo topics like sex and drugs in order to broaden our understanding of science, morality, and how to negotiate a meaningful life. He’s developed two YouTube channels focused on sex and drug education, with over five million views. After studying molecular toxicology at UC Berkeley and Science, Health, and Environmental Reporting at New York University, he produced video, radio, and print content for NOVA ScienceNOW, CNN Health, and San Francisco NPR station KQED.
Resources and links:
Website: asexplanation.com See the trailer and get tickets to stream online.
@asexplanation — All social handles (FB, IG, TW)
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/189-a-sexplanation-alexander-liuMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 09 Aug 2021 - 30min - 568 - 188: When your partner has Alzheimer’s – Wanda Braveman
Wanda Braveman joins me today to share her personal story through her book, “White Knight: Living with Alzheimer’s Moment by Moment.” The book details her difficult journey with a partner who had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. She talks about how their relationship changed, issues of consent, and their sex life while sharing her powerful story.
Background of their Relationship
Wanda reminisces about her first encounter with her husband, Joe, and their connection on their first date. After their heartwarming encounter, Wanda says they had no contact with each other for a year until Christmas time when they finally got together and ended up getting married 9 months later. Discussing their relationship before Alzheimer’s, Wanda talks about Joe’s achievements of high diving in high school and his high intelligence. They had an incredibly passionate sex life and a normal married life. Four and half years into the marriage, they realized that Joe couldn’t read the time on his watch, which they mistook for poor eyesight. Later, she realized they needed a doctor after Joe couldn’t remember his social security number or his co-workers’ names.
Sexual Relationship After Being Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
Wanda’s husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at the age of 57. They continued having a sexual relationship; Wanda says, “It was like saying goodbye.” Seven months into the diagnosis, their sexual relationship took a turn when the act was no longer filled with tenderness and romance, but something that could quickly have turned into sexual assault. Wanda then took action to put a stop to it. While there are many books about the clinical aspect of Alzheimer’s disease, there were none about how Alzheimer’s feels from a personal perspective. It was a book that Wanda needed when she had no one to talk to about her experience as she was going through it.
Wanda describes the advancement of Alzheimer’s as inconsistent. As their lovemaking stopped, Wanda was concerned that, since his inhibitions were lowered, he might attack other women or their daughters due to his sexual frustration. Their relationship took a turn from being intimate to Wanda assuming the role of his mother and taking him to work every morning.
Role of Consent
Wanda combined his dislike of showers with lovemaking, intending to give him pleasure; a ‘loving gesture’ as Wanda says. She grappled with how consent played out in the later years. She realized their relationship dynamic and the context of him reciprocating loving actions, such as rubbing soap and confessing his love to her, made it clear that there was consent. However, she emphasizes that what was right for their relationship in this context isn’t right for everyone.
Wanda learned to take her pleasure into her own hands and recognized how to take care of herself in a healthy way.
Dealing with Grief
While Wanda battled with grief during this time period, noticing Joe’s happiness, she learned to be in the moment and savor it. Although she experienced grief with every change that occurred, and then some more, later on, she stayed present with him. Wanda’s book is used in her husband Steven’s therapy practice called, “Care for Caregivers”, where they focus on how caregivers feel and deal with their loved one’s disease.
Parting Words
Wanda’s book addresses caregiving for everyone including mothers, children, spouses, or those with full-time jobs. It applies to everyone, including people of the LQBTQ+ community who are in a loving partnered relationship with a partner diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. She leaves us with parting words, urging people to stay and live in the moment with their loved ones even when it’s difficult to assume a role.
Biography
Wanda offers a fresh new approach to ISGC with her memoir, “White Knight: Living with Alzheimer’s Moment by Moment”, and her warm counseling style. She makes caregiving a personal experience and enjoys sharing her life-gained wisdom and experience with others. In addition to the day-to-day management of our center as an Office Manager, Wanda is the founder and leader of our cutting-edge group, Care for Caregivers Group, based upon her book. She designed this group to enable people to become their own “White Knight” through learning and practicing self-care methods, as well as a positive, stay-in-the-moment philosophy, and to apply these principles to their work with loved ones who need their care. “You have to take care of yourself first!” This group is also for professional caregivers; it’s our experience that all caregivers need support. Wanda also co-leads our Monterey Transitional Support Group for the Transgender Community and our Sacred Sexuality/Tantra workshops for those seeking a closer connection with themselves and their beloved.
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/188-when-your-partner-has-alzheimers-wanda-bravemanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 02 Aug 2021 - 36min - 567 - 187: Considering Polyamory – Martha Kauppi
Martha Kauppi joins me in talking about her book, “Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)” which acts as an aid for therapists and serves as a self-help manual for people who are considering polyamory or encountering problems around polyamory.
What is polyamory?
Martha defines polyamory as an open relationship where some or all partners have agreed to have more than one romantic and/or sexual partner. Her book caters to all forms of ethical non-monogamous relationships; even the ones that might have started out rocky.
Is polyamory an identity or a choice?
Martha believes polyamory could be an identity for some and a choice for others. While some consider it something that they choose, others identify themselves as polyamorous because they’ve always known that their relationship dynamic would involve more than one intimate partner. For some, their choice could later develop to be an identity.
Martha says that people choose to be polyamorous for several reasons; they could want to explore their sexuality, a kink, a fetish, or a desire discrepancy that they could not explore with their partner. To resolve the problems in their relationship and fulfill their desires at the same time, people find polyamory a logical option.
The benefits of polyamory
While polyamory allows someone to have multiple partners and experience different kinds of sex, it’s also an opportunity to form a supportive and caring family. People develop communication skills and endurance in a polyamorous relationship, and along the way, it opens one up to personal, relational, and emotional growth. Martha’s book addresses these topics and offers strategies to improve and apply these skills in and outside of the relationship.
Pitfalls and how to overcome them
Martha says that coercion is one of the biggest pitfalls. To avoid it, one has to figure out what they want, feel, or value beyond just the terms of polyamory or monogamy, but what they represent to their partner, and how to come to a place where they can advocate for themself. It eliminates the possibility of being pushed into saying yes but also allows one to expand their thinking and consider all options. Unlike monogamy, in polyamory, people are not subjected to choose between who to pursue. People can choose both or many and decide the dynamics of each relationship.
Emotional regulation and jealousy
Emotional self-regulation helps manage difficult emotions that are triggered in polyamory, such as jealousy. While co-regulation is seen often it’s not always reliable. Martha emphasizes that one has to decide to manage these emotions, and then have an honest and open conversation to address things before they’re revealed in a way that can’t be avoided.
How to make strong agreements
Skills in ‘differentiation of self’ aid in making strong and sustainable agreements. A strong agreement is one that all partners agree on and revisit before it’s broken. It’s more important to figure out how to make a strong agreement one at a time than having one at all.
Martha encourages people to find a therapist who is willing to work with them to develop skills that make it possible to have a relationship that they desire.
Biography:
Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor with a lifelong career in health and sexuality. Martha specializes in working at the intersection of sex and relational issues. She creates and presents educational materials that are based on theory and scientific knowledge while also being practical, effective, and immediately applicable by therapists and their clients.
Resources and links:
Website: https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/about/
Book: Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) – released on 15 May 2021. Available at Rowman & Littlefield, Amazon, and in UK outlets
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/More info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 26 Jul 2021 - 46min - 566 - 186: Cyber Infidelity with Dr. Peter Kanaris
Infidelity looks a lot more complicated in the cyber world. Dr. Peter Kanaris joins me to unravel what constitutes cyber infidelity, the recovery approaches involved, and ways to rebuild trust.
Relationships in the Digital Age
Dr. Kanaris views the digital age as a “relationship accelerator” wherein the connections are made just as fast as they are broken. The digital age expedites and exposes every part of life that would otherwise be revealed slowly.
What is cyber infidelity?
Dr. Kanaris says that all infidelity in today’s age is cyber infidelity, as contact through technology is inevitable in the relationship in today’s age. Infidelity looks different in the 21st century than it did before. He calls it AAAP – Accessibility, Affordability, Anonymity, Portability. Technology has made it easier to seek infidelity without actively looking for it.
I and i-infidelity
Capital I-infidelity is violating agreements partners have about what they find acceptable to do or watch, such as electronic or face-to-face involvement, porn, sex, involvement of feelings, etc. Lower case i-infidelity is when involvement with technology takes over your priorities and responsibilities towards your partner but not necessarily anything sexual. Dr. Kanaris advises partners to have an honest conversation about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in the relationship.
I-Infidelity and sex addiction
Sex addictions are not scientifically accepted in the professional world as they are popular in the media. Instead, Dr. Kanaris works with the model of ‘out of control sexual behaviors’ to help someone be in charge of their sexual wellness. However, for someone who chooses to cheat, he suggests a psychological approach to determine the underlying cause.
What to do once you see the red flags?
When you see red flags like catching your partner watching porn or sexting somebody else, Dr. Kanaris suggests having an open yet non-accusatory conversation about boundaries and what you’re uncomfortable with. If you’re still met with defensive behavior, it’s time to look further.
Recovery and rebuilding trust
The first step is to understand that technology poses challenges. Then address any out-of-control behaviors if there are any. The partners should then ‘collaborate and cooperate’ to manage technology in their relationships. When the conflict arises, Dr. Kanaris suggests employing externalization of the problem rather than looking at the problem from within the person. To rebuild trust, instead of going back to the blind faith model, Dr. Kanaris talks about an evidence-based model. Here, the partner who broke the trust takes initiative to be transparent and reassuring even if it costs them their privacy for the time being.
Tune in to find out what more ways there are on the path to recovery.
Biography
Dr. Peter Kanaris holds a doctorate in Clinical and School Psychology from Hofstra University. He is an N.Y.S. licensed psychologist and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists certifies him as a Diplomate of Sex Therapy. He is a Distinguished Fellow of the New York State Psychological Association. He is a graduate Post-Doctoral Fellow of the Albert Ellis Institute in NYC where he served as a senior clinician, training supervisor, and faculty member
Dr. Kanaris has served as the Public Education Campaign Coordinator for the American Psychological Association in New York State. He has been the featured guest on many live interviews and call-in television programs where he has discussed a variety of topics on relationships and sexuality. He has appeared on radio programs from San Francisco to New York and has given numerous Internet, newspaper, and magazine interviews discussing topics in sexuality and mental health.
As Clinical Director of Hewlett Consultation Center from 1981 through 1999, Dr. Kanaris’ responsibilities included psychotherapy, sex, and marital counseling, and coordination of clinical services, professional training, and public education. Since 2000, Dr. Kanaris has directed the Sexual Diagnostic Program at his office in Smithtown, New York.
Resources and links
Website: https://cyberinfidelityhelp.com/
Free guide to infidelity in the digital age: https://cyberinfidelityhelp.com/infidelity-in-the-digital-age/
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want sex again without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/186-cyber-infidelity-with-dr-peter-kanarisMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 19 Jul 2021 - 41min - 565 - 185: Cultivating Female Desire – Dr. Brandye Manigat
For all of the women who have ever wanted to feel sexy again; Dr. Brandye Manigat joins me in talking about cultivating pleasure and desire and reconnecting with one’s libido. She shares her insights and discoveries throughout her journey of becoming a Women’s Pleasure Coach.
Her personal experience around low libido, as well as a lack of public information surrounding the topic, motivated Dr. Manigat to go from being an OB/GYN to a Women’s Pleasure Coach, helping women to achieve lasting change in the perception of their bodies and desire.
Teaching People About Arousal and Desire
Dr. Manigat’s teaching around arousal and desire involves having a conversation with the client about what their thoughts and ideas about sex and pleasure are, and where they stem from. These ideas are often learned through family and culture and are influenced by movies. Having a conversation about what an orgasm means to them and the steps they can take to consistently have an orgasm can help women to erase insecurities and achieve pleasure.
When to Get Help?
Dr. Manigat urges people to seek help when the lack of desire disrupts daily life. Sex drive is inconsistent through various stages of life; having kids, divorce, pre-menopause, menopause, etcetera. Though women can be technically diagnosed with Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), not all women meet the criteria. This does not mean that they should not get help.
How to get in touch with desire?
Dr. Manigat recommends journaling as a way to untangle one’s thoughts and emotions. She gives prompts to clients, such as what makes them feel sexy outside the bedroom. These prompts reveal things that could be practiced in everyday life, which helps transition pleasure both in and out of the bedroom.
Low Libido at Different Ages
Menopause doesn’t necessarily cause low libido; however, you could experience low libido for the same reasons as before, such as fatigue and interrupted sleep, which causes depression, which in turn affects the libido. Medication taken during menopause could also lower libido. Young women could overcome low libido by reconnecting with their partner through meaningful conversations about dreams, sexual experiences, new fantasies and attempting to rekindle their intimacy.
Approaches to Help Women Struggling With Orgasms
Dr. Manigat advises women to educate themselves about their anatomy and multiple pleasure points and how to stimulate them to orgasm. Furthermore, she also emphasizes people being present and mindful during sex, to focus on any of the five senses to keep you in the present. Women who have never had an orgasm can educate themselves about the different ways orgasms manifest and the sensations one would feel.
Take Away
She leaves us with a valuable affirmation, saying, “You are worthy and deserving of pleasure. You don’t have to work to earn it, it’s not something you’ve to strive for.”
Biography
Dr. Brandye Wilson-Manigat, MD, also known as “Dr. Brandye”, is among the country’s well-known physicians. As a board-certified OB/GYN and Women’s Pleasure Coach, she brings a unique approach to women’s sexual health, achieving a holistic integration of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual elements of you. This creates lasting positive change in how you view yourself, your body, and your pleasure. She is called upon by various local and national media outlets to give a fresh perspective and new information on women’s health trends.
Dr. Brandye is the founder and chief medical advisor for DrBrandyeMD.com, where she has created a safe space to discuss real-world strategies to help women learn the truth about sex and orgasms and embrace their feminine essence, and feel good both inside and outside of the bedroom. Her book, “My O My! A Committed Woman’s Guide to Getting the Great Sex She Deserves”, is an Amazon #1 Bestseller and has helped numerous women to live their Best. Sex. Life. Ever!
Resources and Links:
Website: https://drbrandyemd.com/
Bio hacks pdf- https://biohacksforbettersex.com
Sessions: https://drbrandyemd.com/services/
Book: In My O My: A Committed Woman’s Guide to Getting the Great Sex She Deserves
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/185-cultivating-female-desire-dr-brandye-manigatMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 12 Jul 2021 - 33min - 564 - 184: Anorgasmia in Women – Dr. Rachel Needle
Dr. Rachel Needle joins me in a discussion about anorgasmia. We speak about how it manifests, what we can do about it, and if it’s something that can be turned around. We answer questions that most of us have asked at one point or other in our lives.
What is anorgasmia?
Dr. Rachel defines anorgasmia as ‘a sexual dysfunction characterized by a persistent or recurrent delay in the absence of achieving an orgasm. Some women with anorgasmia have never had an orgasm, and others have experienced a delay. She says that 5 – 10% of biological women have life-long anorgasmia, whilst others have orgasms depending on the situation or the person. She addresses anorgasmia by studying the person’s sexual and relationship history.
What does an orgasm feel like?
Dr. Rachel says that one can recognize an orgasm when one has an involuntary muscle contraction. It can be felt throughout the whole body and can sometimes cause you to lose control of your body. However, recognizing it can depend on whether you’re focused enough to experience all of the sensations that are leading up to it.
Struggles with orgasm & treatment options
She talks about the importance of exploring and experimenting with your body. We miss different sensations when distracted and when we’re thinking only about orgasming. Communicating your needs to your partner and practicing mindfulness can help one to be in the moment. She gives some effective tips to keep yourself and your partner engaged throughout.
Women who have trauma related to sex are prone to life-long anorgasmia. This makes it difficult to be vulnerable during sex; obstructing arousal and orgasm. Biological issues, medications, and the kind of language we use are some contributing factors that can prolong arousal and orgasms.
Acquired and situational anorgasmia
People with acquired anorgasmia used to have normal orgasms, but now cannot. Dr. Rachel suggests figuring out and understanding what and how things have changed since the diagnosis. Those with situational anorgasmia might have difficulty reaching orgasm with one partner, but not face the same difficulty with another partner. They could easily reach an orgasm by themselves, but not with a partner. This happens when one is not comfortable letting themselves be vulnerable experiencing things with a certain partner.
Faking an Orgasm
Dr. Rachel urges people to focus on figuring out how they can achieve an actual orgasm. Instead of telling your partner that you’re faking it, communicate with them about trying new things until you are comfortable enough to experience the orgasm.
Biography
Dr. Rachel Needle is a Licensed Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice and the founder and executive director of the Whole Health Psychological Center, comprehensive psychological practice with therapists with a broad range of specialty areas. Dr. Needle is an Adjunct Professor of Psychology in the Department of Behavioral Sciences, in the masters in forensic psychology, and the Doctorate in Criminal Justice programs at Nova Southeastern University. She is the founder and CEO of the Advanced Mental Health Training Institute and Co-Director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes which provide continuing education to Mental Health and Medical professionals and Sex Therapists around the world.
Dr. Needle has specialized training in the area of substance use disorder. She is a professional consultant to facilities specializing in the treatment of substance use disorders and assists them in expanding and enhancing clinical programming. She also does expert training for staff members at residential and outpatient facilities that specialize in alcohol and substance abuse. Dr. Needle is a business coach and consultant and helps therapists build and thrive in private practice both in-person and online! She is the co-owner of My Private Practice Collective which offers a course on how to start, grow, and thrive in private practice.
Resources and links
Website: drrachel.com
Practice: wholehealthpsych.com
Training & certifications: modernsextherapyinstitutes.com
Email: drrachelneedle@gmail.com
More information
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want sex again without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/184-anorgasmia-in-women-dr-rachel-needleMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 05 Jul 2021 - 37min - 563 - 183: [Personal Story] Living with Lichen Sclerosus – Tammy
Tammy brings her journey with Lichen Sclerosus and the experiences of many other women to light in this episode. We hear everything about what it’s like to live with Lichen Sclerosus, its challenges, treatment options, and how to get support.
What is Lichen Sclerosus?
Lichen Sclerosus is an autoimmune condition where the body attacks itself. It is thought to be genetic. It usually occurs in the genitals, but can also affect other areas of the body, where it can cause itching and discoloration on the wrist, inner thighs and stomach. Lichen Sclerosus affects young and old women.
Tammy’s history with Lichen Sclerosus
Tammy started experiencing extreme itching and burning beginning in her 20s. Others may experience visual symptoms like white patches of skin. At the age of 44, she was diagnosed with Lichen Sclerosus after doing a punch biopsy. She believes stress and genetics played a role in her diagnosis. Shame and discomfort made it harder for her to find the right diagnosis and thus she emphasizes the importance of finding the right doctor.
Impact on sex life
Tammy warns people against looking up their condition online. She talks about how many women go through this process with unsupportive partners. Other than sexual and mental issues that make sex difficult, pain is a big factor. It can change the way your vulva looks when the labia of both sides fuse and are sometimes absorbed entirely. The vaginal opening can shrink, causing sex to be incredibly painful. Clitoral phimosis is a condition when your clitoral hood fuses with the clitoris making it less sensitive. Other than affecting your sex life directly, it makes even performing menial tasks extremely painful.
Treatment options for Lichen Sclerosus
Talking about her history, Tammy says she started off using triamcinolone, a moderate steroid. Clobetasol cream and ointment is the most common treatment that’s specifically used for Lichen Sclerosus. Hydrocortisone is used to soothe itching. She talks about the “Mona Lisa touch” used by Dr. Andrew Goldstein who uses a specific machine to improve collagen production. While it may seem like a dermatological issue, many doctors don’t seem to know much about it.
Impact on Mental health
This grueling process in which women receive little support is hard on their mental health and sexual health. Tammy says the process of finding the right diagnosis takes its toll. The shame and embarrassment around Lichen Sclerosus can be helped by having a supportive partner.
Available support
Women with Lichen Sclerosus are at a higher risk of getting vulvar intraepithelial neoplasia and other autoimmune conditions. Tammy found a supportive environment for women who have both Lichen Sclerosus and intimacy issues in Facebook support groups. While finding support and acceptance of Lichen Sclerosus is hard, it’s helpful to be surrounded by people going through the same thing on this journey.
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/183-personal-story-living-with-lichen-sclerosus-tammyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 28 Jun 2021 - 36min - 562 - 182: When You’re the One Who Cheated – Tammy Nelson
Tammy Nelson, the author of the book When You’re The One Who Cheats, joins me to talk about cheating and infidelity from the point of the cheater. She offers her interesting insight on why people cheat, what it’s like to be cheated on, and the recovery process.
Is it Infidelity?
Tammy defines infidelity as forming a relationship outside of your primary partnership; a relationship with a sexual context such as flirting online or paying a sex worker, in which you are dishonest about these relationships with your primary partner. The pandemic has caused an increase in online infidelity. People cheat for various reasons, but Tammy says that defining what infidelity means to you can help to start a conversation with your partner and can establish an agreement of implicit monogamy.
Kinds of Infidelity
While some people cheat to break up, for others, it’s a wake-up call to turn something around in their relationship. In Tammy’s words, “People rarely look for someone to cheat with, they look for someone to be.” Only 7% of affairs end up in marriage with the other person, while most affairs don’t last longer than a year. People who choose to make it work after the affair should acknowledge their changed relationship and incorporate their needs and desires into the new relationship to avoid another affair or any resentment.
Recovering from Infidelity
Before sharing anything with family or friends, it’s best to deal with the trauma in the conflict/crisis phase. The partners should process everything, from how it happened to how they’ve changed, in the insight phase. In the vision phase, the partners make decisions about moving forward. The goal of recovery is not to forgive, but to work on building a new sex life that is fulfilling. She points out red flags that people need to look out for before deciding to move forward.
Should You Tell Your Partner?
A partner who confesses to an affair after it’s over to feel good about themselves, knowing it could devastate their partner, is selfish. Many feel that they would want to know if their partner ever cheats, Tammy suggests, considering the extent of information you would want to know.
How to Avoid Cheating
Tammy believes people also cheat because they have experienced developmental challenges of a second adolescence and seek to evolve their personalities. They rebel against their partners as they did with their parents. To avoid cheating, partners can work through this stage together to reinvent themselves and have fun. She also advises seeking therapy and outside support to grieve the end of the relationship instead of using your partner for it.
Advice
Tammy advises us to differentiate between intuition and fear because intuition allows us to trust and move forward.
Biography
Tammy Nelson Ph.D. is a Board Certified Sexologist, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, a Certified Imago relationship therapist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, and Executive Director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute as well as Director of the Ph.D. program in Counseling and Sex Therapy at Daybreak University in Southern California. She is the author of several books including Integrative Sex and Couples Therapy, When You’re the One Who Cheats, The New Monogamy, Getting the Sex You Want, and What’s Eating You? Her latest book Open Monogamy will be released in November 2021 with Sounds True Publishing. Her work has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, NY Times Magazine, CNN, Rolling Stone, and Time Magazine. She is a TEDx speaker and host of the podcast The Trouble with Sex. She is in private practice in Los Angeles CA.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://drtammynelson.com
Podcast: https://www.thetroublewithsex.com/podcast
Book – When You’re The One Who Cheats: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1999481003/
Email Tammy and get your free E-book! https://drtammynelson.com/contact/
More info
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want sex again without it feeling like a chore: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/182-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated-tammy-nelsonMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 21 Jun 2021 - 39min - 561 - 181: When Sex Hurts – Dr. Irwin Goldstein
Dr. Irwin Goldstein, the founder of field of sexual medicine, joins me in the conversation about female sexual pain. He drives the talk with tons of fascinating information about sexual pain, including what are the different categories, common causes, and treatment options.
The prevalence of female sexual pain
Within the last month, 1/3rd of women reported experiencing sexual pain or some form of discomfort during sex, while only 2% to 7% of men reported sexual dysfunction or secondary pain. He urges women to ensure they find the correct medical professional and find answers to their questions as he has found many women go untreated due to misdiagnosis.
Dr. Goldstein best categorizes various kinds of sexual pain by the area it originates. The pain in the vulva is diagnosed as vulvodynia. However the vestibule is often overlooked as the source of pain, and more than 90% of the time is misdiagnosed as vulvodynia.
Hormonally Mediated Vestibulodynia
Dr. Goldstein warns against birth control pills as they have harmful side effects that can eventually affect your sex life. He urges women to consider other birth control methods like Long-acting reversible contraceptives (LARC) – IUDs, Nexplanon and Implanon contraceptive implants, and progesterone. He further informs that The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and The American Academy of Pediatrics no longer consider birth control pills as the leading method of contraception.
Causes in Older Women and Treatment Options
For older women over 40, the hormonal challenges of menopause are a leading cause of pain. He mentions that women go through two stages of menopause, where the first one causes low testosterone levels and the latter causes low estrogen levels. He shares available treatment options for this.
Other Common Causes and Treatment Options
Among other causes, Dr. Goldstein talks about Neuroproliferative vestibulodynia, a condition where women suffer from life-long pain. Monistat is the number one medicine women use that causes neuroproliferative vestibulodynia. The only treatment option available is surgically removing the vestibule, which has an 80% cure rate and is completely non-disfiguring.
Tune in for valuable advice that can make a huge difference in your life.
Background
Dr. Goldstein has been involved with sexual dysfunction research since the late 1970s. He has authored more than 350 publications as well as multiple book chapters and edited 6 textbooks in the field. His interests include penile microvascular bypass surgery, surgery for dyspareunia, sexual health management post-cancer treatment, genital dysesthesia/persistent genital arousal disorder, physiologic investigation of sexual function in men and women, and diagnosis and treatment of sexual dysfunction in men and women.
Dr. Goldstein is Director of Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital, Clinical Professor of Surgery at the University of California, San Diego, and practices medicine at San Diego Sexual Medicine. He is also Editor-in-Chief of Sexual Medicine Reviews and past Editor of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. He is a Past President of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. He holds a degree in engineering from Brown University and received his medical degree from McGill University.
The World Association for Sexual Health awarded the Gold Medal to Dr. Goldstein in 2009 in recognition of his lifelong contributions to the field, 2012 he received the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health Award for Distinguished Service in Women’s Sexual Health, in 2013 he received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, and in 2014 he received the ISSM Lifetime Achievement Award from the International Society for Sexual Medicine. He is happily married to his college sweetheart Sue, and together they have three children and five grandchildren.
Resources and Links:
National Vulvodynia Association: https://www.nva.org/
International society for the study of women’s sexual health: https://www.isswsh.org/
Book: When Sex Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Banishing Sexual Pain
Schedule a Courtesy Call with San Diego Sexual Medicine :
http://sandiegosexualmedicine.com/courtesy-call
More info:
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/181-when-sex-hurts-dr-irwin-goldsteinMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 14 Jun 2021 - 50min - 560 - 180: Wheel of Consent – Dr. Betty Martin
Dr. Betty Martin, the author of the new book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, is highlighting the importance of giving and receiving and maintaining that balance in sexual relationships. Today, we get to hear about what it means to set boundaries, follow consent, and how all of that comes into play in terms of taking care of oneself.
Why is it important to be selfish sometimes?
While giving to your partner and thinking about their needs is an important part of the sexual relationship, being stuck in that position and being deprived of your own needs is not sustainable. It’s an opportunity taken away from your partner to give, and an opportunity that you are missing to receive. The relationship becomes strained when your partner has to figure out what to give, and things only become worse when they do it wrong. There has to be a balance of giving and receiving.
Dr. Betty’s Wheel of Consent takes apart the acts of giving and receiving and allows each aspect to be examined individually. In real life, it is not necessary to do these things one at a time, but this practice allows you and your partner to understand each other’s needs.
Why are we so poorly equipped to receive?
The reason that we’re programmed to not receive touch as we are supposed to, is because we assume receiving to be ‘done to’ us. Since touch is given to us, we assume that we’re supposed to like it, and from that, confusion arises about what’s wrong with us for not liking it. According to Dr Betty, this confusion began during our childhood when things happened that we didn’t like. Things such as changing diapers, noses being wiped, being picked up, going to bed early; our bodies were taught that there was nothing that we could do about it.
Since then, this dislike has been reinforced by things ‘being done to us against our will in ways that we didn’t like or didn’t want’. On the other hand, we keep giving ‘touch’ in a way that we think other people like without ever asking how they’d like to be touched, either because it’s an awkward conversation to have, or because the thought to ask has never occurred to us.
How can people get better at giving and receiving?
For one to get better at giving and receiving, Betty suggests going through her book and following the processes stated in the book, beginning with the 3-Minute Game. In this game, one must give to their partner for three minutes, and then their partner must give to them for three minutes. She suggests starting with areas that don’t feel too sexy so that you can give yourself space to notice those areas and ask for what you want. Over time the game becomes more natural, and every time you play, you can discover something new about what you like or what you don’t like. More than touching itself, observing what you want and asking for it is key.
Negotiating Boundaries and Limits
Dr. Betty urges people to say no without adding any polite justification if they don’t feel comfortable doing something. If you’re not entirely against the idea, she suggests negotiating the parts you want to do and the parts you don’t want to with your partner, such as telling your partner to touch an area, but not tickle it. She emphasizes the importance of setting limits. By setting those limits, you can be playful within those limits without the worry that your partner is going to do something you don’t like.
She encourages people to listen for the ‘pull and not the push’ while considering their partner’s request. If they suggest something edgy, you can decide to try it if it feels like it could be fun, even though it’s edgy. However, if you’re telling yourself to do it simply because you don’t want to let your partner down, then it’s better to simply say no.
Biography
Dr. Betty Martin has had her hands on people professionally for over 40 years as a chiropractor, and upon retiring from that practice, became a certified Surrogate Partner, Sacred Intimate and Somatic Sex Educator. Her explorations in somatic-based therapy and practices informed her and allowed for her creation of the framework, The Wheel of Consent®.
As part of her work with the School of Consent, Betty travels around the world, teaching practitioners how to create empowered agreements in their client sessions in her highly sought-after training, “Like A Pro: The Wheel of Consent for Practitioners.” Originally developed as an offering to teach much-needed consent skills to sex workers and touch providers, this training is now attended by somatic therapists, massage therapists, sexuality educators, medical and health care workers, activists, human resources folks, and the spectrum of touch-based professional providers – all of whom complete the training with a clear understanding of how consent starts with our own bodies, and then expands outwards into all forms of human relating, with or without touch.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://bettymartin.org/
Book (Get your free chapter!): https://wheelofconsentbook.com/
Workshops: https://www.schoolofconsent.org/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/180-wheel-of-consent-dr-betty-martinMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 07 Jun 2021 - 31min - 559 - 179: The Logic of Our Fantasies with Michael Bader
Michael Bader, the author of the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies joins me in a fascinating conversation about sexual fantasies. We get to hear his ideas about sexual fantasies and what they mean.
Decoding Sexual Fantasies
Michael recognized the need for an applicable approach to sexual fantasies to help patients with their shame and guilt surrounding their sexual fantasies and preferences. His arguments originated from a theory from Joseph Weiss. Michael argues that sexual fantasies are constructed to express our sexual desires and arousals in a way that is acceptable to our guilty conscience.
Michael gives an instance of dominance and submission, and the fantasy of having or giving up control over our sexual stimulation. That control could look like a masochistic fantasy or desiring partners with a rough exterior or self-centered. Curating this fantasy is exciting because ‘they don’t have to feel guilty about hurting the other person.’ A person assuming the role of a dominant knows that they are going to assume control over this person and that person would feel aroused by it and not be hurt and the same goes for the person assuming the submissive role. This fantasy dissolves the guilt of hurting each other. Sexual fantasies are strategies that our mind unconsciously develops to allow us to free our sexual excitement from things like guilt.
The Purpose of Sexual Fantasies and their role
Michael believes a person’s sexual fantasies act as a window into their unconscious psyche. When a person harbors feelings of guilt, shame, or responsibility for another person’s wellbeing, it inhibits the person’s sexual desires and thus resulting in the development of sexual fantasies to avoid such feelings. These inhibited sexual desires can interfere with other aspects of life. In the consulting room, when we analyze these sexual fantasies what we discover is “the revelation of someone’s core beliefs’’, which show up in the other parts of life and not just sexually. Analyzing these sexual fantasies can help the patient’s guilt and shame around their desires and also inspect the roots of their beliefs that caused their sexual fantasies.
Sexual Fantasies Are Not Meant To Be Changed
As long as there’s an innate need for attachment, the feelings of worry, care, responsibility, and guilt towards loved ones will be present. These needs tend to almost always show up in people’s sex lives. There won’t ever be a time where people will stop feeling these that stem from our core needs. And since sexual fantasies arise to overcome those feelings, they will always be needed as a way to express our sexual desires.
Are there Problematic Fantasies?
Every fantasy is enjoyed by somebody. Porn has tons of types of pornography for every population and some of the unpopular categories wouldn’t exist if there weren’t people to consume it. The problems with these fantasies coming true are they produce porn and sex addicts that take people away from being emotionally and sexually present in relationships and marriages. These fantasies could be anything.
Talking about limits to our sexual fantasy, Michael says, unless our sexual fantasies take us away from being psychologically present, being aligned with our values, and doing something meaningful from other people, sexual fantasies are not problematic. Michael also believes sexual fantasies that are illegal in reality are not problematic to think about unless they’re acted even slightly in any way.
Biography
Michael Bader, DMH is a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over 40 years of clinical experience in the San Francisco Bay Area. He has written extensively about the interaction of psychology, culture, and politics and has produced a podcast – Mysteries of the Mind—about these issues. He is the author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, and Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand It, and Men Don’t Either.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://michaelbader.com/
Books: https://michaelbader.com/books/
Other Publications: https://michaelbader.com/writings/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/179-the-logic-of-our-fantasies-with-michael-baderMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 31 May 2021 - 43min - 558 - 178: Holistic Approaches to Erectile Dysfunction – Dr. Tracy Gapin
Dr. Gapin defines ED as an inability to attain an erection that is satisfactory for intercourse; however, he points out the subjectivity of an erection and brings down the definition to “an inability to have satisfactory intercourse”. He distinguished ED from performance anxiety by addressing the psychological component of a person’s psyche that acts up when one worries and develops anxiety over underperforming.
Various causes of ED
He distinguished various causes of Erectile Dysfunction into four categories and briefly talked about the disorders that could cause these dysfunctions.
Disruption of normal nervous function
Disrupted blood flow to the penis
Hypogonadism, thyroid, hyperlysinemia from poorly controlled diabetes, and hypercortisolemia from chronic stress.
Cognitive component plays an important part in erectile function. According to Dr. Gapin, stress can act as a disruptive component in a person’s life driving them away from the thought of sex.
Evaluating ED
Dr. Gapin addresses the systems-based approach that is followed in healthcare practice. He alerts people to recognize the multiple components that could cause ED before trying to fix it with a pill. He promotes the human systems approach with his patients where he understands and addresses the sleep patterns, stress, vascular health, hormones, and all other factors that could affect erectile function. He advocates adjusting to healthy nutrition and change in lifestyle to reverse the effects of ED by improving glycemic control, weight loss all of which have an effect on energy, hormones, and cortisol which ultimately come down to sexual health.
Improving erectile function by improving six areas of health
Dr. Tracy emphasizes improving six areas of health – Nutrition, sleep, mindset and stress, hormones, detox, and fitness to ultimately improve erectile function. While quantity is an important factor of sleep, he focuses on the quality of sleep. Poor sleep is said to raise cortisol levels and blood sugar, make you store fat, and lower testosterone levels ultimately affecting sexual function. He counsels on following a healthy diet by following an individualized plan on what foods to eat and avoid, as genetics play a big role in nutrition. As stress is an important component that men take up about various aspects of their lives, he emphasizes practicing gratitude and mindfulness by the following meditation and breathing through the nose. In the area of fitness, Dr. Tracy recommends strength training, cardio, low-intensity activities, and stretching. For more than 50% of men, improving their health in all the above areas will profoundly improve their sexual function.
Treatment options
Dr. Tracy talks about “band-aid treatment” including oral medications and intracavernosal injectables. Commonly used oral medications are Viagra and Cialis and they last from 24-48 hours depending on the medication. Intracavernosal injectables like trimix, bimix, or quad mix are taught to be directly injected into the penis and it gives an erection for up to two hours. These treatments are short-term fixes and won’t fix the underlying cause.
Fixing the underlying cause will help in improving the blood flow to the penis for the long term. He suggests a Vacuum pump that acts as an actual vacuum by sucking the blood into the penis to create an erection. A penis ring can be used to maintain the erection and to help with penis compression. It’s a non-invasive procedure, and he recommends using it 10-15 minutes every day to have a profound effect.
Two of the regenerative treatments are gain wave and PRP. Gainswave is a low-intensity shock wave therapy used to focus the shock waves at a specific point under the skin to cause neovascularization and angiogenesis to create new blood vessels in the penis. It’s done by stimulating stem cells and growth factors to produce new blood vessels and can be done over 8 to 10 sessions. Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) is when you draw a patient’s blood to separate the layer of platelets and growth factor and inject it in five different spots on the penis to stimulate stem cells and growth factors to produce new blood vessels. It’s done in a single session.
Dr. Tracy talks about Penile Implant as a last resort. It’s a surgical procedure done by placing an inflatable cylinder-like device into the penis which can be manually pumped to stimulate saline to go from a reservoir placed in the belly into the cylinder to create an erection. He explains several downsides to the procedure like a slight penis shortening, losing sensitivity, losing the feel of a natural erection, and damaging the chances of ever having a natural erection.
Testosterone Pandemic
Dr. Tracy opens us up to some shocking numbers of drop in testosterone levels and fertility levels over the last 30 years. He talks about the chemicals and endocrine disruptors in the environment that are decreasing the hormones, causing immune disease, obesity, infertility, hormone issues, and cancers. He points out the difficulty in avoiding those as they are present everywhere in our food products, plastic water bottles, packaging containers, household cleaning products, personal care products- shampoo, deodorant, cologne, sunscreen, soap, etc. To curb the effects, he says we need to teach and learn how to minimize exposure to these chemicals.
Biography
Tracy Gapin, MD, FACS is a board-certified urologist, world-renowned men’s health & performance expert, best-selling author, and professional speaker. He has over 20 years of experience focused on providing Fortune 500 executives, entrepreneurs, and athletes a personalized path to optimizing their health and performance.
Dr. Gapin incorporates precision hormone optimization, peptide therapy, state-of-the-art biometric tracking, epigenetic coaching, and cutting-edge age management protocols to help men not just optimize their testosterone levels but radically upgrade their health and vitality and reverse aging, so they can be the most amazing version of themselves.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://drtracygapin.com/
Free copy of the book – Male 2.0: http://drtracygapin.com/limitless
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/178-holistic-approaches-to-erectile-dysfunction-dr-tracy-gapinMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 24 May 2021 - 40min - 557 - 177: Urology for Women – Dr. Lamia Gabal
Dr. Lamia Gabal is a Urologist with a sub-specialty in Female Pelvic Medicine and Reconstructive Surgery. She talks about all kinds of concerns women bring to a Urologist, information about the treatment options, and how to go about it.
Sexual issues that bring women to urologists
Women come to urologists for various kinds of sexual concerns. While traditionally urologists were thought to be “Male gynecologists”, Dr Lamia says urologists deal with much more than that. Women come with issues of Urinary Incontinence, Urinary Tract Infection, orgasmic dysfunction, female sexual dysfunction, libido issues, and more. Many women who come with these concerns back away from having sex with their partners because of the embarrassment they feel around it. Sometimes fixing their medical problems also helps them with their sex lives. While male concerns around this subject are already well understood and treated, female sexual dysfunction has only received a “trash can diagnosis”, says Dr. Lamia. There are several types of female sexual dysfunctions and each needs to be treated accordingly.
Urologists also deal with hormonal changes and core dysfunction. Thinning of vaginal tissue as women age can also lead to sexual dysfunction. Pelvic organs prolapse after childbirth can also lead to sexual dysfunction and can be painful.
Medical concerns that drive women away from having sex
There’s an overlap of urologists and gynecologists in the sub-specialty of female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery, with each performing their roles. However, not all urologists or gynecologists specialize in the field Dr Lamia does. She categorizes the kinds of concerns patients come in by their age. While most of her patients are post-childbirth age, she also treats young women who come in with issues of painful sex which could be pelvic floor dysfunction or dyspareunia and is usually associated with sexual trauma or PTSD. Women who are of child-bearing age often come in with recurring Urinary Tract infections. Women who are getting older and are past having kids struggle with pelvic organ prolapse, urinary incontinence, and fecal incontinence. All the concerns Dr. Lamia mentioned can drive women away from having sex or from having a satisfying sex life.
According to Dr. Lamia’s advice, women who experience Urinary Tract Infections that have constipation, pelvic prolapse, and vaginal atrophy (thinning of vaginal tissues) should consult a urologist.
Where does sex intersect in terms of conversations with patients?
As a doctor, there’s no training you get in medical school that prepares you to have these conversations about sex with your patients. It’s often one’s interest to seek out more information and awareness that leads to these conversations with patients. Dr Lamia says it’s important to talk about sex with their patients to provide better health care, it aids in understanding how it affects their body and to make important decisions. However, most doctors don’t have these conversations for reasons of not having enough time or not being comfortable enough. Sometimes because of the assumption that an older patient might not be sexually active, which should not be done.
Pelvic Organ Prolapse – treatment options
Pelvic Organ Prolapse commonly occurs after childbirth and is more common with vaginal deliveries. All of these factors put pressure on organs making them lean into the vaginal wall. It increases the risk of urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, and UTIs, and the most severe case can cause kidney dysfunction. It can be treated by “Pessary” which delays or prevents the need for surgery. Surgeries like cystocele repair, rectocele repair, and slings for incontinence are also an option, but patients can expect them to be redone after 15-20 years. It can impede sexual intercourse when the patient is constipated or something else. The surgery fixes vaginal laxity caused by this which can benefit sexual intercourse for both partners.
Treatment options for Urinary Tract Infections
To treat Urinary Tract Infection, all the other causes of the infection has to be ruled out through either a physical exam, an ultrasound of the kidneys, or a cystoscopy. Dr. Gabal explains some treatments that could help such as maintaining good sexual hygiene, treating constipation, emptying bowels regularly, consuming fiber and a lot of water, peeing before and after sex, using plenty of lubrication that isn’t “warmed or flavored” can help to reduce the infection. Using antibiotics after intercourse and using probiotics to normalize vaginal bacteria can also help. She suggests supplements like cranberry and D-mannose prevent certain types of UTIs.
Conditions That Can Cause Sexual Pain
Dr. Lamia talks about pelvic floor dysfunction as the most common cause of dyspareunia or painful sex. It causes mild pelvic floor muscle spasm to vaginismus where the vagina doesn’t open and causes pain. To treat this, she suggests soaking in a tub, putting heat on the area, or taking muscle relaxant drugs prescribed by the doctor. Pelvic floor physical therapy is the most effective of all and is done by specially trained pelvic floor physical therapists. Post-menopausal vaginal atrophy could also be the cause. She talks about birth control as an understated cause that causes thinning of vaginal tissue and a change in PH levels causing painful sex. She recommends putting topical testosterone mixed with estrogen to treat it.
Biography
Dr. Lamia Gabal, MD, FPMRS, is a board-certified physician who specializes in several areas of medicine, including urology and restorative surgeries. Dr Gabal has more than 20 years of experience in the field of general medicine and urology. The doctor and her staff take great pride in offering many of the newest, cutting-edge treatment options and strive to continually provide the latest in technological advancements.
She graduated from the University of California at San Diego Medical School in 1995 and performed two separate residencies at the UCSD Medical Center. She was the recipient of the “Patient’s Choice Award” from 2011 to 2013. Currently, Dr Gabal serves residents of Southern California at Prestige Medical Group in Santa Ana, CA.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://www.drgabal.com/
Services: https://www.drgabal.com/services/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/177-urology-for-women-dr-lamia-gabalMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 17 May 2021 - 41min - 556 - 176: Trauma Sensitive Sex – Cass Biron
Today’s episode covers trauma and how it can obstruct our ability to connect our body and arousal to our emotional and social being, and later obstruct the way of connecting intimately with our partner. Cass Biron talks about the structure and ways people can approach this and overcome the struggle by integrating play and flexibility with their partner.
Cass’s Entry Into This Line of Work
Cass’s interest in this line of work stemmed from a young age of asking questions about how bodies work. She later enrolled in the Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy training in New York City and first heard about the vagus nerve and Polyvagal Theory. She dove deep into understanding the interaction between the different states of the nervous system present during sex and how they play a role in enabling richer sex lives and relationships.
Polyvagal Ladder by Dep Dana
Cass explains the model of Polyvagal Ladder by Dep Dana which consists of a top head region where all the social and emotional connections originate. It involves reading facial cues to detect the inner feelings of a person and is especially present during sex. It functions as non-verbal cues that help strengthen the connection and intimacy between the partners. Lower down is the fight or flight area of the torso where our energy is stored. Cass explains the fight or flight function that causes the increase of blood flow, higher heart rate, and heavy synchronized breathing. The bottom of the ladder is the freeze response resting in our genitals between our hips. Cass says it’s present in bodies with a vulva as it facilitates the freeze response that happens with orgasm. However, men have a “jerky kind of orgasm”.
During any sexual encounter or orgasm, we’re in all three states at the same time. Sometimes sex starts from the bottom up and vice versa. Cass talks about identifying physical health through our ability to orgasm by quoting Laura Geiger. She says it’s because we can identify the part of the nervous system that’s having trouble connecting during sex.
Where Does Trauma Show Up In This Picture?
Trauma is held in our physical form and it shows up differently for everyone during sex. Cass says it takes understanding and recognition of how and where we’re holding that stress and tension and pinpointing the occasions that trauma shows up. It takes awareness to incorporate trauma-sensitive sex. Trauma-sensitive sex is about integrating that knowledge about your body into your sex life. To be trauma-sensitive, according to Cass, is understanding your trauma and your partner’s trauma and using that knowledge to build a foundation of communication, consent, and trust. It’s a habit that needs to be circled back every time. She challenges the norm of the “top-down” process by explaining how bottom-down can be just as powerful. Masturbation and sex with yourself can be used as a tool to move through trauma.
Mindful Masturbation
Cass talks about mindful masturbation as a tool to release trauma from your body. She talks about “Masturbation bingo” to help them challenge the ways they think about sex. She suggests picking the video of something you’ve never watched before and suggests deciding on the setting of the room. She starts by having them write down their intentions before beginning. By changing up the routine they’ve built for themselves, they can shift the trauma that’s settled in the muscles of their body to loosen up.
Mindful masturbation teaches the three states of our nervous system to awaken and welcome pleasure rather than reject it. She talks about the challenging experiences people face during this exercise but also talks about how to train your mind to remind you of the present to keep you grounded. It’s about training your nervous system to integrate and work together.
Play
Cass suggests playing as a medium to build a space filled with curiosity and without judgment. Play is the time when our nervous systems are trying to integrate and sync with each other, as well as with our partners’ nervous systems. It facilitates a social-emotional connection between people. Cass urges people to incorporate seduction and flirting into any sort of play. She says play doesn’t have to be something typical, you can introduce seduction into cooking or playing UNO, or getting ready with your partner. The friendly banter and suggestive flirting can in everyday tasks can be play, it’s about understanding what seduction looks like for you and where you want to incorporate it in your day.
Playing outside the bedroom is crucial to building the rapport between partners to handle stressful situations calmly. When something goes wrong in the play, you don’t escalate the situation because it’s just a game. It can be transferred into the bedroom play, says Cass.
Gay Community Expands The Binary Thinking of Sex and Sexuality
Cass takes Alok Menon, a gay writer, artist, performer, and designer as an inspiration to model the expansion of binary thinking of masculine and feminine that limits how we express sexuality. She talks about the challenges that love between couples outside the bedroom has been taken outside the box and how that can be incorporated into people’s sex lives. The act of “penis-vagina sex” confines sex into a box of social conformity and restricts the freedom to be creative in the way we can have sex. She calls on people to examine the ways we used to relate sex to HIV or used to determine our bodies as “gross” because that’s when we learn how these ideas can originate and take root in society. Having been told that the rights to her body were not hers being a catholic, she fights to break the limitations set on having spiritually free and amazing sex.
Biography
Cass Biron is a clinician and a sex educator offering parenting workshops and trauma-sensitive sex workshops for universities and organizations. She works within a pediatric clinic that serves families and children within the foster care system in Queens, NY where she works in a behavioral health team offering expertise on sexuality development, puberty, and how to support children with a high ACE score.
A former sexual health educator, Cass received her Masters in Social Work from the Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College. While extensively trained in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Cass incorporates somatic theories, the polyvagal theory, art activities, and movement therapies to provide each client with tools for coping and thriving.
Cass wants to bring trauma-sensitive sex to all of her clients, as the sexual life and development of each person is to be of great value and supported throughout the entire life course.
Resources and Links:
Website: http://www.ihitherapy.org/
Instagram: @cass.talks.intimacy
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cassie.c.biron
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbUQH_A6pZbwYPxSJTGSCCA/playlists
Email: casstalksintimacy@gmail.com
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/176-trauma-sensitive-sex-cass-bironMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 10 May 2021 - 33min - 555 - 175: Erotic Touch – Christina Antonyan
Christina Antonyan joins me to offer her perspective on erotic touch and its significance in a relationship. We talk about the primal character of attuned touch and how to access it to enhance your sex life without any pressure of reaching a goal.
What got Christina interested in Erotic Touch?
In a one-week seminar on Tantric and Taoist teachings, Christina connected with the world of erotic touch. The seminar involved the activity of women giving pleasure to men and then switching the next day by receiving. It eliminated the pressure to give back at the moment and lead to open up her sense of pleasure. She points out the importance of touch by hands and fingertips as the most sensitive areas of the body. “Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with,” Christina says quoting Carl Jung. Erotic touch enables the energy to flow through the body and reach the genitals while opening up our senses.
This process of Erotic touch emphasizes the concept of receiving and relaxing into pleasure without an obligation to give back immediately. Christina suggests erotic touch as a way to reconnect with your partner during disagreements and when you don’t feel like having sex.
Why is touch so important to us as humans and its significance in a relationship?
Touch is the first form of communication that we experience as babies. It’s how we connect with people, objects, and textures around us. Parents express their love, care, and nurturing through gentle touch, and we lock our memories of that moment in touch because that’s how we received it. And when we lack that touch, we feel disconnected and our energy blocked. Christina gives an instance where she gets a massage to open up her senses and unblock her energy.
What are some common mistakes people make when touching?
Christina points out not being aware as the most common mistakes people make while touching. This constitutes not being present in the moment, making mindless and mechanical movements, and disconnecting with your partner’s body. Christina compares a bad touch with a bad massage that feels unintentional and alien. A partner can sense when you’re occupied by your thoughts during touching or having sex.
How Do You Define What Makes Touch Erotic?
While slow and sensual is one form of erotic touch, many other forms like caressing, stroking, tickling, squeezing, tapping, soft touch, and frim touch come under the erotic touch. Christina says that erotic touch is defined by its intent and awareness rather than the part of the body it’s performed on. Moving further she points out how we as unique individuals experience differently than one another. Most of the time, for instance, during a massage our genitals are skipped. According to Christina, for most women, a lot of sexual energy is held in our thighs and buttocks and when we experience erotic touch in these areas, our energy flows through the body.
Christina talks about “Lingam massage” (penis massage) where men are blindfolded to avoid the person giving the massage becoming their main source of pleasure. The goal is for them to go in their body and experience sensation and pleasure like never before and it applies to women as well. It’s about experiencing non-visual pleasure.
Ways That People Can Practice This Touch With Their Partners
To practice erotic touch with your partners, Christina offers a three-part video series of breast massage, yoni massage, and penis massage. It reaches various hand movements to give different types of touch and experiencing sensations that go along with it ranging from high to low arousal. Christina advises following your intuition and getting creative once you become comfortable with the movements. It can be done by being present and attuned with your partner’s body and observing their reactions to your touch.
Is there any verbal communication that accompanies Erotic Touch?
When it comes to communication during the touch, people have different preferences. While some may like instruction, others might prefer an ongoing dialogue or some may just prefer no talking. She talks about clear communication and saying it right away when something doesn’t feel good. But she also warns us about over-communication and how that would interrupt the flow and make the experience feel “too mechanical”. To make the partner and yourself feel at ease, she suggests several oils that could be used and setting the space with candles and scents and being mindful of the temperature.
Benefits of Erotic Touch and the Difference it Makes in a Couple’s Sex-life.
Erotic touch teaches you how to relax into pleasure and open up to various sensations happening in your body and around you. You connect with your body and your partner’s body on a deeper level where you’re in tune with their desires and your own. People use that sexual arousal to circulate the sexual energy through their bodies. There’s no pressure or an obligation to reach the goal of orgasm and Christina explains it through men’s “in-ejaculation process”. It’s the process to teach men to separate orgasm and ejaculation through erotic touch. It helps you release all the pent-up energy and trauma and sometimes turns into an emotional release, says Christina.
Biography
Curiosity is Christina’s driving force, being born during the Soviet Era in a conservative household gave her an insatiable appetite to be curious about the world. She’s multi-passionate, and one of her favorite passions is sexuality. She has a burning desire to change how we talk about sex since culture, media, religion, environment, and tech shape our sexual beliefs and behaviors
Christina specialized in figuring out how Ancient sexual teachings, Tech and Science applies to the human of today, who has endless stimulation options. She’s traveled to over 60 countries, speaking, giving workshops, and learning from her masters. She’s been studying sexuality for more than 14 years. She’s on a mission to bring sexuality out of the Dark Ages where our sexuality becomes the source of our peace and happiness instead of the source of our shame, guilt, trauma, pain, and anxiety.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://www.confidentlovers.com/
Video Course: https://www.confidentlovers.com/erotic-touch-video-course/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/confident_lovers/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ConfidentLovers/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPxzVQtPzpoGENUMs_d2REw
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/175-erotic-touch-christina-antonyanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 03 May 2021 - 29min - 554 - 174: How Men Can Talk About Their Sexual Desires – Shana James
In this episode, Shana James shares how men can talk about their desires and their vulnerability toward having a thriving sex life.
Shana’s drive to support and guide people into a healthier relationship stems from her younger self who was confused and wanted to understand what a healthy relationship looked like. Now, Shana’s work on communication extends beyond men and can be applied to all heterosexual relationships.
Communication Breakdowns in a Relationship
According to Shana, the most important part of communication in relationships that people need to improve is respect. Drawing on personal experience, Shana suggests that we reflect on the way we treat our partners. While trust is built on actions, words have the power to shake that foundation. Our emotional responses, like name-calling and blaming, are a part of that communication that needs to be fixed for a healthy relationship.
What Makes a Lower Desire Partner Say No to Sex?
A partner can push their lower-desire partner away from saying yes to sex when their conversation takes a turn into complaining and blaming. Instead, Shana suggests having a conversation filled with passion, excitement, and collaboration. Asking questions about what their desires are and talking about what you want to try is a good way to bring them around the idea of opening up about their wants. Depending on the tone of our conversations, lower desire partners can feel the blame and put off their desires. “Innately, there’s nothing wrong with our desires”, Shana says while urging people to work through their desires and initiate collaboration.
Shame Around Expressing Sexual Desires
Shame is one of the biggest hurdles people feel around their desires that makes them say no to affectionate advances or sex. Their partners can offer them a safe space to express those desires by fulfilling their desires outside the bedroom – to be seen and understood. Shana says it’s a collaborative effort of both partners to connect and form an intimate and emotional bond outside the bedroom. It enforces their trust to be playful and explore each other’s bodies, what they like and need, and what you like and need. It’s an experimentation-style approach of constantly being curious about each other’s desires and your own. It helps face the shame and fears with compassion and love.
How To Make Your Partner Feel Safe to Be Aroused & Sexual
Shana’s advice to make your partner feel safe and comfortable to be sexual is to be vulnerable and honest with your reasons for wanting that experience. Unlike many assume, men do feel the need to have sex to connect and bond on a deeper level or to express the love they feel. It’s a way to leave behind the stresses of the day and focus on being a good partner. Shana also points out that when we assume the best of our partner, we start to understand where they’re coming from and show more compassion towards their needs and our own, that’s how collaboration is possible.
Advice on How to Have Vulnerable Conversations
Having conversations about desires and needs can be difficult for many, and Shana advises people to communicate before having sex. The conversation could be about how we’re treating each other in terms of respect and acknowledging each other’s wants and needs. During the conversation, it’s important to hear what the other person is saying and instead of dismissing an idea, try entertaining the thought. You can brainstorm with your partner about how they can accommodate you in a way you feel safe and comfortable to try this new thing. This is where curiosity comes into play, says Shana. In terms of putting your desires forward, Shana suggests the ABC communication method. When you put an idea forward and get a “B” response from your partner that’s surprising, instead of walking away try asking what caused them to respond in that way and be curious to find out.
Final Thoughts
Shana leaves us with a reminder to have those vulnerable conversations in the moment and avoid the build-up of resentment and irritation. Having conversations about sex during a casual time other than in the bedroom can boost that habit of collaboration and teamwork. She also suggests making your pleasure your responsibility by getting to know your body better. She urges people to be playful with sex and not keep orgasm as a goal and be exploratory with it.
Biography
For 15 years Shana coached more than a thousand leaders, CEOs, authors, speakers, and people with big visions to find love, rekindle the spark, step into more powerful leadership, start and grow businesses, increase their impact, create a legacy, and become more personally inspired and fulfilled.
Referred to as a secret weapon, she cuts through distraction and provides direct access to confidence, power, and clarity. She is also a translator between women and men, providing effective tools to transform conversations and dynamics that have gone awry into connection and collaboration.
With an M.A. in psychology, DISC certification, Coaching training, more than a decade facilitating groups and workshops, starting multiple businesses, and helping hundreds of entrepreneurs start their own, her range of skills is unlike many.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://shanajamescoaching.com/
TEDx talk: https://shanajamescoaching.com/tedx/
Guides: https://shanajamescoaching.com/dating-guide/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/174-how-men-can-talk-about-their-sexual-desires-shana-jamesMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 26 Apr 2021 - 34min - 553 - 173: Self Love Secrets From a Bra Fitter with Kimmay Caldwell
On this episode we hear from Kimmay Caldwell, an Undergarment Educator and Coach, whose 20-year-old self, working as a bra fitter, was struck by how people viewed themselves in the mirror. The harsh narratives people came up with while trying on a bra made her transform her own relationship with her body. Now, Kimmay supports all those people who struggle with self-love, self-acceptance and body image through her coaching work. Kimmay covers everything about loving yourself and owning your body.
Becoming a self-love coach and an undergarment educator
Kimmay was an independent and struggling full-time student in New York City and became a bra fitter at a bra shop in Soho where she met all kinds of people from different backgrounds. In the pre-Instagram period of hiding cellulite and stretch marks, Kimmay (like many others) struggled with body image and self-acceptance. Being a bra fitter gave her a window into the most vulnerable parts of people’s minds- what they see when they look into the mirror. The negative stories that people came up within that intimate space made Kimmay reflect on her own relationship with her body. It not only inspired her to improve her perception of her body and image but also inspired her to support others in their own journey of acceptance and love.
Kimmay says that breasts and genitals are the most intimate and sacred parts of our body. However they appear – full breasts or a flat chest, it centers our energy. When people feel shame and discomfort with those parts of their body, it can throw their energy off.
How did Kimmay help as a bra fitter and now as a coach?
Working as a bra fitter in retail, Kimmay would encourage people to see something positive when they experience intrusive thoughts like what their bra size means to them. Now as a coach, Kimmay started with bra fitting sessions where she addresses three things – confusion, discomfort and shame, to get people to start liking what they see in the mirror. Confusion is the educational part of the process about bra sizing, what fits and the differences. Discomfort people feel can be addressed by fitting them into their right bra size. One of her thoughts is around how wearing your right bra size is much like fitting into the right size shoes, it’s about being comfortable in what you wear. Shame is tackled by addressing stories around body types, what it means to them. Kimmay explains how shame grows from the stories we tell ourselves and how shame blocks confidence, potential and connection with our bodies.
Kimmay created the “Hurray housekeeping method” where you view yourself as a house, from the foundation up. It serves women who aim to be successful and achieve bigger dreams. She rightly believes that the kind of person you are outside to the world and in your relationships, at the end of the day, you come to yourself, to “your head and heart space” as Kimmay says it. It’s important to feel comfortable and at home in who you are. To make that happen you change how you talk to yourself, the stories you tell yourself.
Inside, outside and underneath – meaning
Kimmay gets into explaining what her tagline “inside, outside and underneath” means. In taking a holistic approach Kimmay supports people by working inside out. The inside part of the process includes a relationship and connection with your inner self. Changing the way you perceive yourself and the way you communicate about your appearance could transform your inner self. She then guides them into the process of addressing concerns underneath your clothing, which is done by educating people about undergarments. In the next step, she looks outside a person including their job, how they present to people, relationships and more. Kimmay emphasizes the need to connect with yourself first before connecting with someone else in a relationship.
Wearing lingerie for yourself
Kimmay talks about choosing the right bra that fits as a deep clean that leads to a path to transformation. Comparing it to cleaning an actual house, Kimmay explains how it’s a slow and an ongoing process that doesn’t happen overnight or change everything about yourself. Kimmay works mainly with people in their 50s who have time on their hands to focus on themselves and those going through menopause and dealing with changes to their bodies. It opens up an opportunity for them to not only find a right fitting bra but also feel different about themselves physically and emotionally. Kimmay points out the importance of wearing bras or any undergarments as a treat for yourself, to feel the confidence and comfort and not with an expectation for someone else to see it.
Take away
Kimmay gives a wise takeaway of bra fitting by asking people to stop using numbers as a definition and instead use it as information. She urges people to give those definitions to numbers which could also be their salary, age or weight. Understanding information on bra sizing, how it works and what works for you is important. She addresses misinformation that’s been taught about bra sizing.
It’s also a part of misinformation that we don’t know the right way of taking care of our bras, how to wash them and to put them on. She offers free information around this on her website. Kimmay talks about her campaign “More Than My Numbers” where people of different sizes, colors and body shapes are featured and they measure themselves and share their sizes.
Using lingerie to help with intimacy in relationships
Kimmay talks about how certain parts that are covered by undergarments and lingerie itself are sexualized. She points out that you can have never had sex and still use lingerie, like everyday bras or T-shirts that make you feel sexy which gets along well with the exciting fact of loving yourself by dressing well underneath your clothes. Giving space to feel confident with who you are and your body, and feeling of course a bit frisky. Those things can then be brought into an intimate situation with someone’s intimacy at its core. It’s all about vulnerability. Being vulnerable in front of someone is hard when you don’t feel ok with your body, so it’s easier when you feel loved and accepted. Lingerie is also used in a way of self-love to show up bigger in the world. She shares some tips about how to spice up your relationship with lingerie.
Biography:
Kimmay Caldwell is a self-love coach and Undergarment educator who supports people to say “Hurray” inside, outside, and underneath. She is an expert bra fitter with over a decade of experience of getting intimate with people from cup sizes A to N since 2005. Years in the fitting room illuminated the stories people had about their bodies, their self-worth, and their dreams which helped her become a coach and tune in quickly to what will serve her clients best. Now her newest offering, The Hurray House Method, supports people to do the daily inner housekeeping and self-care necessary to show up big in the world.
Formerly based in NYC, she is now in rural Oklahoma and travels around the world to spread her empowering message of self-love, and how to use the everyday ritual of putting on a bra to uncover your confidence, stand in your power, and learn to love yourself. You may have seen her in one of over 100 press outlets, including more than 5 times on The Rachael Ray Show, plus the Martha Stewart Show, The Today Show, and more. Or perhaps you caught her teaching bra fitting workshops at the largest lingerie expo in the world in Paris.
Links and resources:
Virtual bra coaching and bra related guides: https://hurraykimmay.com/bra-fittings/
Resources, blog posts and coaching packages: https://hurraykimmay.com/resources-inside/
Instagram: @hurraykimmay
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/173-self-love-secrets-from-a-bra-fitter-with-kimmay-caldwellMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 19 Apr 2021 - 46min - 552 - 172: Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse – Dr. Stephen Braveman
To bring awareness and break the myth around male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, Dr. Stephen Braveman joins me today. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an early pioneer in working with the population of male sexual abuse survivors as well as women and transgender people. Stephen shares his knowledge on the history of male sexual abuse, the surrounding cultural myths, the impact on the victim, how to receive help and get started on the healing journey.
History of Male Sexual Abuse Awareness and Stephen’s Role
Dr. Braveman gives us an account of the history of male sexual abuse and the progression of its awareness. It started in the 1950s and 60s when sexual abuse of men was just a myth. It progressed through the years with sexual abuse of women coming into light in the 60s and sexual abuse of children, specifically girls coming into light in the 70s and 80s. The perception of viewing them as survivors brought a huge shift in the field however, the talk of male sexual abuse remained minimal. Stephen started the first-ever group for men sexually abused as children in the 1990s. In the two years of running this rare group, Stephen realized there wasn’t much conversation going on about this subject anywhere in the world.
Dr Braveman decided to educate people on the subject by making a documentary, Boyhood Shadows- I Swore I’d Never Tell. This one film, conceptualized and spearheaded by Stephen and the men in his group, was developed while he was working at the Monterey County Rape Crisis Center, has helped thousands of sexual abuse survivors come to grips with the emotionally crippling effects of abuse they suffered at the hands of others.
Myths Around Male Sexual Victimization
Stephen talks about some of the biggest myths surrounding male sexual victimization, including the belief that men/boys cannot be abused because of society’s idea that “men are tough”. In the case of abuse, they are told to “man up” and take it, which is damaging because the impact of abuse lives on. The second myth is that if a boy is molested by a man, the boy must be gay or causes them to become gay. This leads to boys questioning their sexuality for the wrong reasons. The third myth is that if a man molests a boy, the man must be gay. Stephen debunks this idea by giving an example of the Semen Warriors of New Guinea.
Another prominent myth that exists is that men cannot be abused by females. People don’t consider other forms of abuse that cannot be inflicted without an erection, such as fondling, blowjob, or encouraging them to touch inappropriately. Stephen points out that it’s often not believed because of the idea that men overpower women. This is a false idea, as most of the molesters are someone close, and they molest in a loving manner that obstructs a victim from overpowering them. Stephens discusses briefly the myth of abuse by teachers. This is particularly difficult to clarify because it’s often romanticized. This type of abuse leads to expressing symptoms like the belief that these sexual practices that are illegal and morally wrong don’t apply to them, that they’re an exception to the rules.
Stephen talks about Vampire’s syndrome as another myth that people believe – that people who were abused as children grow up to abuse others just like how people who are bitten, in turn, bite others like Dracula.
Pedophile vs Child Molester
While talking about a child molester being gay as a myth, Stephen gives the difference between a child molester and a pedophile. A pedophile views children solely as their sexual orientation and hence most of them have a preference between male and female children. Child molesters are most commonly someone close to the child – their mother, father, a teacher, priest, or a coach. They are sexually attracted to children and the power they could display over them.
Symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Stephen describes common symptoms of the impact of sexual abuse that men carry with them and techniques that are used in helping them through it. Some of the symptoms of carrying the impact of sexual abuse are similar in men, women, and transgender people.
Dissociation from their body, reality, and relationships
Sexually shutting down with their primary partner but acting out sexually in other ways.
Split behaviors
Difficulty trusting men.
Techniques to heal
To reestablish survivor’s trust in men and to walk through their lost childhood, Stephen teaches them “play”. He safely uses “touch” by having them hold hands facing each other, shaking hands for a prolonged time while doing breathing exercises. The goal is to teach them safer ways of talking and being around men and practicing safer touch like a handshake. Another method is to release their anger by trashing something in a safe and controlled environment. Some men also confront their perpetrator in person in real life, or write a letter and burn it or leave it in the ocean. Some men confront the abuse itself by participating in events for survivors, by teaching a song about self-protection to their kids, by participating in a study or a documentary about sexual abuse, or by sharing their story in a group.
The Victim In a relationship dynamic
In a couple dynamic, Stephen starts with individual therapy for the survivor, and then they join the men’s group when they’re ready. Stephen runs a weekend workshop, Outgrowing the Pain Together. for sexual abuse survivors and their partners. It gives couples a space to meet other couples dealing with similar issues and share their experiences. He also offers another workshop, Sacred Tantra Intimacy, which involves the use of ancient traditions of tantra and working with chakra, breathing and eye contact, and energy. It is safety-focused and involves asking and getting permission before any action of touching. To bring change in their sexual life and relationship, Stephen says it’s crucial to break sexual maps- both a couple’s sexual patterns and men’s masturbation patterns. He emphasizes the need to have a full-body experience by using a few techniques.
Biography
A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Diplomat and Supervisor of Sex Therapy, Gender and Sexual Abuse Specialist, Sacred Sexuality/Tantra Educator, and an LGBT and KINK Specialist, Stephen’s work speaks for itself.
Stephen’s book, “CPR for Your Sex Life, How to Breathe Life into a Dead, Dying or Dull Sex Life,” co-authored by Mildred Brown, PhD, continues to fascinate and enthrall readers everywhere. Stephen has also appeared in numerous national publications, television shows, and documentaries.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.isgcmonterey.net/ Workshops: http://www.isgcmonterey.net/services/#
Webinar on Child Sexual Abuse in Men by ISSM:
https://professionals.issm.info/events/issm-webinar-on-child-sexual-abuse-in-men-trauma-and-sexualit/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/172-male-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-dr-stephen-bravemanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 12 Apr 2021 - 49min - 551 - 171: God Wants Us to Have Pleasure – Rachel Alba
Our topic today is about getting closer to God through pleasure. I’m talking to Rachel Alba, who is a sex coach for people raised in Christian traditions that are struggling with shame or negativity around sex, and are at a point in their lives where they’re willing to take that on and try to transform that into something positive.
She shares her personal story of her journey around this, and a lot about the idea of faith development. And opening up to new ideas about sex and then how to explore that and reduce the kind of shame response that people can have.
Rachel works as a sex coach specifically for people who are coming from Christian backgrounds. And she got into that specifically because she was raised Roman Catholic and was led to believe sex is a space for us to really come back to the Garden of Eden and very much experience union with each other, union with the divine, even a fuller union with ourselves at the same time. And that’s a really positive viewpoint that Rachel was exposed to in her particular parish, this sense that sex is really good and pleasure is really good. And we can experience God’s grace through those things.
Sex, Pleasure, Shame, and Christianity
Our discussion dives deep into the history of attitudes surrounding sex, pleasure and shame within Christianity. And how so many people come from a place of spirituality. One of the first things Rachel does, is to remind people is that shame is actually a positive thing, which can sound a bit crazy.
But she points out that our initial shame response is actually meant to protect us. So, it’s positive in the sense where it was meant to protect us. And a lot of times what happens is we just didn’t ever actually like grow out of that shame response that we had around sexuality.
God created your body for pleasure.
Rachel says that God didn’t give us nerve endings simply because we need them to be able to like, feel textures on trees. She believes God gave us pleasure and the ability to experience pleasure, because God wants us to experience pleasure.
About Rachel
Rachel is a certified Clinical Sexologist and holds a Masters of Arts in Theology and Ministry from Boston College. She comes to Clinical Sexology (sex coaching) with a decade of experience as a massage therapist and extensive knowledge of anatomy and physiology. Her work combines: developmental spirituality, sexology & anatomy, sex-positive theology, and mindful sensuality to help clients from Christian backgrounds let go of any lingering sexual shame, experience more pleasure, grow in their communication and sexual skills, all while deepening their spirituality. Other things I love are: sangria, playing piano and singing, and the 1970’s film version of Jesus Christ Superstar.
Links and Resources:
Instagram – @rachel.alba.coaching
Website – https://www.sexwithspirit.com
[Where you can find a Free Three Keys to Releasing Sexual Shame mini–class]
Sex-Positive Christian Feminists Podcast with Rachel Alba & Lurie Kimmerle – https://podcasts.apple.com/si/podcast/sex-positive-christian-feminists/id1549622305
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/171-god-wants-us-to-have-pleasure-rachel-albaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 05 Apr 2021 - 37min - 550 - 170: Orgasmic Expansion – Serena Haines
Serena Haines joins me on this episode to talk about orgasmic expansion – a hybrid technique developed by fusing techniques she used working as a Somatic Sex Educator and Sexological Body Worker. The goal of orgasmic expansion is to maximize pleasure and experience. It aligns perfectly with the Intimacy With Ease method when couples reach the point of having an enjoyable sex-life but wanting to expand their pleasure.
Definition – Orgasmic Expansion
Orgasmic expansion is a fusion of slow sex techniques, breathing, orgasmic potential, and neo tantric exercises melded into one. Serena states that, unlike what people may assume, it’s a practical and tangible approach to expand one’s potential for pleasure in a safe and connected relationship.
Phase 1
It starts by guiding her clients to practice a few intimacy and neo tantric exercises. These exercises involve eye gazing, touching, sitting back to back, and breathing deeply which allows a deeper connection to form between the couples.
Phase 2 & 3 – Intimate bodywork
Then the couples do guide intimate bodywork on each other which involves erotic massage that isn’t necessarily therapeutic or sexual. The massage is for them to relax and receive pleasure sensations from giving and receiving touch. While the partner receiving the touch focuses on breathwork, the other partner focuses on the sensation of the touch.
Genital Mapping and Genital Massage
Then they move down to genital mapping, genital massage, and end with pleasure. Genital mapping is where the partner who is receiving the touch is focused on their feelings, sensations, and erotic responses of their body, disregarding the expectation to reciprocate afterward. The giver is guided into exploring their partner’s body and focused on the sensation, feeling of the partner’s different parts of the body, even the color and visual of the vulva. While the receiver enjoys pleasure, the giver enjoys the erotic visual which is extremely important.
Physiological Changes and Responses
The next step after making sure they both feel the pleasure is to guide the partner to notice and observe the physiological changes and responses in their partner’s body. Serena gives an example of looking at how the labia swells and changes colors and the time it takes. Serena points out that for most partner’s it’s uncomfortable to let these changes happen with their partner observing. However, this process allows the other partner to explain and talk through
the changes they’re observing. This encourages the receiver to express what feels good and tell the partner to do that. The goal of genital mapping is for the partner to understand the physiological responses happening in their partner’s body and for the other partner to relax and let the time be taken for the energy to flow through their body.
Serena then guides the process to go up to the clitoris and apply slow sex techniques like orgasmic meditation. Orgasmic meditation is working with the clitoris to map out the pleasure points. The partner goes through these points like clockwork while receiving and giving feedback until they find the most sensitive spot. Serena explains the process to be followed to reach an orgasmic point. She guides the partner to let the orgasmic potential move through the breath and expand the heat generated in the genitals through her body instead of quick orgasm. Serena says. It’s about prolonging and expanding the pleasure potential.
Giving and Receiving Feedback
The partners are guided to speak up about their experiences throughout the session. They are encouraged to give and receive feedback and it’s prompted by Serena’s questions such as, “How does it feel, how does it look?”. It allows the conversation to flow that creates a medium where they feel comfortable to tell each other if something feels good, if it feels enjoyable, which is rare when the couple is alone.
Orgasm
In case the partner orgasm soon into the process, the partner can either relax and take it up in another session or they can keep going. Serena emphasizes the whole idea of this process is not to bring them back into orgasm but to guide them to hold onto the potential as long as they can.
For Men
For men, the stroke technique while playing with the shaft and coronal ridge is much slower than a regular handjob. It’s common for penises to lose erection if the buildup isn’t the same after a certain point. Contrary to what many people may think of it as something wrong, it allows finding the pleasure potential in a soft penis. So, Serena guides them to keep going if that’s what they decide.
How is it Different or Similar to Sensate Focus?
The orgasmic expansion focuses on a slow addition of the sexual touch to expand pleasure potential in an already satisfying sex life. Sensate focus is different in the sense, it is focused on getting them to a place of a satisfied sex-life after overcoming the challenges.
Orgasm is Not the Point of Sex
While the term “Orgasmic expansion” might lead you to believe that it’s all about orgasm, it’s really about expanding your pleasure potential and physiological responses of your body. Serena urges to explore the pleasure that lies before the point of an orgasm which isn’t even necessary to reach. With her client, by taking orgasm off the table, they remain stress-free of an expectation or a disappointment to reach an orgasm which isn’t the point. The duration of this course is meant to feel the sensations of your partner’s touch, feel, and pleasure. Orgasm may or may not necessarily happen at the end. In real life, it’ll help you when you don’t feel the pressure of an orgasm when you’re having that moment with your partner and you will enjoy the pleasure potential moving across your entire body.
Challenges in this Process
One of the challenges people face in this process is having to digest the idea of having a third person there. It could be stressful that leads a lot of people to back out which is completely fine to back out and try again next time. Also, it’s hard for the receiver to just breathe and not do anything else. Similar to how the giver is focused on being anxious about their performance. Serena says it’s hard for people to be in the present but practicing it at home without the pressure of having a third person there can help.
Misconceptions and Fears
Some of the fears people have are for the process to be too sexual or that the third person participating in the touch. Serena points it out as not true, she has a conversation prior with the client to set boundaries of how closer or far they want her to stand. Also, before any physical touch, expectation, and consent of what exercises they are going to do are already set and there’s no going backward. It can be revisited in the conversation before the next session.
Biography
Serena Haines, a Somatic Sex Educator Sex Coach in North Atlantic, Canada helps people navigate sexual challenges and expand intimacy as an individual or as partners. She studied Clinical Sexology and became a Certified Sex Coach. She made a fusion of all techniques learned over the time of her being a sex educator to create “Orgasmic Expansion”. She also helps couples who are not challenged sexually but want to learn and experience intimacy and new things.
Resources and links
Website: https://www.serenahaines.com/
Workshops: https://www.serenahaines.com/#offerings
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/serena_haines/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/170-orgasmic-expansion-serena-hainesMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 29 Mar 2021 - 36min - 549 - 169: Out of Control Sexual Behavior in Women – Jessica Levith
Today’s guest Jessica Levith, is a Licensed marriage therapist from California and is here to talk about the “Out of Control Sexual Behavior Model” which is a view of compulsive, out-of-control sexual behavior. A treatment model is developed around this, and Jessica extends it to cisgendered women with challenging and problematic sexual behaviors. She provides treatment for people who think they exhibit out-of-control behavior. The episode also discusses sexual health and its influence on our sexuality.
Define – Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB)
Jessica defines Out Control Sexual Behavior as the client’s perception of their sexual behaviors, feelings, and urges being out of their control. What makes OCSB different from the Sex Addiction Model is that OCSB is a sexual health-focused treatment where people establish their vision of sexual health without giving up a part of their sexuality. Jessica mentions a history of conflation of non-consensual sexual behaviors in the OCSB model. She debunks a theory in the Sex Addiction Model that it is believed that when a person’s sex addiction goes untreated they fall more towards non-consensual behaviors. However, in OCSB when a patient presents a sign of non-consensual sexual behaviors, they have to be ruled out as they’re more suitable for specialized treatment from a therapist whose practice deals with non-consensual behaviors.
In OCSB model treatment, they are on the lookout for patients with a genuine interest in changing how they view their sexuality. This treatment is not for those who may be simply motivated to escape the shame of exposure to their family or partner by labeling their behavior as a disease. This aligns with the perception in the OCSB model where sexual addiction is viewed as a behavioral problem that can be regulated in all parts of life. In contrast to that, the Sex Addiction Model views sexual addiction as a disease that allows the patient to step back from their responsibilities of change.
How to broaden what people see as out-of-control sexual behavior.
To broaden the view of what one would consider being an out-of-control sexual behavior, they have to process the cause behind their belief. To explain where some of these beliefs originate from, Jessica explains how women have been socially imprinted through history on how we should look, feel and act. She gives a historical context of parallels of women’s behavior being dictated in religion, art, and even science and the instance where the change started. Through Doug’s book and his model, Jessica points out the concept being based on Human Behavioral Theory which prompts for change and adaptability especially in women.
Steps in the clinical journey of OCSB model treatment?
Initial screening is the first step in the process of OCSB Model treatment where clients are screened to rule out non-consensual sex, for internal motivation, presence of any acute issue that could disrupt the treatment like being a physical threat to self or others, substance use, and abuse, mental health issues or physical health issues. In the next step, an assessment is done with a series of courses such as Adverse Child Experience (ACE), Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS), Sexual Inhibition Scale (SIS), Sexual Excitation Scale (SES), and semi-structured assessment. During the process, the therapist learns a lot about the client as a person. In the end, the therapist helps the client to use sexual health terms instead of pathology terms, which means, they stop viewing it as a disease. Then the therapist and the client together make a sexual health plan by using this information.
Sexual health in OCSB is upheld by six principles – consensual sexual activity, non-exploitative, honesty, shared values, protection from STIs and STDs and unwanted pregnancies, mutual pleasure, and solo pleasure. When you live within these six principles, with the help of your therapist you can come up with a sexual health plan. The sexual health plan has 3 columns. The first column is boundaries which are the behaviors when crossed resemble in breaking your agreements. The middle column is ambivalence and high-risk behaviors. It means being honest and recognizing the competing motivations within yourself. The last column is sexual health is “the ideals, goals, and aspirations for how you want to be sexually and in life”.
What drove you to apply this specifically to women?
After being on the side of the medical models and then reading Doug’s book, Jessica noticed how everything was geared towards cis-gendered white men. However later she realized that most of the work in Doug’s book can be translated for clinical work with women. To gain a deeper understanding, Jessica dived into the historical and current context of the source of “implicit and explicit expectations and messages projected onto women and internalized by them”.
She discovered three ways of how women were impacted by socio-cultural value systems. First, through historic and systemic power over women’s rights and the means to control birth by pregnancy prevention and termination, through the Comstock act, making women’s access to birth control is dependent upon where she lives, her access to health insurance, her socio-economic standing, and financial status. Secondly, controlling women’s view of sexual functioning, appearance, and pleasure, and thirdly, sexual and social value.
Intersectionality is discussed in context with the power of sexual and social values. It’s how we identify in the world in terms of class, race, age, gender, sexual orientation, and more influence our social and sexual standing and values. Jessica adopted it because of its influence on women’s sexual self-concept which influences their attachment.
How does it show up clinically?
Understanding the historical context of the impact on women’s perception of sexuality, pleasure, and appearance helps the process of the treatment in understanding their perception of sexual health and what they perceive as out of control sexual behaviors. Jessica gives an example of a client who comes in with what she thinks is a problem of “porn addiction”. In these situations, to understand if this is a problem for the client or whether it’s stemming from a partner, Jessica asks questions to find out. These ideas of out-of-control sexual behaviors in women are internalized because women are not taught to be sexual in their vision. It is highly influenced by the media especially in children. Jessica also points out a flip side of the internet where feminist and ethical porn is being debated, where people of disability, people of all sizes and cultures are being represented accurately. This is what brings a shift in the internalization in women.
Integration of said historical markers into the assessment
OCSB focuses on three clinical areas of self-regulation, attachment regulation, and sexual neurotic conflict which are impacted by the historical markings researched by Jessica. With this knowledge, Jessica says, you can help bring awareness to slow it down.
Parting message
Jessica leaves us with a parting message to avoid making assumptions of someone’s desires and to be in the moment with your partner or with yourself to connect and understand who you are at the core.
Biography
Jessica Levith, an Oakland CA Certified Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, LMFT specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behavior, Infidelity, Unhealthy Attachments, Sexual Health support, Emotional Dependency, early attachment trauma, and recovery from trauma.
She has a Sex Therapy Certificate from the California Institute of Integral Studies, training in Out of Control Sexual Behaviors from both The Society For The Advancement Of Sexual Health and The Harvey Institute, and specialized training in supporting partners of those with Out of Control Sexual Behaviors.
Resources and links:
Website: https://jessicalevith.com/
Jessica’s research article: Translating the Out of Control Sexual Behavior Treatment Model for Work with Cisgender Women
Doug’s book: https://www.theharveyinstitute.com/publications/books
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/169-out-of-control-sexual-behavior-in-women-jessica-levithMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 22 Mar 2021 - 40min - 548 - 168: Moving Past Shame – Tilly Storm
Today’s conversation surrounds sexual shame and negativity and how that leads to a loss of desire and pleasure in sex. Tilly Storm, a sexual coach, helps such women whose desire has been lost due to the burden of shame and negativity around pleasure. She is here today to share her knowledge on how to reclaim your sexuality, get familiar with your own body, and experience pleasure like never before.
How did you get started?
Tilly grew up in the suburbs of Louisiana in a conservative, religious environment with shame around her body and sexuality was hanging over her. It lasted until she gave birth at the age of 23 when she realized everything she was taught about her body, sex and pleasure was utter nonsense. She then set out to help other women rediscover their sexuality that was lost after giving birth. Some courses she offers are sexual relationship coaching, ancient tantric wisdom, and Taoist practices. Tilly started her journey as a sex coach by first working on reclaiming her sexuality and body and by losing the shame and guilt she was taught.
Where does sex-negativity stem from?
Sex negativity can show up in both men and women. Tilly says a lot of her clients relate to her story of developing shame around sexuality while growing up in a conservative and religious environment. She says being ridden with guilt and shame registers as trauma to which people give out a hypo-response or a hyper-response. While women respond by shutting down and losing the desire to have sex, men respond by developing an addiction to sex and porn.
Tilly says sex-negativity can also stem out of the fear of STDs, STIs, and unwanted pregnancy. Our culture also conditions us to feel shameful and guilty of becoming pregnant young or contracting an STD or even for harboring controversial desires and eroticism. What people find desirable and erotic are so limited normalized that everything that sounds too foreign than usual is associated with shame.
What opened up your beliefs?
Tilly’s time of giving birth brought her closer to understanding her body’s potential and capability. She said it started with realizing that there was nothing inherently wrong with her body. After going through a stage of body image distortion, she found the right mind to look at her herself. Jade egg practice helped lift her shame and guilt around sexuality and pleasure. It’s a practice where you take an egg-shaped stone made out of jade and use it internally to do squeezes, releases, and breath work practices. Tilly says, “It’s yoga for your vagina”. It helps you to connect with your body and what’s down there.
Is there a timeline to be rid of sexual shame?
She points out that it takes time to get rid of all that shame and to “undo the narratives you were taught”. It also takes time to process that and get it out of your body. Sexual problems cannot be fixed just through talking because, as Tilly says, sexual problems don’t just stem from thinking. They’re deeply rooted and if you want to do things differently, along with insight you have to experience things differently by working on your body.
How to get out of your head & away from sex-negative thoughts?
Tilly starts by helping her clients with transformational breath work, where she uses the gentle trauma release method to release tension and trauma from their bodies. She guides them to feel unstuck and to open up. The next step is to “rewrite your sexual narrative”. She makes her clients write down scenarios of what would happen if they grew up in a sex-positive environment. They write it down, record it and listen to it for 10 days straight. While she acknowledges it’s a challenging process, she offers a solution to entangle it piece by piece.
She talks about inner child dynamics where it’s vital to work on trauma encountered by your inner child. She warns that the inner child when left unaddressed surfaces as a triggered response to your partner in your relationship. She also shares about mother-father dynamics and presses the importance of questioning how their beliefs you adopted are affecting your sexuality.
How to expand your pleasure?
The first step to expand your pleasure is to get out of your head and Tilly suggests Jade egg practice to slow down your thoughts and connect with your pleasure points. She says there are more pleasure points in your pelvic floor than what we know, and we can explore them by taking our time every day by touching ourselves, through Jade egg, breath work, and self-guided self-pleasure practices. That’s how you get in the habit of making the transition and being connected with your body.
What’s an indication that you reached your goals?
Tilly’s clients reach their vaginal goals in 6 or under 6 months. They start out having little breakthroughs in week 6 or 7. They reach a place of empowerment by letting go of shame and guilt around weeks 8 to 10. Tilly points out that there’s always a new level of pleasure to be achieved and we truly don’t realize the pleasure capacity of our bodies. She also offers communication and connection practices for couples and partners to rebuild their intimacy.
Biography:
Tilly Storm is a holistic sex, love & relationship coach for women who want to reconnect with their bodies to feel desire and pleasure. She is also the producer of The Multiorgasmic Mama Podcast.
She is a certified coach, Tantra, jade egg, and sexuality teacher, who uses deep transformational tools and techniques based in modern coaching modalities, and ancient tantric wisdom and Taoist practices to help women reconnect with their sensuality after becoming mothers, rebuild their intimacy with their partners and achieve ultimate pleasure!
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.tillystorm.com/
Podcast: https://www.themultiorgasmicmama.com/podcast
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/laceybroussardrocks
Instagram: https://instagram.com/tilly.storm
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinarMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 16 Mar 2021 - 30min - 547 - 167: Awakened Intimacy – Maci Daye
Maci Daye joins us today to talk about awakened intimacy and share some of the practices she uses with couples. This episode discusses awakened intimacy in the context of mindfulness, being present and attentive during sex. There’s talk of effective practices on how to use what happens to increase passion and grow in the face of challenges.
What is Awakened Intimacy?
Maci defines awakened intimacy as a willingness to expand your idea of sex to include aspects you haven’t tried before – pleasure, joy and even a little bit of suffering. We’re used to the assumption that sex is pleasurable, and it becomes easy to have that assumption. So when people have confusing and triggering experiences, as Maci says, it gives a window of an opportunity to learn from what happened to heal and grow. This is what awakened intimacy is – a transformational path.
Awakened intimacy for everyone
Awakened intimacy is not just for couples who want to overcome challenges in their relationship, but it’s also for people who want to love themselves better. Maci states awakened intimacy is useful because you want to be more compassionate, loving and wise. And sex is an integral part of it.
Sex & intimacy are a part of your healing process
You don’t have to put off resolving issues of your sex-life on hold while resolving issues of other parts of life. Maci says all of these are interlinked and sex is an integral part of it. You bring yourself into every experience in your life, and sex is an experience through which you connect the most with your partner. So, if you don’t include sex, no matter how much resolve and connect with your partner, it won’t transfer into your sex life and intimacy.
How does awakened intimacy differ from mindful sex?
Maci defines mindfulness as a tool to be used in the process of awakening. She defines it as a practice to modify your sexual process by including a “quality of attention that is present, curious and exploratory”. She also points out that other than opening you up to an awakening journey, mindfulness also improves your sexual functioning and genital health. Mindfulness also brings out the pleasure of passionate and attentive sex in couples who’ve been together for a long time. She suggests couples connect with their conscience to explore and discover new things while they’re making love. We’re wired to repeat patterns in life and in the bedroom which go unnoticed. With mindfulness, we can recognize these patterns in the bedroom and make changes to break the pattern. Maci calls it “updating your sexual operating system”.
Practices for couples facing a challenge in the bedroom
For couples who reach an impasse in the bedroom, should research their experiences during sex to examine and repair the wounds. Maci shares a three-step process she does with couples where they stop and share their experience instead of getting stuck in a repeat loop of avoidance. It allows couples to pause when they identify a trigger signal and research into the experience to recognize patterns and habits. ”The only place to heal a past wound is in the present, we can only heal wounds that are visible”, says Maci. While it’s difficult to describe these patterns to your partner, when met with support, you can move onto the next step of adjustment.
The next step is to make an adjustment by sharing your experience with your partner and together figuring out a solution to make changes. Maci also suggests rapid-fire interrogation attached with receptive curiosity and mindfully check in to make adjustments for a better outcome. Going a bit further Maci also suggests “co-designing” that went wrong in the past, with the added adjustments and mindfulness.
Advice for people unaware of their own experiences
Often people are not in tune with their experiences and power through their sex-life without checking in. For those couples, Maci shares an exercise where couples set a timer to pause and evaluate what’s happening in their experiences – their emotions, sensations and even thoughts. This allows a person to share what’s happening with their experience without directing the blame onto their partner. It allows a couple to really dwell on the moment and explore.
How to invite the unchallenged partner into the process?
In this process, it’s quick to shift all the attention into resolving the issues surrounding the person with the triggered experience. In that case, the other partner without a challenging experience could feel unheard. It’s important to note their experience in reaction to their partner’s experience. The unchallenged partner should also identify and share their needs and limits. It once again comes back to couples studying and adjusting by sharing their experiences. When couples recognize each other’s needs and emotions and start working towards them, that’s when they have a satisfying sex-life.
What is the EROS cycle in erotic attunement?
Couples who want to break out of having a routine or informed sex without any inside-out authentic pleasure can attain erotic attunement by following the EROS cycle. Maci describes Erotic attunement as the idea of being in the moment and in tune with your own body and your partner’s where you feel foreign impulses and you feel free to follow the to have unscripted sex. EROS cycle helps us achieve that. E stands for embody and attune, R stands for relating and relaxing our goals, O stands for opening to impulses and new directions and S stands for savoring pleasure. Maci also brings our attention to the struggles we may face in this challenging cycle such as, not connecting with your body, having a hard time trusting impulses, feeling safe to express those impulses or responding openly and even relating.
EROS cycle in attunement is part of what couples could do as they keep encountering difficulties. Maci urges couples to have an attuned embodied experience as they go through challenges.
Bio:
Maci Daye is the Creator of Passion & Presence, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Hakomi Therapist, and Certified Sex Therapist with over 25 years experience in social service, higher education and private practice. She holds graduate degrees from Harvard and Georgia State Universities and has completed the intermediate level Somatic Experiencing trauma training.
She operates LifeWorks Counseling & Seminars, Inc. in Atlanta, GA and co-runs Hakomi of Mallorca (in Spain) with her partner Halko Weiss. In addition to clinical practice, Maci is on the faculty of the Hakomi Institute and teaches in the southeastern United States and Europe. Maci has led sexuality retreats and training courses for helping professionals in the USA, Europe, Australia, New Zealand and Mexico and has presented at several conferences in Europe and the USA.
Resources and links:
Website: https://www.passionandpresence.com/
Retreat: https://www.passionandpresence.com/mindful-sexuality-retreats-for-couples/
Book: https://www.passionandpresence.com/book-passion-presense/
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/167-awakened-intimacy-maci-dayeMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 08 Mar 2021 - 42min - 546 - 166: Communicating Sexual Desires and Boundaries – Yael Rosenstock Gonzalez
Communicating desires and boundaries
In this episode, Yael Rosenstock Gonzalez talks all about how to understand and communicate your own desires and boundaries to your partner. Today’s topic of discussion lines up with the four pillars of Intimacy with Ease Method to help you have the best sex of your life! We hear talks of red flags, tips on how to work with your partner around these aspects, and most importantly, real life applications.
Is it One conversation?
Communicating desires and boundaries are put together in a conversation because when people are engaged in making sure everyone is having the best time possible, criminalised behavior is unlikely. While sharing her views, Yael points out the stigma around the conversation of consent and sexual assault.
Why is communication so important?
It’s important to understand our method of communication. Yael tells people to reflect on how they communicate their sexual or non-sexual needs. While communication could mostly be verbal, it’s important to recognize the meaning of the cues you give off and to make sure people in your life are aware of it. It avoids unclear messages and conflict.
Reasons why people struggle communicating about sex
Yael says there are several reason why someone struggles communicating about sex. It could be revealed when you ask yourself questions of who and why. Your anxiousness could be the result of a sex taboo, shame around your own pleasure, or the expectation of knowing what’s wrong in your sexual relationship without any proper communication with your partner. For some people with insecurity, Yael advices to make communication sexy by asking what you want and by validating your partner during sex. And for someone with shame around pleasure, you should question the series of incidents like getting caught that resulted in it. You become confident in communicating about sex by undoing these patterns.
Myths around sexual communication
Yael breaks down some of the myths around sexual communication. People overemphasize penetration during sex. People believe sex is enjoyable only with penetration and they neglect oral sex. For a lot of people arousal happens before the penetration and it’s important to be in tune with your own arousal to effectively communicate it with your partner. Yael also breaks down myths around sexual chemistry. People assume their partner would just know what they want because of the sexual chemistry they both have. While it could be true for some people, Yael says it’s mostly communication and putting in the work that’s important. Communicating your desires doesn’t mean there’s no chemistry. Yael also talks about instances where people mistake their lack of sexual chemistry or interest as being asexual when in reality, it could mean either that they are asexual or that they didn’t find the right partner or gender. It’s important to be aware of your own sexual desires to be able to communicate effectively.
Communication about boundaries before or during sex?
Yael advices people who experienced sexual violence or trauma to be aware of some of the things that act as triggers, keeping in mind that triggers may change. In those instances, it’s advisable to talk about your boundaries with your partner before sex to avoid activating these triggers. She also urges people to communicate their needs and tell them how their partner can help them create a safe space. You can also have a conversation before sex about things you want to try or things you might want to try and things that you don’t want to try.
How does respecting these boundaries look like?
When you have a trigger or feel uncomfortable doing something, your partner should be supportive in accepting you. They should be patient to wait and listen when you’re ready to talk about it and not put blame on you. This is how respecting boundaries looks like Yael’s view.
Reasons why people don’t respond well to boundaries
Yael believes some people don’t respond well in these situations because of either being caught off guard or because of their surfacing insecurity and doubts. There are also instances where people take it as a “challenge to teach you,” thinking it will help you overcome what makes you uncomfortable. While Yael says shifts may occur, it’s likely to occur in a supportive environment rather than to occur by force. Yael also brings up an interesting reason where people are unsupportive because they’re missing out on something they enjoy. Yael gives a solution for this that she says could come as unpopular among people is to seek those things outside the relationship after having a clear conversation and make an ethical and consensual decision.
Sometimes a partner could feel like an abuser when in these situations. And a lot of times people let their partner do things they’re uncomfortable with to avoid making them feel like a violator. In this situation, it’s best to take a break before deciding whether or not to have a conversation.
What to do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?
Yael shares some of the red flags to recognize when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries like putting the blame on you, pushing you and shaming you. When your boundaries are not respected, it’s time to walk away. Yael asks people to re-evaluate the value of that person in your life and re-evaluate the reasons you’re keeping them around. She points out the reality of how we’re not taught to make boundaries or talk about how a healthy relationship looks like. It’s one of the reasons why many people don’t recognize a non-physical unhealthy relationship.
Finally, Yael leaves us with a thought provoking fact that boundaries are not always meant to be physical. Boundaries can also be made for time, space and the emotional energy you spend. She says boundaries can be set to things like letting people share their emotions to setting a time and place to send and receive nudes.
Resources and Links:
Website: https://sexpositiveyou.com/
Website: https://www.yaelrosenstock.com/
Book – An Intro-Guide to a Sex Positive You: Lessons, Tales, and Tips
https://sexpositiveyou.com/#book
Courses: https://sexpositiveyou.com/#workwithme
Instagram: @yaelthesexgeek
Facebook: @YaeltheSexGeek
Twitter: @yaelthesexgeek
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/166-communicating-sexual-desires-and-boundaries-yael-rosenstock-gonzalezMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 01 Mar 2021 - 30min - 545 - 165: Stepping Into Your Feminine Wild – Natalie Frasca Surmeli
Natalie Frasca Surmeli is here today to talk about stepping into your feminine wild and what it means. This episode talks of awakening feminine desire and pleasure by slowing down and getting familiar with your own body. Natalie shares her insight of pleasure practices, practicing a new way of being and why it matters.
Natalie’s Story – what did she unlock?
Natalie shares the story of her journey that brought her into this path of discovery. Being a mom of 3 at a brink of divorce, overwhelmed and falling into depression, she sought out her therapist’s advice to slow down. The scientist in her rattled between the ideas of the universe guiding her and a lack of proof. When she gave in to the idea she realized that her presence, her actions and what she puts out into the world matters.
She came to a realization that doing more and working harder is not the answer to a fulfilled life. Natalie works with women in teaching pleasure practices to help them slow down and reconnect with their desires, which ultimately leads to a better sex life and intimacy.
Reconnecting with your body – Gender difference
When it comes to exploring self it doesn’t matter where on the gender spectrum you are or who your partner is. Natalie gives yoga, meditation and movement practices as examples to get in touch with your desires. It’s important to be intimate with your body and self before sharing it with your partner.
Advice that drove her away from divorce
Natalie points out advice from her father and later from therapy that drove her away from divorce. To obtain different results you have to start doing things differently. She says it’s a commitment, a process that takes time. It’s intentional work put forth by both partners to grow together. Natalie also talks about introspection. She points out that it’s your partner’s greatest pleasure to please. It’s less of a responsibility and more of a desire and a learning curve to discover what you like.
Pleasure Practices
Natalie gives out a few please practices to implement in getting to know yourself. To explore your body in a sensual way, to discover new areas of your body, she suggests self-oil massage, dance practice with closed eyes and mirror staring in the morning. There’s a number of things we are not taught about our own body and pleasure and it’s time that we explore it. Desire can be accessed in all moments of our life. Awareness practices in which we think about things that make us feel good. Natalie describes these things as the most simple and mundane activities we perform just for the sake of our pleasure. She suggests writing down 3 big to-do things for the day and something else that gives you pleasure. For Natalie, it’s taking a walk in the woods. Make a conscious effort to recognize the simple pleasures of your day and gradually transfer it to sexuality.
What ifs
Women who want to make a change, Natalie says, they’ve to make a choice. A choice to take out time from their busy life, reach out and make a commitment. For all the time spent in taking care of everyone around, it’s time to regain that energy for yourself.
Benefits of non-sexual pleasure
Natalie emphasizes non-sexual pleasure with self and a partner. Natalie calls to embrace the human being’s desire to be seen and to surrender. The greatest intimacy with a partner or with yourself can be built by exploring your bodies.
Feminine and Masculine energy
Natalie describes feminine energy as desire, surrender, flow and creation. Feminine energy calls to slow down while masculine energy strives to move forward and achieve. A balance is needed to be formed between the two for an individual to embrace it to the fullest. It’s the same for all genders.
How to have a conversation about sexuality with kids?
Natalie offers her insight on how to have conversations with kids about sexuality by giving an example of her daughters. She starts by talking about masturbation. She says it’s their duty to get to know their bodies and to explore their own pleasure before exploring it with a partner. She reflects on her own childhood when these conversations didn’t exist in her catholic family. Unlike her upbringing when she was taught bodies to be shameful, she makes it a principle to encourage these hard conversations in her family. It goes beyond sexuality to everyday tasks. Natalie and her family prioritizes activities that excite them and family time over extra math classes. “It’s about making space to explore other interests”, as Natalie says.
Background
Natalie Frasca Surmeli is the founder of “Tribe of Wolves”, a mentor, coach, speaker and a mom of 3. She guides women to explore their feminine wild by making a “Feminine plan”. She teaches the fundamentals of Divine Feminine, Divine Masculine and Universal Energy and how to tap into these energies every day. She helps women reconnect with their self and bodies using pleasure practices.
Resources and Links:
Website: Tribe of Wolves
Facebook Group: Tribe of Wolves: Women Who Want MORE
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/165-stepping-into-your-feminine-wild-natalie-frasca-surmeliMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 22 Feb 2021 - 35min - 544 - 164: Sexual Awareness – Kristen Lilla
In this episode we see how communication can affect a person’s sexuality and intimacy and how we can work towards that with our partner.
Communication, vulnerability and how to have conversations with our partners
Kristen correlates communication with vulnerability because we often don’t talk about sex, it makes us uncomfortable. Her book starts with communication, vulnerability and normalizing the two. It’s overwhelming to read hundreds of pages of a book to be aware of a single topic. Kristen says she wanted some cut to the chase, something practical to read and to apply it in real life. So, she added exercises at the end of every chapter that includes a lot of conversation starters for couples.
There are several variables that come into play. Our upbringing has a huge impact on how we communicate in our relations. The way families communicate with each other reflects in how they communicate in their relationships. It’s about acknowledging that.
Problems with ineffective communication and what’s the answer?
Kristen describes defensiveness and avoidance as the biggest pitfalls people have with communication. We’re so engrossed in defending ourselves that we forget to listen. We also avoid difficult conversations especially about sex because it makes us uncomfortable but Kristen urges us to be uncomfortable. She emphasizes that it’s better to be uncomfortable than to avoid the conversation.
How does vulnerability play a role in communication?
Vulnerability isn’t necessarily shown in the matters of sex, even sharing our emotions could be vulnerable. Kristen explains it by sharing a heart-warming example from her personal life. When we share our emotions, and they aren’t reciprocated or validated immediately, it makes us feel exposed and thus leaving us vulnerable. But as the conversation goes, Kristen poses a question of whether it’s better to have a conversation rather than keep assuming that someone loves you. She says, “There’s validation in acknowledging it”.
What do you think prevents couples from being vulnerable?
Kristen believes fear of judgement from your partner and presuming a partner’s reaction keeps us from opening up. We rather let the problems pile up than have a conversation that leaves us with shame and guilt. But If you want to do something differently, give them the opportunity to surprise you, to say something differently even though you know what they’re going to say. Kristen talks about how important it is to “just listen” and she emphasizes that you don’t have to get judgmental or commit to something but just express gratitude for sharing and then revisit it later. It makes the partner feel safe to have an open and honest conversation with you.
Exercises for couples around these ideas:
Kristen suggests practicing “Pancake talk”. It involves processing an experience and talking about it at a later time in a neutral territory. It gives you an opportunity to not be reactive and get away from high intensity emotions. She refers to ‘four horsemen of John Gottman’ while talking about being mindful with your responses and listening without getting defensive. She suggests repeating it back just like in ‘Imago therapy’ and mirroring exercises which compels you to slow down and listen to what the other person is saying.
She also talks about risky conversations about a kink or a fetish or wanting to talk about being polyamory doesn’t have to be difficult. Your partner might understand what you’re communicating with them and acknowledge that but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re agreeing with you. Kristen explains that with an example, you can be mad at your partner about something and have consensual sex and still not forgive them. Kristen encourages people to look at their childhood and connect the dots with who they are now. It can be done by questioning how you got your sex education. She talks about unwinding the messages of religious upbringing and false information.
Other sections in the book
Apart from talking about communication and vulnerability in a couple’s sex life, the book has several other sections about fantasy, open relationships, low libido, sexual assault and trauma and how to process this and how to normalize these topics.
Resources and Links:
Kristen Lilla’s website – https://kristenlilla.com
Kristen’s Book – Boxes and How We Fill Them: A Basic Guide to Sexual Awareness
Kristen’s Book – Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book
More info:
Training video – https://jessazimmerman.mykajabi.com/video-choice
Sex Health Quiz –https://www. sexhealthquiz.com
The Course –https:// www.intimacywitheasemethod.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Background:
Kristen Lilla, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is Nebraska and Iowa’s only AASECT Certified Sex Therapist(CST) and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator(CSE) through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). She is also one of four dually Certified Sex Educator and Therapy Supervisors in the world.
Kristen is an international speaker and has spoken at conferences including the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS), National Sex Education Conference (CSE), Eyes Open Iowa Conference, Bangladesh Sex Therapy Training, and AASECT Annual Conference. Additionally, Kristen published two books in 2019; Boxes and How We Fill Them: A Basic Guide to Sexual Awareness, and Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book.
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/164-sexual-awareness-kristen-lillaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 16 Feb 2021 - 29min - 543 - 163: Joyful Monogamy – Lynne Sheridan
Lynne E Sheridan, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist after being an international transformational trainer for 27 years is here today to talk about Joyful Monogamy from her book, “The Birds and Bees of Joyful Monogamy: Nine Secrets to Hot Partnering”. She dives into the topics of monogamy as a basic nature, what leads us to choose monogamy, advantages of a monogamous relationship, and how to keep it alive over time.
Definition and what monogamy means
Lynne defines a monogamous relationship as ‘a mutual endeverance’ of a couple that stems from an urge for fathering and mothering a child and to have a partnership. A father’s need to know that the child is their own and a mother’s need to have a partner who supports them throughout, historically has driven people to choose monogamy.
Lynne talks about the romanticizing of monogamy in Hollywood. She declares that Hollywood represents a relationship to be easy and it’s merely a fantasy to think that’s how a monogamous relationship is in reality. This representation encourages couples to go unprepared with the expectation of it to be a natural process.
Monogamy as our inherent nature
While answering questions about our inherent nature of being monogamous or open, Lynne says we are intrinsically pulled both ways. Our personality, formed from several factors of our childhood experiences that draw our unconscious beliefs, leads us to make choices. As we repeatedly make the same choices, they form a pattern.
We repeat negative patterns rooted in our unconscious beliefs that we don’t recognize until we see the result. Lynne talks about how these patterns result in whether we choose or not choose monogamy by sharing a personal example. Lynn states that monogamy itself is not the problem but our relation with it is. We have to make an authentic choice that isn’t coming from an old pattern but from a clear conscience.
Gifts and struggles of Monogamy
The goal here is not to solve all the problems in a relationship, it is to communicate them. She says that it’s about sharing your troubles and healing each other’s wounds constantly. When a person is willing to work through what troubles you or them and is still there to listen to it over and over again, that is the gift that monogamy brings-to put in the effort. As Lynn puts it, “it’s about transference and counter transference”.
She talks about intimacy as being totally transparent, to be our authentic selves all the time. More than just sex, intimacy is to constantly catch yourself and acknowledge when you are being someone else. Lynn poses a question on how one can be in an intimate relationship when we don’t let ourselves be seen. It’s a continuous process where we repair and move forward and get better each time.
How to keep a thriving, passionate sex life alive
Talking about keeping your sex life alive in monogamy, Lynn quotes Esther Perel, “We have this conflicting desire with mystery and adventure and security”. She says it’s about balancing between both monogamy and wanting more adventure. It’s also passion that drives sex. To ignite that passion we have to be willing to open up to risks, adventures and keeping the mystery alive. She presses the need for sensuality without orgasm or penetration. While out of habit we look for a quick release, Lynn suggests reinventing sensuality by blindfolds, exploring each other’s bodies without an orgasm or a quick fix. She emphasizes prolonged pleasure that requires time and space and the freedom to pick a tone of the encounter. She gives a number of exciting ideas to keep the fire burning such as role-play, dress up, picking each other up at a bar and titillating.
Dating yourself
As important as it is to keep the fire burning in a monogamous relationship, it’s also of great importance to rekindle the fire within yourself. Lynn talks about “dating herself” by exploring all of her possibilities within, for as long as it takes. It’s easy to fall into a rut just like the habit of sex, but learning happens when we push ourselves to grow constantly. As Lynn states, “The work I do is outside of my comfort zone, that’s where possibility exists”. The excitement lies in areas that you haven’t explored, where growth happens.
Advice
During Covid-19, more than ever, Lynn advises the importance of self-care. She says self-care for her is not just about commonly practiced routine but it’s about surrounding yourself with people who stimulate you, it means not to overburden your partner, rich conversations, pushing to do transformational programs and pushing the boundaries of your beliefs about everything.
Resources for Lynne:
“The Birds and Bees of Joyful Monogamy: Nine Secrets to Hot Partnering”: http://www.lynneesheridan.com/index.php/birds-and-bees-of-joyful-manogamy
Lynne’s website: http://www.lynneesheridan.com/
‘Couples Thriving Practice’ – 12-week program: http://www.lynneesheridan.com/index.php/partnerships/couples-thriving-practice
Couples Intimacy Practice: http://www.lynneesheridan.com/index.php/partnerships/couples-ip
VIP Couples Customized Retreat: http://www.lynneesheridan.com/index.php/partnerships/couples-vip
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Access the Free webinar: How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated: https://intimacywithease.com/free-webinar
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/163-joyful-monogamy-lynne-sheridanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 08 Feb 2021 - 39min - 542 - 162: Perinatal Mental Health & Sex – Emma Shandy Anway
Emma explains what perinatal mental health is and includes thinking about pregnant, becoming pregnant and the intersection of this with your sex life. When sex becomes about having a baby, Emma points out that it can become difficult to connect with your partner. Redefining sex is the focus of her conversations with couples.
You’re Expecting; Now What?
Once pregnant, other issues creep up in terms of body and hormone changes that may affect your sex life. Emma suggests connecting with your partner by answering the question ‘what is sex to you?’ In the case of not falling pregnant, Emma finds that couples may disagree or resent each other on the way forward which can lead to them becoming disconnected and thus affecting their sex lives. In the case of actually having a child, being flexible is key to a successful sex life and keeping communication open, is part of that in a big way.
How to Handle Problems
Emma discusses statistics of traumatic events around pregnancy and divorce but mentions that there is also a big impact on couples sex lives. Sitting down with your partner and redefining sex so that you and your partner can consciously work on your sex life together is crucial to its survival. She also recommends joining a support group. This can normalize the experience for you and highlight that it can be overcome.
Links and Resources
http://www.esacounseling.com
https://www.postpartum.net/
Background
Emma is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#119249) in Davis, California under the supervision of Karina Parker Knight LMFT (#48111).
Emma is a sex and perinatal therapist as well as a couples and individual therapist that uses emotion-focused therapy (EFT) with influences from attachment and family system theories.
She was drawn to and became interested in sex therapy in graduate school when she had the opportunity to work under Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, and felt passionate about deepening her expertise in the field of sexual intimacy and sexual identities. After taking courses through the Northwest Institute on Intimacy (NWIOI) she is now a Certified Integrated Intimacy Professional.
She did not enter the world of perinatal mental health until she experienced my own late-term pregnancy loss which opened her up to the lack of help available to women and couples struggling with this type of trauma.
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/162-perinatal-mental-health-sex-emma-shandy-anwayMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 01 Feb 2021 - 30min - 541 - 161: Menopause – Dr. Michelle Gordon
After having gone through menopause and being surprised by the event, Michelle discusses her journey to finding out more about it and how to make it easier for other women. She shares her experience after taking the pill, then finding out that she had a mass in her uterus thus leading her to undergo an Endometrial Biopsy. Michelle was unhappy with her body and realized that other women were probably going through the same horrific experience.
Common Problems in Menopause
She discusses how disruptive menopause can be especially since we are not prepared like we are for other age milestones in our lives. From her experience, externally women report weight gain and on internal issues women struggle with their ability to make decisions and encounter an identity crisis.
Michelle notes that doctors don’t know enough to help patients and this can leave women in a worse position. She also discusses loss of libido that comes up as a very common symptom of menopause and bleeding into our relationships. Michelle explains vaginal atrophy and urethral atrophy that can come with menopause.
The Four Pillars of Thriving in Menopause
The key to understanding menopause is to understand hormones. Dr. Gordon discusses 4 pillars which include science, supporting ourselves with diet, movement and the brain.
In terms of dealing with menopause, Michelle says there is no single answer for every woman. She encourages reflection and reinvention during our menopause journeys as each one is unique.
Links and Resources
http://www.menopausemovement.com
https://www.drmichellegordon.com/
Background
Dr Gordon is a Board-Certified General Surgeon and founder of Gordon Surgical Group, a multi-specialty group practice in 2005. GSG serves the lower Hudson Valley of New York.
She is also the author of Managing Menopause which you can find on her website.
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/161-menopause-dr-michelle-gordonMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 25 Jan 2021 - 37min - 540 - 160: Sizzling Sex Across the Lifespan – Michael Castleman
Michael Castleman is a journalist that has been writing specifically about sexuality since 2005. He is also the author of Sizzling Sex across the Lifespan, covering the good bad and ugly bits about the subject. His book contains 25 actual medical studies and is based on facts.
Common Sexual Issues
Poor ejaculatory control is one of his best-selling subjects and you can find his e-book ‘ The Cure for Premature Ejaculation’ on his website. He discusses how differently men and women think about sex and provides advice for men to help improve the statistic that only 20% of women reach orgasm.
We learn that desire difference is also a main difference with couples which is not often reported. Michael talks about sexual pain and the high number of women that suffer with it even to the extent of not knowing the medical term for it and accepting it as ‘normal.’
If you are experiencing tension or stress around desire discrepancy, check out my free webinar – How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressure or obligation at https://www.intimacywithease.com/training
The Effects of Porn
Michael refers to masturbation and how kids are deterred from this behavior instead of being taught to understand it and enjoy it into adulthood. He mentions statistics that reveal 25% of the porn audience is female and despite popular belief, porn does not increase incidence of rape or disrespect of women, while teens have become more sexually responsible since pornography on the internet.
Michael agrees that porn results in masturbation and sexual miseducation. Debunking myths, he affirms that porn does not affect men’s ability to become aroused. He mentions the refractory period and shares how this should be understood in order to manage our bodies. He discusses arousal and how it changes across one’s lifetime.
Links and Resources
http://www.greatsexguidance.com
Background
Michael Castleman is a journalist and sex counselor. Writing since 1974, he is the world’s most popular sex writer, covering sexuality, sex research, and sex therapy, helping people everywhere enjoy great sex.
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/160-sizzling-sex-across-the-lifespan-michael-castlemanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 18 Jan 2021 - 47min - 539 - 159: Erotic Blueprints – DD Haeg
On this episode we hear from DD Haeg who tells about the 5 Erotic Blueprints. She explains that this is a map/ language for how to turn each other on. They consist of the following:
Energetics : Like to be teased, enjoy anticipation and prefer lighter touch. A sense of spaciousness appeals to them.
Sensual: These blueprints indulge in all their senses be engaged. Ambience and candles work for them, and they love to be completely engaged.
Sexuals: Respond to very direct sexual gestures, love nudity and quickies!
Kinky: These types respond to things that are taboo and will find a power dynamic often at play.
Shape Shifters: love everything!
DD mentions that sexuals and energetics are the most difficult pairing one could find.
Stacking Erotic Blueprints
People have one main blueprint and can have elements of the others- this is called a stack.
If this is new to you, DD suggests that you take her quiz to help you figure our which blueprint is your main blueprint and then understand your stack.
Learning about your stack helps understand the sequence that works for you and this can really help unlock different things you may enjoy. DD discusses the shadow side of these blueprints and what the purpose of knowing your blueprint is. Ultimately this creates a deeper connection between couples.
What works for each blueprint:
Energetics love eye gazing and anticipation. A text message is an example of this.
Sexuals love nudity so a selfie might help.
Sensuals would love an essential oil bath.
Kinky is very dependent on the partner you have!
Shapeshifter would love all these things.
Links and Resources
Find out more about her Pleasure code program on her website: https://ddhaeg.com/
For my free webinar, How to Help Your Partner Want More Sex WITHOUT making them feel pressure or obligation, go here: https://www.intimacywithease.com/training
Background
DD Haeg is an international retreat leader, embodiment educator and certified erotic blueprint coach. She’s the founder of The Pleasure Code,™ empowering retreats and online programs that tap into the principles of permission, pleasure and play to help women shift out of overwhelm and into more juiciness and joy.
Over the last two decades, DD has travelled to 35 countries, taught hundreds of yoga and meditation classes, and taken more than 1000 hours of pleasure-focused training including Orgasmic Meditation, tantra, massage therapy, and more. She holds a master’s degree in intercultural studies and currently lives in Denver with her two kiddos.
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/159-erotic-blueprints-dd-haegMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 11 Jan 2021 - 33min - 538 - 158: Disability, Sex, and Creativity – Kate Wolovsky
On this episode, we learn how to maximize connection and pleasure if you are affected by physical barriers. Kate Wolovsky shares her story being affected with MS and still having a happy sex life despite this condition.
Disability Affects More Than Your Physical Body
Kate shares that having a disabled body early on in life led to a lot of shame. She also shares her husband’s story as a completely disabled person, expanding on how disability extends from physical to emotional as well.
She refers to Dr Kinsey’s approach to research and how people react from physical trauma. We don’t need to ask about a traumatic event to know what the impact of it is. Indicators can be found in other areas of peoples lives through their emotions, sex lives, and interactions – according to her.
She sheds light on the difficulties disabled people have with even their medical professionals not being equipped to talk to them or understand them as normal people, which is something she is working on through her surveys.
Learning to Talk to Your Providers
Kate mentions that people struggling with disabilities are unsure of what they can ask and that’s where she plays a key role in helping people. Kate lightheartedly advocates that disabled people are sexy and uses the word “adumbptions” to describe dumb assumptions made about disabled people.
Kate strongly encourages more meaningful conversations with disabled people pointing out that conversations with disabled people can be broached the same way as able-bodied people. She discusses where the blocks are and how she and her husband try to alleviate these issues. Their surveys are an example of this. She suggests that you participate in their survey which is used to gather information to help you educate your providers.
What’s the same for everyone
Consent is important for everyone. Innovation in all aspects of your life. She mentions furniture that works for you or using zoom to keep your relationship alive. In addition to this, she mentions not allowing social media to dictate what YOUR body should look like. “Whatever your body does, its OK”
Free Webinar
If you’re interested in our on-going free webinar – How to help your partner want more sex without making them feel pressured or obligated – you can sign up here.
Background
Kate is a psychotherapist, sex therapist, clinical researcher, speaker, writer, and advocate, specializing in disability, sexuality, and traumatic stress. Kate sheds light into these marginalized realities, and exposes the gaps in knowledge, training, and professional care that “other” or exclude people from accessing full enjoyment of their life.
Kate is a Clinical Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute Trauma Stress Research Consortium at Indiana University, where Kate is the co-author of a new, international, inclusive survey study, Body Mind, & COVID-19 that offers people of all backgrounds an opportunity to share how the COVID-19 pandemic has affected all aspects of their life (including sexual pleasure and sexual health) and what is important to them as we all search for answers about how to stay connected while physically isolated.
Since the beginning of the pandemic, Kate is increasingly in demand as a subject-matter expert on disability, chronic illness, sexuality, and traumatic stress with an embodied experience of navigating all sides of the healthcare system, academia, and both in person and online. Kate offers professional consultation, customized training, and advocates for nurturing connection and evolving opportunities for healthcare providers and the communities they serve.
Links and Resources
https://www.disabledduo.com/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/158-disability-sex-and-creativity-kate-wolovskyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 04 Jan 2021 - 40min - 537 - 157: Body Image Liberation – KaRonna Lynn
Liberation guide KaRonna Lynn, deals with body image obstacles. Liberation to KaRonna is about following what is liberating to you and not necessarily what society has defined as liberating. Most of her work is around body image but it is not confined to this.
Three Pronged Approach to Body Image Liberation
KaRonna discusses her three-pronged approach which includes, the physical body, our mental space and the culture we grew up in. Her work entails helping people unpack these things to understand her clients better. She emphasizes that this is a personal journey for each person and therefore each client needs to answer the question “How do you want this to change?”
Fat?
KaRonna Lynn shares her thoughts around people with body image concerns related to fat. She feels that people can be healthy at every size and that fat is purely a descriptor, especially since she has been through many diets and her own personal journey with weight. She rejects the idea that being healthy means being in a small, thin body.
When approached by clients that struggle with weight loss and have a goal to lose weight in order to enjoy their sex lives, KaRonna reveals the underlying message within her clients being “I need to change myself to be accepted. ” According to her, this bleeds into other areas of your life, and she finds that people are constantly trying to make others happy with the results not lasting forever. The secret to success is accepting yourself and allowing others to accept you as you are too.
Body Issues In Existing Relationships
Struggling with body image in an existing relationship can steer a relationship into difficulty as this can be a sensitive subject. KaRonna advises us to tackle this openly with our partners and work on how to move our sex lives into a new place and work with what our new bodies look like as opposed to changing our bodies. Physical attraction is only a piece of attraction and there are other areas we can focus our attraction to.
What it feels like to be Liberated
KaRonna explains how this may feel and what to expect when you experience liberation. If you have been conscious of your dress size, your eating habits, other peoples thoughts about your weight and looks, KaRonna explains that liberation would be when those thoughts no longer exist. Your automatic reactions to other people stop revolving around YOUR appearance or your body.
Background
KaRonna is a Liberation Guide. With intuitive gifts, years of untangling herself from toxic beliefs, and a clinically focused Masters of Social Work, KaRonna connects the dots between the physical (our bodies), the mental (our thoughts), and the social (our systems & cultures) at the core of body image struggles, in order to help people find deep personal liberation & body confidence.
Links and Resources
https://karonnalynn.com/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/157-body-image-liberation-karonna-lynnMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 28 Dec 2020 - 40min - 536 - 156: The 5 Seasons of Connection – Leanne Kabat
On this episode, we hear about Leanne Kabat’s personal journey. Faced with an illness and a young family, she found clarity and direction on how to choose to get out of chaos or conflict. She discusses what she calls the five seasons, what they mean and how to get to the “Summer” that we all love and need.
Dealing with Issues
She shares Spring cleaning methods that different people prefer in order to resolve difficult situations. Glossing things over is not an option, as the reference of Spring cleaning implies. She emphasizes getting dirty, uncovering painful or hidden issues in your relationship and dealing with it.
Her Book
Leanne talks about her book and how she initially thought it was going to be about the other person in her relationships but finding that its actually about yourself. She also shares her discovery about multiple layers to intimacy as opposed to a blanket idea. It also covers levels of awareness in your relationship. Her book delves into unpacking all your issues and difficult moments to connect and instead of holding hurt, growing your relationship from it.
Categories of Intimacy
Leanne discusses these 7 categories in more detail in her book. The point of these categories is for people to try and connect on as many levels as possible.
– Emotional
– Spiritual- which can be anything you connect with on a deeper level eg religion, nature, etc.
– Physical- is separated from sexual as Leanne highlights that it can be used outside of foreplay and not requiring a sexual act back. It can be used to communicate love and affection apart from sex
– Intellectual
– Financial
– Experiential- She explains the experiential category as the many areas you and your partner have common threads that enhance connection.
– Sexual
Background
Leanne Kabat is an international speaker and author of The 5 Seasons of Connection collection. Her books take us right into those crucial minute-by-minute interactions where we either draw closer together or push further apart. When we understand our seasons, we can transform our relationships from conflicted to connected by confidently moving out of the cold, dark, stormy
Winters towards love, happiness, and sunny Summer days. Her first book customizes this system for parents, her second book helps entrepreneurs who battle with doubt, anxiety, mental blocks and imposter syndrome, and her third book is for couples. The 5 Seasons of Connection to Your Love Partner goes into the most profound adult relationship we have, guiding couples out of Winter and towards their deepest love and truest connection.
Leanne developed the 5 Seasons framework as a result of a medical diagnosis in 2006 that gave her five years to live, challenging her to truly live a life she loved. Fourteen years later, she’s happily raising three teens and excited to visit her 50th country when it’s safe to do so.
Links and Resources
http://www.5SeasonsLife.com
http://www.5SeasonsLife.com/books
LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/leannekabat/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/156-the-5-seasons-of-connection-leanne-kabatMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 21 Dec 2020 - 41min - 535 - 155: Sex and the Developmentally Disabled – Richelle Fribotta
On this episode, you will hear from Richelle Fribotta. Richelle discusses her work teaching people with developmental and intellectual disabilities about sex. While there are many misconceptions around whether people with DD are even able to understand or participate in sex, Richelle clears up these myths.
Compared to years ago, we learn that there is more activity around sexual education for DD people. Richelle works anywhere that has a need but her main visits currently are institutions.
Advice for Parents
For any parent trying to educate their kids about sex whether they suffer with DD or not, it can be a difficult journey. She approaches DD kids in a similar way to non DD kids, advising parents or caregivers to firstly open up and be approachable before trying to find a curriculum to share with their kids.
Misconceptions
With many misconceptions out there, Richelle mentions just a few she comes across. Her work has led her to people who think sex ed cannot be taught to DD people and that people with an IQ under 70 are not sexual. Some she says, fear that broaching the topic would lead to people with DD looking to explore it in inappropriate ways.
Outcomes
Richelle points out her firm message around consent, age difference and sex with non humans, re-iterating that these are her hard lines and that she communicates this very clearly to her students. She also focuses on Increasing communication skills and how to say no, as well as prevention. For people that want to deliver sexual information to people with DD, she equips them with teaching methods.
What to leave out
According to Richelle, reading her students developmental age versus chronological age determines a lot of her content. Teaching where students are and reading them is a major part of her method. Richelle does not use lecture format and infuses pleasure into her lessons. There is no set prioritization in the order or learning as she deals with her students wherever they are.
Background
Richelle has been a professional community-based Sexuality Educator since 1992 when she was employed at Planned Parenthood (Dayton, Ohio). First certified as a Sexuality Educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educator Counselors and Therapists in 1996, she is also a CSE Supervisor since its inception in 2014. She teaches a multitude of subjects that are human sexuality to many populations and in various venues: 4th – 12th graders, higher education institutions, public, private and non-profit organizations, faith communities, alcohol and drug rehabilitation facilities, jails…anywhere she is invited. When training colleagues and those working in human services, she emphasizes that sexuality education should be taught from a medically accurately and research-informed, compassionate, person-centered lens with methods that are developmentally relevant, culturally inclusive while grounded in social justice praxis and a code of ethics. She never forgets that teaching also means learning.
Richelle is most proud of her focus on individuals with divergent learning styles. She has authored curricula, trained staff, provided group education to parents, caregivers and self-advocates, and consultation services for folks in the Intellectual -Developmental Disabilities, Learning Disabilities, Autism Spectrum, and Traumatic Brain Injury communities. Most notably in 1997, she established a full-service sexuality education program for an Ohio County Board of DD. Richelle works with State of Ohio DODD, Council of Governments (COGs), Superintendents, and other invested professionals to offer multiple on-going education services throughout Ohio. Her most current work is with self-advocates in Oklahoma and training developmental center staff in Ohio. Both projects endeavor to establish local “sexperts” who co-author and train about quality of life and equity-based topics that are human sexuality.
Currently, Richelle occupies Miami University (Oxford, Ohio) where she is Coordinating the Dennis L. Carlson Sexuality Education Studies Center; Instructing in the Family Science and Social Work Department; and wrapping up her doctoral program, Leadership, Culture and Curriculum. Her 28+ years of experiences in providing education services informs her research. Richelle’s scholarship challenges contemporary sexuality education curriculum standards and teaching preparation practices. She prioritizes supporting those who want to be credentialed and trained in best practices pedagogy and praxis.
Richelle is an active volunteer member for AASECT having served on the Ethics Committee, the Board of Directors, Professional Education Steering Committee, and presented at numerous annual conferences over the last 25 years. She has been a board member for several prevention and diversity inclusion groups. She sings in classic rock bands for creative outlet, pleasure, and to blow off steam.
Raised in a traditional Catholic home and strongly influenced by education professionals who value the power of progressive teaching pedagogy, Richelle has a profound respect for diversity of all kinds, believes in prevention education and endeavors to empower people to make healthy choices for sexual pleasure, health, and wellness. Teaching about Human Sexuality is Richelle’s passion…she loves her work and can think of nothing else she’d rather do than talk about sexuality!
sex/ual/ity: a visual representation to remind that this word encompasses behaviors (sex), feelings and energy (sexual), and identities (sexuality)
Richelle’s Website:
https://sosecs.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/155-sex-and-the-developmentally-disabled-richelle-fribottaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 14 Dec 2020 - 38min - 534 - 154: Masculine Sexual Leadership – GS Youngblood
GS found his path after his own painful journey in his personal life and used this to create his book and help others. He references strong women and clarifies that these are women that have a clear understanding of their own worth.
Reflecting on the evolution of men and women, GS highlights historically, the role of men as dominators and leaders until women became more capable and assertive. His book helps men understand how to adapt to this without losing themselves or diminishing their partners strength.
Masculine Leadership
We learn what masculine and feminine energy are and lean into what masculine leadership is. It includes taking responsibility and steering a relationship into a more structured state so that resolution can be reached.
Sexual Leadership
GS believes that while many men wait for their female partners to be in the mood for sex, it is the man’s responsibility to lead her to it. He talks about creating the container that allows her to open up her sexuality. He names the elements that men need to work on. These are timing, environment (temperature, lighting, aesthetic factors), heart connection, being present, praise, edginess, and attunement.
Blueprint
A man in his masculine energy is grounded, providing direction and structure and creating safety. He gives men tips on how to transition their partners to a body/heart space. GS explains that women love light and dark energy and shares what each of these mean.
Leading
GS believes that almost all men can tap into their masculine energy. He recommends becoming grounded and experimenting with your partner in a conscious and respectful manner.
Toxic Masculinity
As opposed to the blueprint of healthy masculine energy, GS explains that alpha males usually don’t encompass the three elements mentioned in his earlier blueprint. The opposite of this is ‘the nice guy’ which compensates in other ways and again does not model the blueprint he mentions earlier therefore not being able to find their healthy masculine energy.
Background
GS Youngblood coaches men in relationships on how to live, love, and lead from their Masculine core. He specializes in “nice guys” who are with strong women. His teachings combine deep embodiment work with the framework of the Masculine blueprint from his book “The Masculine in Relationship”.In his past life, GS was a high tech executive in Sales and Marketing for 16 years, including founding and selling a company. The leadership practices of Silicon Valley, based on clarity and inspiration rather than control, are a major influence on the model of Masculine leadership he shares with his clients.
Resources and Links
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gsyoungblood1/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gsyoungbloodmir/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/154-masculine-sexual-leadership-gs-youngbloodMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 07 Dec 2020 - 35min - 533 - 153: Love More, Fight Less – Dr. Gina Senarighi
From early on in her career, Dr. Gina knew she wanted to help people with sex and relationships. Her work delved into the more uncommon areas such as discernment counseling, conscious uncoupling, and consensual non-monogamy.
Her work today revolves around a diverse group of clients, which she calls expansive relationships. Dr. Gina explains expansive relationships as relationships between partners that want to explore and encompass more of themselves, people who want to “color outside of the lines.”
Looking Deeper into Our Stories
Gina deals with many stories and talks about how we all have stories. She notes that we need to look at our own actions and history in a healthier way and finds that this can bring us to realizations in our lives that help us better understand ourselves. Exploring our norms does not mean we need to scrap them but rather encourages us to better tailor them to our current relationship needs.
Intimacy
Dr. Senarighi highlights that vulnerability and intimacy are not the same but that handling vulnerability with care can deepen intimacy in a relationship. She explains intimacy as a deep connection with people and explores the different kinds of intimacy around us.
Communication
She explains that trust and openness go hand in hand and shares how we can cultivate that openness for ourselves. Dr Gina discusses her book and how important communication is in relationships. It is filled with tools and actionable steps for couples to use to strengthen their communication and deal with obstacles. She uncovers a few examples to give us some insight into what she means.
A few key elements she unpacks that help communication are clarity of boundaries, having a clear and compassionate accountability process and trust and stability in relationships
Background
Dr. Gina Senarighi, PhD, CPC is an author, teacher, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach based in the U.S. She’s been supporting clean fights and dirty sex in happy healthy relationships since 2009. Gina has written several books and currently leads couples retreats and coaches clients all over the world to have deeper intimacy and more meaningful connection.
Call for a free consultation to rethink the way you do relationships.
About Gina
Dr. Gina Senarighi, PhD, CPC is a couples’ therapist turned relationship coach, retreat leader, and author specializing in intimacy, authenticity, shame-resilience, and connected communication for diverse relationships.
For over twelve years she has supported hundreds of clients creating fulfilling integrity-based relationships according to their own rules. In that time she’s developed a solid framework based in neuroscience, nonviolent communication, and positive psychology research that has transformed diverse relationships around the world.
In 2020, she published her first book, Love More Fight Less, A Communication Workbook for Every Couple with Penguin Random House. She earned her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2010 from Saybrook University, her Bachelor’s degree in Education from the University of Wisconsin in 2002, and a Masters in Education with a minor in Human Sexuality from Indiana University in 2004. In 2019 she completed her PhD in Spiritual Studies and Pastoral Counseling.
Gina was named Portland’s Best Life Coach in 2019 and has taught psychology courses, communication workshops, couples intimacy retreats, and guest lectured on alternative relationships and sex-positive therapy at universities across the US. Students love her no-nonsense “real talk” presentation style.
Her podcast, Swoon has helped over 10,000 listeners build a more compassionate, creative, confident, and fulfilled society. Gina offers practical, proven skills to transform relationships in deeply meaningful ways.
As a retreat coach, her background in psychology, mediation and communication training has enabled her to offer uniquely powerful tools to help clients overcome stuck patterns. Her uniquely non-judgmental, inclusive approach to couples work puts even the most concerned participants at ease. She is not your average sit-and-nod supporter- she’ll call you out, and always help you grow. Gina has created thousands of tools, worksheets, guides and authored a few books to support relationships. Get on her email list if you’d like access to her tool library.
When she’s not working you can find her in her gorgeous urban garden, cooking dinners for friends, playing with her two adorable kids, or traveling the world with her partner, Rae.
Links and Resources:
Website – http://heygina.com
Book – Love More Fight Less, A Communication Workbook for Every Couple – https://www.amazon.com/Love-More-Fight-Less-Communication/dp/0593196651/
Website – http://Nonmonogomous.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/153-love-more-fight-less-dr-gina-senarighiMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 30 Nov 2020 - 35min - 532 - 152: Learning From LGBTQ Elders – Dr. Jane Fleishman
At age 56, Jane went back to finish her PhD and completed this at 62. She tells us this brought her into her own intellectually. She chose to focus on sexuality, as she found it to be the root of humanity’s problems. Her specialty is sexuality and aging. Her book, the Stonewall Generation, focuses on LGBTQ elders and the process required her to find people to interview.
Her writing journey took her to the story of Stonewall “the birth of the modern day rights movement“ which stands today as a historical event for the gay community.
Inclusivity
Her goals include trying to combat ageism and the myth that LGBTQ is a young persons’ identity. With all this in mind, Dr Jane targeted people who are marginalized so that their stories could be told through her book.
Dr. Fleishman’s aim is to experience pride events with more exciting sexual politics. With current upheaval in terms of racial injustice and other injustices, Jane believes that things will change to include more LGBTQ elders.
Aging and Sex
One of Dr. Jane’s concerns revolves around older adults’ cognitive decline and sexuality. The question she asks is “Do people have the ability and the right to have a sex positive future?“ This brings up ethical issues but Jane is passionate about helping the elderly and ensuring that even in old age, they can enjoy consensual sex.
Background
Jane Fleishman, PhD, MEd, MS, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, is an award-winning educator, writer, program developer and researcher with a keen perspective on the intersections of race, class, and sexuality, particularly for marginalized populations.
She holds a PhD and MEd in Human Sexuality from the Widener University Center for Human Sexuality Studies. Jane is the Principal in her own consulting practice, Speaking of, LLC, specializing in program development, training, curriculum design, writing, and policy review related to human sexuality for older adults, parents, teenagers, young children, and members of the LGBTQ population.
She hosts a regular podcast on topics related to sex in the second half of life at www.ourbetterhalf.net and recently completed a TEDx Talk entitled, “Is It OK for Grandma to Have Sex?” Her latest accomplishment is her book entitled, The Stonewall Generation: LGBTQ Elders on Sex, Activism, and Aging.
Her curious nature has led her to research many topics related to sexuality, such as the associations between internalized homophobia, resilience, sexual communication, satisfaction in relationships, and sexual satisfaction in older adults’ same-sex relationships. Her work has helped organizations of different sizes develop tools to understand their organizational plights and dilemmas and implement changes into their work environment that align with their values, principles, and vision.
Links and Resources
http://www.janefleishman.com
http://www.ourbetterhalf.net
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/152-learning-from-lgbtq-elders-dr-jane-fleishmanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 23 Nov 2020 - 35min - 531 - 151: Blocks to Orgasm – Kim Akrigg
Kim joins me on this episode to discuss blocks to orgasm. Her aim is to work with the subconscious mind to transform women.
What Blocks Orgasm?
She delves into the root of the problem being control over women even at an intimate level and shares what these blocks actually look like. She touches on society’s reaction to kids unknowingly exploring their bodies and being shamed for their behavior as opposed to them being guided to understand when it’s appropriate.
Other blocks include sexual trauma and religion which frowns upon individuals seeking physical pleasure.
Our Minds Can Create Blocks
Kim talks about the role our minds play when reacting to sex or orgasm. She mentions how our subconscious feeds our responses by recalling its very first sexual experience and the feelings it brought with it. This of course manifests in our daily lives and sexual encounters.
Being aware of our personal stories around sex is key to understanding our blocks and how to fix them. This helps to distinguish between those who have blocks and those who just haven’t discovered how to reach orgasm yet.
Rapid Transformational Therapy
Kim tells us about a method called Rapid Transformational Therapy. The technique uses hypnosis, cognitive behavioral therapy and NLP, and it uncovers memories from the subconscious to help her clients. Dealing with the mind is crucial to helping clients as Kim emphasizes.
What to do on your own
Kim suggests once you are open to reaching and enjoying intimacy, that you spend time on your own figuring out what you like and what works for you sexually. If you are unsure of what an orgasm feels like, Kim suggests going with whatever makes you feel good.
If you want to work on your obstacles on your own, Kim suggests that you confront your thoughts around sex and tuning into your mind in order to figure out what is attached to your obstacle. She shares affirmations we can use and techniques that work. She reveals that repetition is the key to unlocking your pleasure.
Background
Kim Akrigg is the host of Kim Akrigg The Podcast and an RTT practitioner who studied under Marissa Peer. Her work focuses around using your subconscious mind to unlock your orgasm!
Resources and Links
Website: http://kimakrigg.com
IG : @kim.akrigg
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/151-blocks-to-orgasm-kim-akriggMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 16 Nov 2020 - 29min - 530 - 150: Talking To Your Kids About Porn – Braxton Dutson
How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn
With children being exposed to porn as early as 10 today, Braxton, teaches us how to deal with pornography and kids. He defines porn as content that is intentionally created for a sexual purpose like arousal.
For many parents, the task may seem daunting and confusing to broach. In this episode, Braxton takes us by the hand and explains exactly what we need to do to raise healthy, aware and responsible children.
His advice is to start by knowing your own parameters and values. The journey starts as early as the infant stage where we are encouraged to use the correct terms for body parts. With many kids having access to electronic devices, Braxton expresses how important it is to create a system for your child to respond correctly to unexpected, inappropriate material. He suggests explaining to your kids as young as 6, that if they do come across any naked people on their screens, to call you instead of getting curious and clicking on it.
The C’s
Talking to your child openly and ensuring that your child knows that they will not get into trouble, helps them approach you therefore Braxton encourages communication. Curiosity comes up as a common thread with children, and we are encouraged to teach them how to respond to that. Braxton explains the three C’s about why your child may look at pornography:
– Clicking (accidental)
– Curiosity
– Coping
As parents, he suggests we respond with these three C’s and explains these in more detail:
– Stay Curious
– Stay Connected
– Stay Calm
Teens
Dealing with teens requires a specific approach, as many parents may already have discovered. We learn that approaching teens openly and explaining your rationale to them in line with your values as opposed to dictating to them, works best. While teens are in an exploratory phase, parents may encounter teens using porn for masturbation. Braxton gives us a helpful way to gently correct this while ensuring your teen can still explore their sexual impulses.
Being responsible and not shaming your kids when they enter this phase of their lives is key to keeping an open line of communication and being there to help them into adulthood.
Background
Braxton Duston , LCSW, CST is the Clinical Director at The Healing Group in Salt Lake City Utah. He is also host of the Birds and Bees Podcast. In addition to this Braxton is an adjunct professor of human sexuality at the University of Utah.
With a broad spectrum of experience, Braxton helps couples, dads and parents in unique ways.
Links and Resources
Find him on IG :Birds and bees
Find him on FB: Braxton Dutson
http://birdsandbeespodcast.com
Birdsandbeespodcast@gmail.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/150-talking-to-your-kids-about-porn-braxton-dutsonMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 09 Nov 2020 - 42min - 529 - 149: The State of Our Union – Dr. Corey Allan
State of Our Union Program
Bringing personal life experience to the fore, Corey explains how the idea of ‘The State Of Our Union’ came about. On a weekly basis Corey and his wife used a text message reminder with 5 questions. This helped them escape work and family distractions and sit down with each other religiously to talk about their personal lives, sex and their emotions.
They now have a program you can join that allows you to practice the same commitment with your partner in order to share meaningful conversations. Once a week you will get a text message with 5 questions to discuss with your partner. Once every quarter you receive a different set of questions in addition to the 5 weekly questions, which are broader and more long term.
Corey encourages using a journal to write your answers down so that you can track your progress and keep in touch with each other on a more personal level. Approaching what you are both grateful for is an example of what the quarterly questions include. Corey emphasizes that it is not sex-focused and can be about anything we are grateful for. The program is built to bring people together and keep people in tune with each other.
In the case of couples not having the time to fit these candid heart to hearts with each other, Corey expresses that it is absolutely possible to find a few minutes to connect and not making the time is already a reflection of where your relationship is and what you need to work on.
Background
Corey Allan (if you want to be formal it’s Dr. Corey Allan, but he’s usually pretty casual) is a husband, father, author, speaker, as well as a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. He and his wife Pam host a weekly podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio, where they help frame the conversation for couples to experience the best sex possible in their marriage.
Corey has a private practice in McKinney, TX and is the founder of sexymarriage.net, an online resource aimed at helping marriages not just survive, but thrive. Pam is a CPA at a small firm in Frisco TX as well as a co-pilot with Corey’s work.
To sum it up …
Love is a process, not just a feeling. It produces action. Added to this, life is a choice (so is marriage). Therefore, we work to help people:
Grow deeper Spiritually
Keep it simple
Be passionate
Live in community with others
Enjoy the ride
Marriage is more about becoming a better human than it is about the two people being happy. So when you keep things simple, you are in a better position to experience more in marriage and life.
“I don’t want people surviving their relationships, I want them thriving.” ~ Dr. Corey Allan
Links and Resources:
http://sexymarriage.net
http://sexymarriageradio.com
http://smrnation.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/149-the-state-of-our-union-dr-corey-allanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 02 Nov 2020 - 31min - 528 - 148: [Personal Story] A Triggered Life – Alba
Alba Soto is my guest on this episode. She shares her ‘triggered life’ experience, which still haunts her today. Her trauma began at the age of 3 at the hand of family members. Alba shares her addiction to masturbation as a coping mechanism which fueled her sense of guilt.
She shares how she managed to escape this life and the twist of events that led her abusers back to her. People pleasing was Alba’s symptom of her trauma, always aiming to be a ‘good girl.’
In an eye opening observation, Alba explains that trauma is the gateway drug to addiction and that any form of addiction is a coping tool. Her journey progresses into adolescence and adulthood, where she found herself in similar situations even in her personal relationships, being raped and involved with toxic partners.
Not knowing who she really was, was a huge obstacle in finding her confidence and with the help of her now husband, Alba reveals how he played a role in helping her find herself and express her emotions and thoughts openly in a safe place. When she experiences a ‘ triggering’ moment, Alba is now comfortable enough to talk about it and this, she shares is a liberating tool.
Alba currently still experiences trauma triggers and reveals how powerful having a voice is when she experiences these triggers.
Background
Alba Soto is the founder of Alba Soto TLC. She is a positive and resilient trauma survivor, dedicated to helping single mothers who have suffered from sexual trauma.
As a certified trauma life coach, Alba helps single mothers get unstuck by applying her unique principles of active healing. Through personal experience she has learned that ” Without tools, Trauma Rules.” This is what led her to share the tools that turned her from accepting people who took advantage of her to now only accepting healthy and reciprocal relationships.
These tools facilitate active healing and help women find their voice and reclaim their power.
Albas vision is to create a community of resilient women through my sisters circle community, ” Better TogetHER,” a sacred space to connect with other like spirited resilient women who are ready to move towards a life that is free of shame, guilt and anger.
Links and Resources
https://www.facebook.com/Albasototlc/
https://www.instagram.com/albasototlc/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/148-personal-story-a-triggered-life-albaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 26 Oct 2020 - 45min - 527 - 147: Becoming Sex Positive with Heather Shannon
Heather Shannon joins us on this episode to delve deeper into what being sex positive or sex negative actually means. In explaining what it actually means, Shannon relates it to a sense of freedom that you would find between two consenting parties to express whoever they are with each other.
We discover how sex negativity is integrated into our society and how liberating it can be to know other variations and options regarding sexuality.
What Does it Mean to Be Sex Negative
Shannon shares examples of this which include discomfort around sexual orientation, performance anxiety and unusual fetishes. Being unable or uncomfortable to say NO also hinges on sex negativity as Shannon explains in more detail. Interestingly, she notes that people with sexual trauma can be sex positive.
With many cultural and social factors working against sex positivity, Shannon highlights the sex education at schools as a key area that can be improved to move children toward a healthier perception of sex.
What Does it Mean to Be Sex Positive
A broad definition of this is being able to express your sexual self and feeling comfortable with it. Shannon points out that providing a space for this kind of expression fuels sex positivity. She suggests being selective about the social media you subscribe to and to intentionally surround yourself with sex positive content.
Another tip she shares is having a sex therapist that can provide you with a safe space to be yourself to improve your sex positivity.
Background
Heather Shannon, LCPC is a Sex & Relationship Therapist who works with individuals and relationship partners through online video sessions. She is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Illinois, Certified Holistic Health Coach, Meditation Guide and completed a Certificate in Sexual Health from University of Michigan with a focus on both Sex Therapy and Sexuality Education. Heather’s focus is on working with the Alt Sex community, helping people heal attachment wounds and integrating sexuality and spirituality.
Links and Resources
https://heathershannon.co
https://heathershannon.co/bettersex
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/147-becoming-sex-positive-with-heather-shannonMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 19 Oct 2020 - 36min - 526 - 146: What We Can Learn From People With Spinal Cord Injury – Dr. Mitchell Tepper
Sex After Spinal Cord Injury
On this episode, Mitchell joins us to discuss the impact of a spinal injury on sexual function. Having experienced this type of injury personally, he shares his journey to teaching people about sexual health being one of the first people to have a sexual health domain registered in 1996. The website was intended to help people with disabilities with their sexual health but soon became a central source of sexual health information for all kinds of people.
The Importance of Trust
Setting myths aside, Mitchell explains that people with disabilities can experience sexual pleasure, erections, etc but some have difficulty expressing themselves. After research into this, he found that people need a partner they can trust to reach the point of sexual pleasure and comfort.
A critical part of this is relearning the truth about sex, departing from the limiting physical definition to experiencing trust, safety, and connectedness. Mitchell is a testament to breaking physical boundaries with this combination. He has found that even those with disabilities below their injury region have experienced an orgasm with the proper context and approach.
Sexual Self Esteem
In other areas of his research, Mitchell tells us about the effect of how much time has passed post-injury and sexual self-esteem on sexual health. His findings also point to people having higher sexual self-esteem if they were born with their disability as opposed to people who acquired their injury. This is based on the latter group constantly comparing their past sexual performance with their current ability.
These Ideas Apply to Everyone
In his process of helping people, Mitchell explains that he helps his clients understand how their new bodies work, as this is usually overlooked or taken for granted. In addition to this, he encourages people to make use of touch, sound, and sensation to help people reach sexual pleasure.
For people that aren’t struggling with a disability but want to explore a deeper and meaningful sexual experience, Mitchell advocates sensate focus. He further explains that this builds sexual communication and advocates touching for your own sexual satisfaction, allowing your partner to provide feedback. Mitchell also finds that Tantra a meaningful technique to deeper sexual experiences. The technique has three main factors: Stop, focus, and connect, which he digs deeper into.
Achieving Orgasm
Mitchell’s techniques are beneficial to able-bodied and disabled people, revealing that penetration is not at all the only means to orgasm. With dozens of examples of non-penetrative orgasms amongst his findings, he shares real cases with us that shed light on this experience.
Undoing learned habits is just as huge a part of the difficult journey to experiencing sexual liberation. Incorporating play into sex is also a great way to make it less serious.
Background
Dr. Mitchell Tepper, author of Regain That Feeling: Secrets to Sexual Self-Discovery, brings a lifetime of first-hand experience with chronic conditions and disability to his work as a Sexuality Researcher, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator and Counselor, Coach, and self-proclaimed Prophet of Pleasure. He has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality Education from the University of Pennsylvania and a Master’s in Public Health from Yale. Dr. Tepper worked on ground-breaking research on orgasm in women with spinal cord injuries with world-renowned orgasm researchers Drs. Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk. Over the last 14 years, Dr. Tepper has turned his attention to helping wounded veterans and their partners navigate intimate relationships. His forthcoming documentary, Love After War, tells the stories of intimate partners who have won the battle for love.
Links and Resources
Website: http://drmitchelltepper.com
Documentary: http://Loveafterwar.org
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Regain-That-Feeling-Self-Discovery-Relationships/dp/1505444993/
Social Media:
https://www.facebook.com/doctortepper
https://www.facebook.com/LoveAfterWar
https://twitter.com/DoctorT
https://www.instagram.com/drmtepper/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/146-what-we-can-learn-from-people-with-spinal-cord-injury-dr-mitchell-tepperMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 12 Oct 2020 - 49min - 525 - 145: Sensate Focus – Linda Weiner
Sensate Focus Exercises
Sensate focus is a touching technique for couples or individuals that stimulates the primal part of the brain to enjoy a fully immersive experience with your partner. The technique starts with focusing on temperature, texture and pressure and uses a tactile sensation to move away from distraction.
Linda uses the technique for almost everything ranging from low/ no desire, sexual dysfunction, trauma, body image issues to rekindling connection between couples.
One Size Doesn’t Fit All
With each individual experiencing sensation differently, Linda highlights building up sexual tension with touch. From Linda’s experience, there is often a need to manage each level as it is approached. She removes conflict and pressure from couples relationships, by taking on the instruction/ control role. Her sessions help couples identify the difference between vulnerability and rejection.
How Do You Start With Sensate Focus?
With no hard and fast rule, couples can choose certain factors in their environment to ensure that they are at ease eg clothing (or no clothing). Linda’s rules include no kissing and no talking. She points out that talking uses the front of the brain and therefore brings individuals back to logic. Linda mentions that the toucher is supposed to touch for their pleasure while the person being touched, needs to experience the touch and provide feedback if something is not comfortable.
Obstacles
Linda shares that avoidance is one of the main issues that couples encounter. She reveals how she handles this delay tactic fairly. For clients that don’t like the technique, she reminds them about the basic three areas of focus temperature, texture and pressure. Partner pressure is an obvious obstacle that Linda notices with her clients. She uses a great analogy to help us accept our differences and move couples through the basic steps at their own pace.
Background
Linda Weiner, MSW, LCSW, Owner of Sex Therapist St Louis, LLC is a Certified Diplomate in Sex Therapy, a Supervisor for Certification in Sex Therapy & Sexuality Counseling and a CE provider for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
She earned a B.A. in Psychology from American University and an MSW from the University of Missouri. Linda trained at Masters & Johnson Institute and was employed there for five years as the director of Training & Workshops and as a Research and Clinical Associate. Evolving into private clinical practice as a therapist specializing in sexual and relationship concerns, Linda later began publishing on Sensate Focus mindful and somatic touch techniques with co-author, Dr. Constance Avery-Clark. Following the publication of a number of journal articles and a book chapter, Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual was published in 2017.
For 15 years, Linda served as an adjunct professor at the Brown School, Washington University. Linda has presented nationally and internationally and has been interviewed by a number of media outlets including CNN. Her current interest is in transmitting information about the use of Sensate Focus techniques to physicians and Allied health professionals who represent the first contact with sexually distressed individuals.
Links and Resources
Phone: 314-588-8924
Email: sextherapiststlouis@gmail.com
Website: http://www.sextherapiststlouis.com
Twitter: @couplesguru
Instagram: @lindajweiner
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/145-sensate-focus-linda-weinerMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 06 Oct 2020 - 43min - 524 - 144: What is Sex Therapy Like – Paula Leech
Paula shares that mindfulness plays a key role in sex therapy which ties in mind and body by focusing on sensate focus and behavior. The therapy is purely verbal and while it implies a physical element, that only happens in a clients home away from their therapy so that progress can be made. Paula emphasizes that a major part of her clients have underlying anxiety struggles. She points out that sex therapy is used to treat this before ever focusing on sex.
Who needs sex therapy?
With a degree in Family therapy, Paula thinks about the ‘who’ differently. Her approach includes her client’s partner/s to get better insight into her patients’ struggle.
Paula also helps single clients. She points out erectile dysfunction as an example of a problem she tackles with her single clients. Her work with these clients includes understanding their bodies and giving them tools to help themselves.
Working with Paula
Paula’s first sessions are honest consultations used to get to know each other as taking the first step into therapy can be daunting for clients. She moves on to providing the way forward and answering any questions around this. Obviously this varies with each clients unique situation since her clients experience a range of difficulties from sexual trauma to pelvic floor issues.
Paula’s direct communication and transparency is a different approach to this kind of therapy but welcomed by her clients as they find her more relatable.
Fears
In this type of therapy, clients are exposed to an extent and Paula reveals that fear is part of the process. One of the most common fears she finds with her clients is the fear of being judged. Another one is fear of loss of a relationship if a struggle is not overcome during the therapy.
Frequency of sex often comes up with Paula finding that couples need permission to not engage in sex. Her candid and simple reaction to this is based on whether the parties are happy.
Paula shares an interesting angle to look at things from when experiencing sexual struggles, highlighting that being too involved in your partners problem takes away from you focusing on you and helping from that point of view.
Finding a Sex Therapist
Legitimate sex therapists have an AASECT certification. Therapists do around 160 hours of courses and 300 hours with patients before being certified. Training ensures that therapists themselves are aware of their biases and comfort zones to better aid their patients.
Background
Paula received her bachelor’s degree in Family and Human Development at Arizona State University and then went on to receive her master’s Degree in Family Therapy at the University of Massachusetts, in Boston. Post family therapy licensure, Paula became AASECT (American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and therapists) certified as a Sex Therapist and worked with individuals, relationships, and families in private practice in Boston, Massachusetts for ten years.
In that time, she received AASECT certification as a Supervisor of Sex Therapy and co-founded a sex therapy agency and training institute where we saw clients in addition to training therapists to become competent, confident sex therapists themselves. Paula continues to regularly present at various training institutes as well as Universities and therapy agencies across New England.
Links and Resources:
https://www.paulaleech.com/
email: pleechtherapy@gmail.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Webinar:
How to Make Sex Easy Without Making It Feel Like an Obligation – http://intimacywithease.com/training
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/144-what-is-sex-therapy-like-paula-leechMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 28 Sep 2020 - 47min - 523 - 143: Surrogate Partner Therapy – Brian Gibney
What is Surrogate Partner Therapy
Surrogate Partner Therapy offers a unique, tailored space in which to safely explore trust, communication, emotional intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality. Each of these pieces is important in their own right and essential in how they interconnect to influence healthy relationships.
It facilitates the therapeutic process and focuses on physical limitations, personal history, poor self-image, communication and other broad areas in relationships. Unlike a therapist, a surrogate partner is in the relationship with you and shows you what something would feel like, lending itself to people not currently in relationships.
Surrogate Partner Therapy is a Process
Just like any type of work required on a relationship, the process may take some time. Early on in the process, Brian ensures that his clients are aware of what can be expected during the sessions. The session involves the client, the therapist and the surrogate partner working parallel with each other.
Initially, Brian assesses his clients to see if they are a good fit for the sessions. He discusses mental disorders and active abuse as an example of clients that would not be a good fit for the therapy.
Consent is Crucial
Brian opens up the consent conversation and how critical it is to measure if his clients understand consent. He takes us through the exercise he uses throughout his sessions, to ensure that his clients understand consent and know how to identify it.
Specialized Training is Important
While this type of therapy is not offered by therapists, Brian discusses the process of involving his clients’ therapists and ensuring that they too are not overstepping personal or professional comfort boundaries.
To ensure you are getting a certified surrogate partner, Brian suggests getting recommendations and getting a feel for how your therapist works. The typical way a surrogate partner works is within a triad. Communication is usually a main area of discussion while sexual focus comes in as a client requires it.
Brian mentions the certifying organizations available that you can use to check if your surrogate partner is certified.
Background
Over the course of his adult life, Brian has worn many hats: research scientist (BA, Molecular biology; Masters, Microbiology), teacher, professional artist, performer, and parent. The common thread that has run through all of those vocations has been the joy of learning, discovery, and improvement.In parallel with his professional life, he has also been keenly interested in interpersonal interactions, intimacy, and authenticity. These two facets have merged in his practice as a Surrogate Partner.
Brian received his training in Surrogate Partner Therapy from IPSA (the International Professional Surrogates Association) in 2016. In addition to being a member of IPSA, he is also a surrogate partner member of IMBT (Institute for Mind-Body Therapy), AIHG (Ananda Integrative Health Group), and AASECT(American Association of Sex Educators Counsellors and Therapists).
Brian is a founding member of the surrogate Partner Collective and Chair of AASECT’s Somatic Sexuality Professionals Special InterestGroup.In his practice, Brian seeks to help clients create foundational self-knowledge that enables them to effectively navigate healthy and fulfilling intimate relationships. Motivating this is the core belief that sharing intimacy with others is an essential part of the human experience. While it is important for everyone to have the option to feel connected with others, many find it difficult (or impossible) to make this connection.
In helping clients achieve their goals, Brian strives to maintain high professional and ethical standards and promote accessibility of Surrogate Partner Therapy to ensure those in need may receive the most successful treatment. In addition to his work with clients, Brian has been advocating for his profession by education therapeutic professionals and the broader public.
Drawing from his experience as an educator, he has presented at a range of professional conferences, workshops, therapeutic practices, and professional groups. In discussing his work, he hopes to encourage dialogue about a variety of topics–intimacy, sensual awareness and embodiment, and communication–that is so desperately needed in our society.
Resources and Links
https://www.bgsurrogatetherapy.com/
https://www.surrogatepartnercollective.org/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/143-surrogate-partner-therapy-brian-gibneyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 21 Sep 2020 - 39min - 522 - 142: Birth Control – Emily Aytes
On this episode, we hear from birth control expert, Emily Aytes. She uncovers some of the most common questions she receives. Interestingly, Emily shares that both young and older people ask her about birth control as it isn’t widely discussed from her experience. Her personal opinion is that having a birth control conversation with your partner early on allows you to enjoy sex and delve into other parts of your relationship.
Long acting reversible contraception
If you have ever wondered what a LARC is, Emily explains the acronym to us : LONG ACTING REVERSIBLE CONTRACEPTIVE. This includes IUDs which can last between 3-12 years. Emily shares the side effects of the IUD and unpacks NEXPLANON, the copper and plastic iud. Benefits of this include not having to remember anything as these methods provide protection without any further human intervention once they are implanted. If you change your mind and decide to remove the device, rest assured that it’s relatively easy to continue where you left off.
The shot is another commonly taken contraceptive in this category and contains Progesterone. Again, Emily discusses the side effects and notes that this method too is pretty effective.
Other Birth Control Methods
The pill has proven to be a highly effective method from Emily’s findings, however she notes the side effects and the fact that human intervention is required everyday, opening up a window for error and loss of effectiveness.
Touching on condom use, Emily explains how human error can result in a lack of effectiveness while doubling up on methods eg IUD plus a condom, can increase effectiveness. On the positive side, condoms are accessible without prescription and offer a wide range to suit your personal preference.
Planned Parenthood website is recommended if you are interested in a more natural method that does not require any external intervention.
Common Questions
One of the most common questions Emily gets asked is around how pregnancy occurs. For this reason, she explains the biological process for us in an easy to understand way.
We learn more about emergency contraceptive including the morning after pill : Plan B ( no script required) and Ella ( which requires a script) and the Copper T which is extremely effective.
Another common question Emily gets is whether you can get pregnant during your period. While it is possible, she explains it is not likely. For a more behavioural method of contraceptive, Emily discusses withdrawal which is only 78% effective.
Background
Emily Aytes (she/they pronouns) is a community outreach educator with Planned Parenthood in Indiana state. As an educator, her role includes offering comprehensive, inclusive, and medically accurate sexual health information to her local community and beyond.
The majority of her work in the community is with young people in middle and high school classrooms teaching about relationships, consent, birth control methods, STIs, gender, and communication skills.
Emily is passionate about all folks having access to sexual health information so that they can make their own informed decisions. She also enjoys teaching about racial and social justice, LGBTQ+ identities, and sexual pleasure
Resources and Links
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
https://www.bedsider.org/methods
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/142-birth-control-emily-aytesMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 14 Sep 2020 - 51min - 521 - 141: Doing Non-Monogamy Well – Tristan Taormino
On this episode we dig into non-monogamy with Tristan Taormino. She discusses how the processing of both parties feelings is a crucial element to open relationships. Interestingly, she shares how working on yourself is a big part of the open-minded approach required to make this type of thing work.
The Importance of Boundaries in Consensual Non-monogamy
Tristan recommends a slow start and provides clear guidelines and examples on how to do this. Knowing what you want and need makes setting boundaries easier. These boundaries include whether or not you and your partner wish to keep your non-monogamy close to home or not. This ultimately bleeds into how much time you will be investing in non-monogamy and the depth of the relationships you will be seeking. Tristan shares the types of boundaries that could come up.
Decisions to make regarding non-monogamy
Tristan’s advice for couples with different feelings about non-monogamy is to go at the pace of the slower partner. Ultimatums are not encouraged especially if your partner agrees to give it a try.
Tristan adds valuable advice about making decisions during the heat of a moment, advocating a more thought-through approach when put in these situations. People trying non-monogamy also struggle with certain behaviours including jealousy. We learn more about this and how to constructively handle this.
The Common Pitfalls of Consensual Non-monogamy
Time management is considered one of the pitfalls of non-monogamy. With many tools available at our disposal, Tristan unpacks the subtle and obvious scenarios that eventually lead to your time being consumed and the negative impact it can have if not managed.
We hear about emotional privacy and how it involves considering the preferences of all the parties included in your non-monogamous arrangement. Tristan’s suggests the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell ‘ method if all parties can agree to it. Vito power comes into play here and we hear about how it can be used fairly.
Considering the Past
Trauma and negative childhood experiences eventually manifest in our relationships. Tristan urges us to investigate these issues so that we are informed when entering a relationship and acutely aware of our partner’s triggers and understand why they exist.
Background
Tristan Taormino is an award-winning writer, sex educator, speaker, filmmaker, and radio host. She is the editor of 25 anthologies and author of eight books, including Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She lectures at top colleges and universities and teaches sex and relationship workshops around the world for nearly 20 years.
Tristan hosts Sex Out Loud, a weekly radio show on the VoiceAmerica Network and is the creator of Sex Educator Boot Camp, a professional training program while still running a coaching and consulting business for sexuality and creative professionals.
Links and Resources
Tristan’s Book –
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
Website
http://tristantaormino.com/
https://openingup.net/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Host Recent Episodes
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/141-doing-non-monogamy-well-tristan-taorminoMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Tue, 08 Sep 2020 - 52min - 520 - 140: Bawdy Bookworms – Thien-Kim Lam
On this episode, we visit the topic of erotic fantasy in a box! Thien-Kim came up with the idea after selling sex toys at parties and one day finding herself aroused while reading a novel.
She compares books today versus those written decades ago, explaining how writing has evolved for today’s audience. While older books come across as forceful, today’s books around heterosexual characters, usually lean toward romantic beginnings that consider the pleasure of the female partner first.
Gender Diversity
With many obstacles around sexually diverse characters, Thien-Kim notes that many authors self publish in order to get their work out there. Her monthly box is called the bawdy quickie and only features diverse romances and more gender-diverse toys.
Thien-Kim handpicks toys specifically to the books she selects and gives her clients the opportunity to give her feedback on her virtual platforms open to anyone.
Her Experience and Findings
With thousands of books to choose from, Thien-Kim mentions a few great resources for you to find good reads and authors for yourself. She looks for good quality toys that are female-friendly. Her journey has led her to discover that many people want to try sex toys in the bedroom so she provides advice and direction regarding toys wherever she can.
Background
As the Chief Erotica Officer of Bawdy Bookworms, Thien-Kim Lam curates kits to help women explore their sexuality through romance books and sex toys. Her subscription box-meets-virtual book club pairs steamy romance novels with sex toys, lubes, and lickables.
She selects from hundreds of best in class sex-positive products and smart, sexy fiction to create a curated experience every time. Their virtual book club chats create a safe, open-minded community for women to connect with others who wish desire to embrace their pleasure. Through Bawdy Bookworms, she celebrates diversity in romance because everyone deserves a happy ending.
Resources and Links
Bawdy Bookworms: https://bawdybookworms.com
Bawdy Quickie, featuring diverse romances: https://bawdybookworms.com/bawdy-quickie-monthly-box/
Bawdy Bookworms Insiders Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BBInsiders/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/bawdybookworms
Sources
https://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/
https://smexybooks.com/
http://www.wocinromance.com/
https://dirtygirlromance.com/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/140-bawdy-bookworms-thien-kim-lamMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 31 Aug 2020 - 23min - 519 - 139: Safer Sex & STIs – Kayla Potts
On this episode, Kayla Potts educates us about STIs. She highlights that people often do not display symptoms when they have an STI and recommends testing as the only way to be certain of your status. From Kayla’s experience, she has found that it’s better to specify each individual test you require to your healthcare provider.
When Should You Test for STIs
If you are wondering how often to get tested, Kayla encourages us to test once a year if you have one partner. Multiple partners moves you up to 3 to 6 months. In a perfect scenario, she advocates testing before every partner as well. Bringing up testing can be uncomfortable but Kayla shares easy ways to broach the subject.
The Best Timing for STI Testing
In terms of timelines, some STIs may only reflect positive result weeks or months after infection. Kayla urges us to speak to our health providers to get help around the correct timing for best results. While all STIs are worth knowing about, Kayla mentions that there are very comprehensive tests for the serious types and explains the kinds of infections we can encounter.
Common STIs
HPV, Chlamydia and Ghonoreaha come up as common STIs. Kayla urges us to be aware of these if you are sexually active and ensure that you are responsible. She discusses the two ways we can contract an STI, namely body fluids or skin to skin contact. She digs deeper into Herpes and how one can contract, identify and prevent it.
Using Condoms
Kayla shares in-depth guidance on the use of condoms, dental dams and gloves clearing up a few grey areas including how these should fit. Because of sugars in condoms, she proposes not using flavoured condoms for genital to genital contact and advocates other types instead.
Prevention and Myths
In the conversation around STIs prevention, we learn about vaccines and that the best prevention is abstinence.
With many myths around HIV, Kayla informs that it is not specific to a gender, sexual orientation or a specific sexual act. In addition to this, she flattens any belief that STIs can be passed on via toilet surfaces or air among other common misconceptions.
Background
Kayla Potts is a community outreach educator with Planned Parenthood in Washington state. As an educator, her role includes offering comprehensive, inclusive, and medically-accurate sexual health information to her local community and beyond. Most of her days are spent in the middle. and high school classrooms educating young folks about consent, relationships, birth control methods, STIs, gender, and more.
Kayla has been involved in sexual health education work since volunteering for Planned Parenthood as a high school student. She is particularly passionate about sexual health information that is free of shame and centres pleasure.
Resources and Links
https://plannedparenthood.org
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/139-safer-sex-stis-kayla-pottsMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 24 Aug 2020 - 57min - 518 - 138: [Personal Story] Pelvic Organ Prolapse – Erin
Once a casualty of prolapse, Erin is completely asymptomatic today. Having encountered this long before support groups and information was easily available, Erin was forced to learn how to help herself. After the birth of her fourth child, her body had surrendered.
Symptoms
In addition to incontinence, Erin explains the symptoms of prolapse as the feeling of a tampon falling out or sitting on a tennis ball. After being advised to live with her condition, Erin did some searching of her own.
Working Solutions
Her search led her to a biomechanist, marking the beginning of her recovery. One of the methods she discovered was the belly release. She notes the role of the ribcage and how important it is to select non-underwire bras to allow movement in the ribcage. Erin credits a book by Katy Bowman (available on Amazon).
Erin advocates walking and tackles the superficial elements of kegels, explaining how critical control is for this exercise. With unnecessary shame around pelvic floor prolapse, Erin encourages women to take look at recovery as very achievable.
Background
Erin Underwood is a functional movement therapist from Oregon that specializes in prenatal and postnatal health. She is passionate about education around pelvic floor and core strength and function.
She has studied biomechanics extensively and in addition to her in-depth yoga training has continued her education by certifying and training with the top minds in the country connected to pelvic floor and core wellness.
She currently is focusing on her local community by serving through workshops to the prenatal and postnatal community as well as local health care providers, providing them with the most up to date science broken down into practical and helpful tools.
Erin has four beautiful boys and, post deliveries has personally healed from a grade 2 uterine and grade 2 rectocele prolapses and a four-finger Diastasis Recti using all the tools she teaches in her movement therapy, which further fuels her passion for seeing women fully functional and getting all the information necessary to heal.
Resources and Links
Website: https://www.erinunderwoodmovement.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/erinunderwoodmovement/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erinunderwoodmovement/
Book by Katy Bowman: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A00CZIE/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/138-personal-story-pelvic-organ-prolapse-erinMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 17 Aug 2020 - 30min - 517 - 137: Dance, Flow State, and Sex – Ode Dixon
Flow State and Dance
3 years ago Ode discovered Flow – The Psychology of Optimal Performance and picked up dancing again after so many years of not dancing regularly. This reversed her stressed-induced high blood pressure diagnosis within eleven months. Now, she uses dance as a mechanism to help her clients alleviate stress-related anxiety that hinders performance, and to spark creative insight to problem-solving in various work, learning and life environments.
Flow State
Ode joins me on this episode and discusses using dance to access a flow-state. Her first experience with flow state was through dance. According to Ode, research shows that flow improves anything you apply it to.
While flow may seem a spiritual experience, Ode explains that flow is exhibited by highly successful people. For many of us, we would have heard it referred to as “peak performance.”
DOSE
As a testament to the success of flow state, Ode shares that it transformed her sex life with her partner. She explains that this is caused when neurochemicals are triggered when we move our bodies. The common chemicals released in the flow state are commonly called DOSE: Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphins.
Ode explains that the process involves the body going into a calmer state and then releasing “happy chemicals” so the activity you are doing is enjoyable. She reveals that the flow state can happen during specific activities. These are usually activities that require actively using your brain and using your senses to focus on the present. Dance is one such example.
“ Flow is intrinsically motivating” We learn that when we perform a certain action, it should be enjoyable and come naturally without being calculated.
Background
Specialist in deep embodiment, Afrojuju Dancer, peak performance researcher, and former bedside nurse, Ode has been using the tight link between beliefs and mind/body connection since she toured as a praise dancer with a prolific evangelical group partaking in missions across rural regions of West Africa for 10+ years.
She has been dancing since the age of 5, showcasing performances along the streets of her village with her dance groups. She’s vastly knowledgeable in various African dance styles, rhythms, movements and beats. She understands the neuroscience that underpins body movements and enhanced performance.
Ode holds 2 bachelor’s degrees – Management and Registered Nursing, an Associate degree in Social Works and a long-term mentorship under some of the world’s top Flow Scientists and researchers.
She lives in Naples Florida with her husband and 3 boys, avid anglers and boaters who love discovering the 1,000 islands that surround the SouthWest Florida Keys one island at a time.
Resources and Links
https://www.instagram.com/Odedixon1
https://www.facebook.com/odedixon
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/137-dance-flow-state-and-sex-ode-dixonMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 10 Aug 2020 - 38min - 516 - 136: Back into Dating – Marni Battista
Dating Again
Marni shares a great tip for figuring out what entering the dating world would be like. After gathering the stories we have about it in our minds, she suggests that we challenge the stories that could turn into fears or excuses. Her method is light-hearted and creative but really eye-opening!
Entering the dating arena after a while can require a bit of preparation. Marni recommends practising dating by targeting the areas you are less comfortable with like dressing or confidence. For those surviving divorces or reaching their golden years, Marni encourages you not to run away from dating but lean in and take a step in a direction that could lead you to happiness.
Marni shares advice on communicating openly as a vital element when dating to ensure both parties are clear on where each stand and if there are any concerns or issues upfront.
Dating While Parenting
She shares advice for parents in the dating world – advocating that time is separately allocated for dates and that your expectations regarding your partner’s role in your kids’ life are clearly voiced early on.
Where to Find a Date
If you are wondering where you can meet your perfect partner, Marni recommends Match.com. From her findings, dedicating at least 30 min a day to one chosen app should return decent results.
Beware of free apps like Plenty of Fish. Marni warns that these sites can be cumbersome. She mentions a few niche sites that you can find in the links below.
“Be the person you want to attract” Marni has experienced people unexpectedly finding partners within their current circles eg: work, clubs they belong to etc. She suggests dressing well and being aware of the habits and interests of people around you when you are looking for that someone special. A connection can happen in the most unexpected place.
You will also hear her view on matchmakers. She reveals the right age for trying matchmaking services and what people generally look for.
How Does Dating Work Today?
With men having to adjust to the times, Marni explains that their biggest fears include rejection and being perceived as predators. For this reason, women need to be much more direct about what they want.
Paying can be a grey area for many. Marni’s advice is fair and allows men to express their chivalry and for women to reciprocate in return when the time is right.
Safety
An absolute must is safety during dating. Marni shares some great tips in terms of defining available time upfront and not using your personal environment as a venue for your first meeting. Red flags include your potential date refusing a video meeting!
Dealing with Quarantine
Funny, thoughtful ideas given by Marni reveal how easy and special dating can still be if you are in quarantine. For those that just need to abide by social distancing, Marni suggests hiking or picnics within the rules.
Background
Marni Battista is a certified professional Dating and Relationship Coach and expert writer. Her work can also be found in Cosmopolitan Magazine, Yahoo! Shine, Huffington Post, YourTango.com, CupidsPulse.com, Men’s Fitness, Glamour and more.
She has also had appearances on major television networks, including CBS and ABC where she has been a guest on Loveline (filling in for Dr Drew!) and Dr Phil, on nationally broadcast radio shows, such as On Air with Ryan Seacrest, and on Youtube Channels, like Off Air with Sisanie.
Marni’s weekly dating and relationship podcast, “The Dating Den,” has more than 25k downloads per month and she was named one of the 10 Best Women’s Dating Experts by @DatingAdviceCom.
Resources and Links
https://datingwithdignity.com/
https://www.yourchristiandate.com/
https://www.fitness-singles.com/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/136-back-into-dating-marni-battistaMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 03 Aug 2020 - 43min - 515 - 135: Optimal Sexual Experiences – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz
In this episode, Dr. Kleinplatz introduces her findings around “optimal sexual experiences” based on actual interviews she performed. After much research, she shares these eight components couples need to have to eventually reach an optimal sexual experience:
1. Being totally absorbed in the moment
2. Sharing a connection with your partner
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
4. High levels of empathic communication
5. Fun, laughter, exploration and good risk-taking
6. Authenticity
7. Vulnerability
8. Transcendence
Her findings show that people begin to seek these experiences around their mid 50’s. Part of the process of discovery is unlearning much of what we know about sex growing up. Spontaneity arises as one of the behaviors to “unlearn “ as Peggy candidly shares her views on this.
Anyone can get there!
Peggy has found that people with chronic illnesses are enjoying magnificent sex! In an unexpected twist of events, Peggy’s co-workers proved that presumed stereotypes are false. She shares that consent is a major piece of the puzzle and contributes to empathic communication.
Peggy educates us about moving from good to magnificent sex explaining that getting to know each other on an ongoing basis builds trust to explore deeper levels of your relationship.
We learn about differentiation and how it impacts reaching optimal sexual experiences while identifying that therapy has to be customized to each individual.
To reach for the optimal sexual experience goal, Peggy highlights that respect for each other is crucial.
Resources and Links
Website: http://www.optimalsexualexperiences.com
Book: Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers (http://routledge.com/9780367181376)
Background
Peggy J. Kleinplatz, Ph.D., is a Professor in the Faculty of Medicine and Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training at the University of Ottawa, Canada. She was awarded the Prix d?Excellence in 2000 for her teaching of Human Sexuality. She is a Certified Sex Therapist and Educator.
She is the Director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences Research Team of the University of Ottawa and has a particular interest in sexual health in the elderly, disabled, and marginalized populations.
Kleinplatz has edited four books, notably New Directions in Sex Therapy:
Innovations and Alternatives (2012), winner of the AASECT 2013 Book Award,
Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures with Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D. (2006)
Sexuality and Ageing with Walter Bouman, M.D. (2015).
She is the author with A. Dana Menard, Ph.D. of Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers
In 2015, Kleinplatz received the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists Professional Standard of Excellence Award.
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/135-optimal-sexual-experiences-dr-peggy-kleinplatzMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 27 Jul 2020 - 51min - 514 - 134: Senior Sex – Joan Price
Senior Sex
Joan tells us that being a senior sex advocate is her third career. She lived as a high school English teacher until a car accident made her acutely aware of the privilege of being able to be and stay mobile. She tells us that insight inspired her to become a fitness trainer, group exercise instructor, and health and fitness writer. After falling into what she calls a “planet-shattering” romance at the age of 57, she understood that great sex was a crucial element of romance at any age. Her research into overcoming the challenges of senior sex and increasing the passion and intensity of senior sex revealed an empty market niche, encouraging her to jump into the market by sharing her own experiences and adding her own research to the topic of senior sex.
She explores the misconception that sex is no longer experienced in old. She says that many believe that when people are older, they give up their sex lives and take up crocheting instead. “I have nothing against crocheting,” she says, “but it’s not sex.”
Challenges of Senior Sex
Joan admits that senior sex is not the same as the sex people have in their twenties. Bodies age and change, and she suggests that our sexual history can impact our sex lives.
She tells us that many people presume their sex lives are irrevocably declining when their knee arthritis prevents their favorite position, they take too long to orgasm, their erections are unreliable, penetration can become uncomfortable or intercourse may not feel as good as it used to. Joan believes that hurdles like these can be overcome when they’re acknowledged out loud and discussed with our partners. She admits that sometimes these are medical issues, while others are best solved with creativity, research, and an enthusiastic partner’s work.
Responsive Desire
Joan mentions that many elderly men and women insist that their desire to have sex is gone. To combat this belief, Joan describes writing a blog post on hotoctopuss.com about the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Many people believe that if spontaneous desire goes away, they no longer want to have sex, but that’s inaccurate. Responsive desire, she explains, exists when your body begins to engage in sexual activities, and you slowly develop a real desire and passion for sex while you’re engaging in the act.
Spontaneous desire, where a person knows they’re aroused and wants to have sex actively, often fades with age due to the hormones encouraging sexual reproduction declining. People who only experience responsive desire claim that they never really care about sex until they’re actually doing it—at which point they care very much! Joan argues that this responsive desire is just as intense and valuable as spontaneous desire, it just appears during instead of prior to sex.
Joan’s webinars talk about communicating needs, knowing your needs, as well as scheduling sex, and creating responsive desire. She says that her books, blogs, and webinars help people respond to and understand their current needs and abilities, and guides people through the conversation.
Benefits of Senior Sex
Joan assures us that senior sex can be better than the sex young people have because the elderly know what they like sexually and in other areas, they’ve learned to communicate very well, and they’ve gained the perspective to understand many problems as easy to overcome or as entirely unproblematic. She implies that elderly men and women have outgrown the shame and reticence most young people feel about sex. In her work, she notices older people are better at truly focusing on the pleasure their bodies are capable of creating, while young people are often fretting about minor bodily imperfections or other insecurities instead of being fully in the present moment.
That isn’t to say no seniors have hang-ups about sex. Jane describes the prejudices her generation internalized about the topic. She informs us that her generation was told not to talk about or have sex until you’re married and that women who don’t have orgasms during intercourse—as most women can’t—were called frigid. She says she is currently working on a webinar to work through this process and help seniors find the words to talk about attaining great sex.
Scheduling Sex
Joan believes that especially for couples without spontaneous sexual desire, it can be sexually rejuvenating to set a date for sex. She explains that seniors can see that date on the calendar and that will cause them to think about sex more often. Scheduling sex also allows for planning the event with special underwear or a romantic setting or any number of other, enjoyable ways to improve sex and foreplay.
Joan suggests scheduling time to talk about sex and the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. She insists that this can’t be accusatory. It’s meant to inform your partner about your changing body and needs and to invite your partner to do the same.
Sex Surveys and Seniors
Joan has been disappointed by surveys surrounding sex, because they often don’t poll the elderly about their sex practices at all. When they do include the elderly, she mentions that they don’t ask the right questions. Usually, she says, they ask whether you’re sexually active, which is a nebulous term.
She believes it would be illuminating if people writing surveys would ask what kinds of sexual activities people are utilizing at different ages. On air, she considers that she could do some of this research herself.
Another worthwhile survey question Joan suggests is, “What is interfering with your sexual pleasure?” Joan suggests that trouble reaching orgasm, not having a partner, and not having a vibrator could all be included in such an open-ended question.
Losing a Partner
She says her book, Sex After Grief was written after she lost her great love. Joan found herself trying many, many things to try to come back to her sexuality after losing her husband. She recounts her journey and shares the methods others used to overcome grief. She explains that there are many ways to regain your sexuality after the death of a partner, and though no single path exists, this book will help you navigate the loss of your partner and the return to your sexual self with insight and compassion.
Sex in Nursing Homes
Joan has written some about sex inside nursing homes, where you’re kept apart from others, cannot lock the door, and are given no privacy. She says there are a few nursing homes where sexual rights are a priority, based upon the belief that assisted living home residents should not be treated as prisoners. She says that it’s important to research nursing and assisted living facilities to determine whether they have policies in place to enable sexual activity in their facilities.
Sexual Rights
She explains that it’s important for the elderly to discuss what sexual rights their partners have before their mental state deteriorates or their body becomes too infirm to allow sexual activity. She says that if their partner can’t provide sexual or romantic love, or they themselves are too senile to remember their spouse, it’s important to make decisions about whether their partners finding love elsewhere is blessed or discouraged.
Background
Joan Price is an advocate of ageless sexuality encouraging seniors to reclaim and rejuvenate their sex lives. A public advocate of senior sex since 2005, Joan has written five books to help and sexually engage seniors: Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty: How to Maintain—or Regain!—a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, Better than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, and Ageless Erotica.
Joan narrated and collaborated with Jessica Drake on her award-winning, explicit educational film “Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Senior Sex.” Joan maintains a newsletter and a blog on senior sex, and she created an entertaining, free webinar to encourage safer sex among the elderly.
Resources for Joan Price:
https://joanprice.com/
https://joanprice.com/blog
https://youtu.be/efGXHzf19Bs
http://eepurl.com/cx2Nab
https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/
https://www.hotoctopuss.com/senior-sex/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/134-senior-sex-joan-priceMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 - 40min - 513 - 133: Sexual Personality Types – Vanessa Marin
Vanessa shares that she’s always working to make people’s sex lives better, but the idea of forming a personality test for sex began from hearing her clients talk about sex in very different ways, inspiring her to take notes and investigate what people truly desire and require in their sex lives. These notes developed into a system that identifies 11 different personality types based upon what people need, want, and hope to get out of sex.
The Decompressor
Vanessa’s survey describes decompressors as people for whom sex is about stress relief, blowing off steam, and getting to that sense of relaxation that ensues once sex is over. She clarifies that people who use sex for this reason often talk about the joyful, restful afterglow than about sex or anything that precedes sex because reaching that state is their real goal.
The Explorer
Explorers are all about novelty in sex. They like trying new things and experimenting. She explains that this type doesn’t always enjoy everything they try sexually, but they still appreciate the novelty and variety of their experiments.
Fair Trader
For the fair trader, sex is all about reciprocity. They want a balance between giving and receiving in bed.
The Giver
She explains that the giver views sex as a gift that they give to their partner, and they enjoy giving much more than they enjoy receiving. They like focusing on their partner and their pleasure instead of their own.
The Guardian
Vanessa identifies guardians by their need to have safety and security around sex. She says they care very much about boundaries and enthusiastic consent in sex. She reveals that for some people, this emphasis on safety and consent is the result of previously enduring sexual abuse, but she admits that others simply like for sex to be safe and enthusiastically enjoyed.
The Passion Pursuer
This type loves pursuing all-encompassing, intense, passionate, and even animalistic sex. She says this type of lover is very in tune with the energy between them and their partners during sex, and she tells us they want to feel like time stands still, leaving only themselves and their partner in the world.
The Pleasure Seeker
For pleasure seekers, Vanessa describes sex as being all about feeling good. They care about the simple pleasure of enjoying their bodies interacting with someone else’s.
The Prioritizer
For this type, Vanessa explains sex must feel like a priority in the relationship. She explains that they need to feel desired by their partners, and to believe that their partners are not making excuses about being tired or too busy for sex. She notes that they value consistent, frequent sex and require partners who will work to keep sex a regular activity.
The Romantic
For romantics, it’s all about the connection they feel to their partner during sex. She continues to say it isn’t really about the physical act or the hedonistic pleasure for them, but the emotional bonding and intimacy that sex engenders.
The Spiritualist
Sex is about spirituality and connecting to a higher energy or purpose for spiritualists, Vanessa explains that for them sex is a transcendent experience.
The Thrill-Seeker
Thrill-seekers most enjoy sex that’s forbidden or taboo. They enjoy kink, power plays, dominance and submission. She says that if there’s a twinge of this is naughty or we shouldn’t be doing this, that thought only intensifies the sexual thrill-seeker’s enjoyment
Sexual Personalities in Action
Vanessa has heard all of these motivations for sexual activity in her practice, but she emphasizes that people will typically combine two to three personality types in their love lives. She describes the purpose of the quiz as a conversation starter that helps people understand their sexuality and learn how to discuss sexuality with their partners more clearly.
The decompressor, explorer, giver, and passion pursuer are what Vanessa sees most often, but she emphasizes that all of the personality types are very common.
An Online Quiz Can Help You Discern Your Type
Vanessa informs us that there is no need to read and reread descriptions to find out the sexual personality types of you and your partner. Her team is finishing up a quiz that can be found at vmtherapy.com to take out the guesswork.
She insists that her personality type quiz is meant to be lighthearted, but it can lead to genuine discussions and discoveries that can hopefully improve people’s sex lives.
Tricky Pairings
Vanessa affirms that it’s common for people in a loving relationship to have different sexual personality types, but she believes that all of them can work together, even if some pairings require more communication before sex to ensure mutual satisfaction.
She discusses that guardian types and the thrill-seeker can be a tricky combination to navigate because one wants regimented and well-guarded environments while the thrill-seeker aims to bring in more, new, different, and potentially dangerous activities. However, Vanessa mentions that people who are into BDSM are usually proponents of safety and enthusiastic consent. Under those or similar circumstances, she assures us that the guardian and the thrill-seeker can be a fantastic combination.
She also mentions that the pleasure seeker can be at odds with the spiritualist. She explains that the spiritualist wants to create a transcendent experience and basically leave their body behind, while pleasure-seekers are focused on enjoying their bodily pleasures of orgasm and sensual, very physical, touch. However, she insists that this pairing can work out by having conversations focused on finding ways for both of them to have their needs met.
Talking About Sex Types
One way that Vanessa suggests people can compromise about their sexual desire is to take turns while emphasizing their partner’s type during sex one day, and their own type another day. She also suggests that it could be fun to run through all the personality types and play with every manner of sex.
She mentions that taking the sex quiz and talking about it to your partner can be a fun and playful method of entering into a discussion that reveals each partner’s true desires and allows those desires to manifest in bed.
Background
Vanessa Marin earned bachelor’s degrees in Human Sexuality and Sociology from Brown University before attaining a master’s degree in counseling psychology. Her writing has been featured over 1,000 times in periodicals as prestigious as The New York Times; Allure; Lifehacker; O, The Oprah Magazine; Harper’s Bazaar; Refinery29; and Real Simple.
With her sister Jennifer and her husband Xander, she specializes in online courses like The Passion Project: A Couples’ Blueprint to Rediscovering Desire and Reigniting the Spark and Finishing School: Learn How to Orgasm.
Resources for Vanessa Marin:
https://vmtherapy.com/
https://vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-passion-project/
https://vmtherapy.com/how-to-orgasm
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/133-sexual-personality-types-vanessa-marinMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 13 Jul 2020 - 25min - 512 - 132: The Pleasure Gap – Katherine Rowland
Katherine explains her initial interest in sexual pleasure gaps began with her journalistic coverage of the search for a female version of Viagra. She describes being intrigued by the prevalence of the notion that there is something fundamentally wrong with women’s level of sexual desire.
She argues that feminine sexual desire is an ephemeral state that stems from myriad sources and appears as a final state that is or isn’t reached. She says it’s not a single trait that can be manipulated directly. Upon seeing this attempt to manipulate female sexual desire, Katherine began to interview women about their own sexual desires and what brings them sexual satisfaction.
Men and Woman Experience Sex Differently
In broad strokes, Katherine explains the Pleasure Gap is a measure of social inequality. She explains three intersecting ideas, the first being the differences men and women give in the accounts of sexual experiences. She says men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than women, they achieve orgasm more readily, and are happier with their sex lives overall. She also informs us that men feel less stress, pain, and anxiety related to sex.
By contrast, she tells us women commonly report low desire, absent pleasure, muted or unfulfilling orgasms, sexual aversion, and disinterest. She points out that women beat themselves up for feeling that way about sex. Katherine reiterates that these are common female experiences of sex, but women are prone to blaming themselves for their problems.
She suggests that even women who report some satisfaction during sex may not be experiencing the event completely. Katherine mentions one study in which 50% of female participants reported having an orgasm when the scientific monitors for orgasms indicated no orgasm had occurred. She says this suggests that women’s education about their bodies and their possibilities is distressingly subpar.
Female Sexual Dysfunction
Curious about this disparity in human feeling, Katherine shares that many women express sexual dysfunction, asserting that their genitals feel numb or dead, all while lab tests report ordinary, healthy function of those organs. In other words, she noticed that women were responding physically to sex without any pleasure or intimacy being experienced in their brains. She suggests that because the mental and emotional aspects of sex are so important to women’s pleasure, that medications that aim to help women enjoy sex by affecting their genital performance miss the mark.
Sex in Media vs. Sex in Life
The third gap Katherine mentions is the gap between the sex we’re sold in the media and the sex we actually want and find fulfilling in life. She suggests that our modern notions of a liberated identity suggest that women should want and exude sex constantly, but real women often experience the opposite reality. She suspects that the problem is rooted in the lack of education women receive about sex and pleasure.
Ms. Rowland also cites the stereotypes that men, the socially dominant sex, are supposed to desire lots of sex, while women are limited to being a gatekeeper restricting sexual access. Katherine believes that women need to be taught that pleasure is worthwhile and healthy so that they can feel comfortable exploring what gives them pleasure and allows them to enjoy sex.
What genuinely leads to satisfying good sex is intimacy, freedom of expression, creativity, safety, and being empowered to explore what genuinely turns you on.
The Effects of Sexual Trauma
Sexual trauma and abuse can also hinder women’s experience of their bodies according to research. She explains that women with this history may feel numb and distance themselves from the experience of sex or be hyperactive and hypervigilant during sexual encounters, leading to them feeling too stressed to enjoy sex. Women Katherine talked to also noted that women are inevitably objectified in pornography, which can lead to women objectifying themselves, instead of seeing sex as an avenue to express their own desire.
What Woman Want
She tells us that the scant research available on what makes good sex suggests that sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with the physical aspect of genitals coming together.
Feeling fully present and in the moment—often achieved through mindfulness and the like—and feeling overwhelmed and encompassed by their experience to the extent of forgetting about daily obligations are markers Katherine found in women’s reports about good sex.
Katherine also found women asserting a need for safety, and the need to feel confident exposing the full extent of their sexuality with their partner. She mentions that many women who discuss transcendent sex often describe it in spiritual terms – as if sex is a way to break into people’s spiritual interiors as a homecoming in the other person.
What Women Can Do to Improve Their Sex Lives
Katherine asserts that her book is not proscriptive, though she does provide resources for self-inquiry and erotic amplification. Katherine does suggest that women can try to shut off the external noise distracting them from sex as much as possible to increase sexual immersion. She also suggests that they can explore their bodies and fantasies to enhance their knowledge of their bodies and their sexual experiences.
Background:
Katherine Rowland holds a masters in Sociomedical Sciences from Columbia University. At the same university, she was a National Science Foundation Graduate Research fellow in medical anthropology. In the past, she published and served as the executive director of Guernica. She’s contributed to Nature, the Financial Times, Green Futures, the Guardian, the Independent, Aeon, Psychology Today, and more. She is the author of the Pleasure Gap.
Resources for Katherine Rowland:
https://www.katherinerowland.com/
https://www.amazon.com/Pleasure-Gap-American-Unfinished-Revolution-ebook/dp/B07RKW3FZ7
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/132-the-pleasure-gap-katherine-rowlandMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 06 Jul 2020 - 41min - 511 - 131: MS and Sex – Kimberly Castelo
Living with MS
Six months after her daughter was born, Kimberly stopped nursing, and soon went completely numb on the left side of her body. An MRI uncovered that she had 8 lesions on her brain, which she says led to a quick diagnosis of MS. While her MS has been in remission for 12 years, her prognosis could change at any time.
Despite her remission, Kimberly tells us that situations exist that can still trigger MS symptoms. She informs us that many people with MS have trouble with heat which affects her sight. Difficulty swallowing and walking and feeling a tingling along her body are also common, she explains, especially in the heat. At a psychological level, Kimberly reports that people with MS have to live with a great deal of the unknown, as they can’t guarantee their level of functioning from day to day.
Support for the Newly Diagnosed
Kimberly tells us that many support groups exist for people newly diagnosed with MS, some of which can be found in the Resources section of these show notes. She recalls when she was first diagnosed, she thought MS was a death sentence, which she now knows is incorrect. However, she counters that while MS doesn’t kill, it does hinder functionality, which she found devastating enough to trigger all the classic stages of grief. She attributes her acceptance of MS and her emotional recovery to the love and support of her partner.
Difficulties with Sex in MS
Ms. Castelo points out that many people with MS are depressed, which leads to wide usage of libido-lowering SSRIs. Even without SSRIs to reduce sex drive, Kimberly informs us that 85% of women and 90% of men with MS suffer from sexual dysfunction.
For both genders, Kimberly tells us about spasticity issues, generalized pain, and difficulty moving legs that can impede sexual function. Kimberly says that another common problem is that MS affects the bowels, causing some people to lose bowel control during sex.
She warns that people with MS can fall into having obligatory sex to please their partners, which she describes as incredibly damaging. She believes that sex should prioritize both you and your partner’s satisfaction, never just one person’s.
Kimberly explains that the partners of MS patients can suffer too. Many partners become caregivers, and amongst partners who become caregivers, switching hats to make sex possible can be difficult, especially when their partner needs a lot of care. Kimberly encourages caregiving partners to compartmentalize moments and force themselves to have fun and playful events as well as their required caretaking.
Another problem amongst caregivers that Kimberly sees in her practice is that people operating as caregivers often don’t share their own struggles. In those cases, she reminds caregiver partners that humans enjoy helping each other, and by not sharing their struggles, they are depriving their partners of that joy and intimacy. Helping partners with problems, she asserts, is also empowering to the partner with MS, because they are given the opportunity to be a caregiver as well.
Improving Sex with MS
Kimberly says that for people partnered with someone who has MS, it’s important to allow space for grief before they can begin problem-solving. After the grieving gives way to acceptance, she states that couples may be surprised to discover that sex with MS can create phenomenal sexual connections due to the incentive MS creates to explore new avenues of sexuality. It can even raise the quantity of playful erotic moments in people’s lives.
She describes her concept of daily erotic moments as simmering with her clients. Just like making a soup, she suggests that first, you get things started, then it starts to smell good, then better, and in the end, it’s so amazing that you have to eat the stew. She mentions that having multiple sexually intimate moments throughout the day can produce an identical effect.
Expanding the Meaning of Sex
Kimberly suggests expanding the definition of sex is important. She says it’s not just about genitals touching genitals. She says it’s about flirting, touch, cuddling, holding hands, passionate kisses, and learning to bring those acts to a level that facilitates deep pleasure and connection in both people. She teaches that slowing down sex to accentuate and be more mindful about each action increases the eroticism of life. She insists that sex can’t just be about genital-to-genital contact and orgasms.
Sex Therapists and MS
When you’re figuring out how to plan sex and keep it romantic, when is a good time to have sex to avoid fatigue, and how to get involved in sex in the first place, Kimberly says a sex therapist can help. She also suggests that sex therapists can help MS patients and their partners figure out how to really connect emotionally and share their sexual challenges with each other. She says sex therapists can help couples plan sex around the best times of day to avoid the crushing fatigue of MS. Despite popular conceptions that sex should be spontaneous, Kimberly says people with MS in particular need to schedule sex sessions.
She also warns that it can be difficult to cope with partners about the changing, day-to-day pains that people can feel with MS, but therapists can encourage communication, creativity, and being mindful and appreciative of sexual actions that don’t involve intercourse.
Background:
Kimberly Castelo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Certificated AASECT Sex Therapist, and a Certified ETF Couples Therapist. As a Certified Integrated Intimacy Professional, she believes in treating mental health in a holistic way, exploring individuals, couples, family systems, sexual health, medical issues, and spirituality to create a full picture of her clients’ lives and resources. As a woman who’s lived with MS for 13 years, Kimberly intimately understands how medical maladies can influence the mental health of families and individuals. This experience combines with her training to provide invaluable insight into relationships and sex.
Resources for Kimberly Castelo:
https://www.healingmomentscounseling.net/
https://www.nationalmssociety.org/
https://mymsaa.org/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/131-ms-and-sex-kimberly-casteloMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 29 Jun 2020 - 43min - 510 - 130: Sex and Orthodox Judaism – Dr. Shy Krug
Diversity in Jewish Beliefs and Practices
Dr. Shy describes Jewish law as a corpus of Jewish religious requirements. He explains that every aspect of life has regulations to help Jews proceed through life. He discloses that there are disputes within the Jewish community about who can interpret Jewish law, leading to different sects of Judaism being formed, each with their own practices. Dr. Krug reminds us that he can only share his own interpretation and some alternate views he’s encountered personally and professionally.
The Spirituality of Sex in Judaism
The doctor describes Judaism as a sex-positive religion that appreciates the human body and human experiences. He emphasizes that Judaism encourages its adherents to elevate the mundane and the physical to the holy through thoughtfulness, intentionality, and restriction. He says Judaism contains many laws and restrictions on sex that are meant to transform a potentially carnal act into a holy union that increases both people’s connection to each other and to God. He tells us that in the Jewish view, conceiving a child is an act involving three people: the man, the woman, and God.
He counters this interpretation of Jewish law by describing smaller, rarer sects that see sex as a necessary evil that should be experienced infrequently. He states that many people with this belief see sex as a necessary transaction that occurs within marriage.
The Sexual Power of Jewish Women
Dr. Krug mentions there is a Jewish law that requires men to satisfy their wives sexually. He explains that a man cannot demand sex from his wife, but a wife can demand sex from her husband. He clarifies that a man can tell his wife that he’d like to have sex, but compelling her to have sex isn’t licit. This imbalance of power can create tension when the man wants to have more sex than his wife, but he tells us Orthodox couples often mitigate this disparity by refocusing on sex as a holy and intentional act, rather than a purely physical drive. He implies that the absence of desired sex allows men to reinforce the intimacy and holiness of sex through the delayed gratification abstinence ensures.
Family Purity Laws
Dr. Krug describes family purity laws that require men and women to separate when the woman is menstruating. During menstruation and for seven days following her period, he says that Jewish men and women cannot interact sexually. Dr. Shy describes several protective barriers many employ to fulfill this law, like sleeping in separate beds, not sharing food from the same plate, not passing things to each other, and not feeling each other’s weight. When two people sit on the same couch cushion, he explains that they feel each other’s weight when they move; he informs us that Orthodox Jews avoid doing this during this part of a woman’s cycle to avoid the desire to touch each other that such closeness might incite. While the Bible does not give the reason behind these restrictions, he informs us that Talmudic sources extrapolate that physical distance encourages couples to focus on the verbal and emotional elements of their marriage and maintain the excitement of sex.
Premarital Sex
Dr. Shy asserts that premarital sex is prohibited in Judaism. He informs us that some Jews will avoid all physical contact with potential mates and many Jews avoid being alone with each other altogether. He informs us that in the most right-wing forms of Judaism, girls and boys are kept apart and schooled separately, allowing them to reserve all sexual education until their children are old enough to marry. Some Jews, he tells us, do have premarital sex and cohabitate with partners before marriage, but those practices are not widely accepted in Orthodox communities.
About Masturbation
While he admits that some Jews do masturbate or utilize pornography, he points out the clear Biblical prohibition of masturbation, which he defines as the spilling of seed to avoid pregnancy. By contrast, he explains that because women do not spill their seed, they are permitted to masturbate, but they are advised to restrict the frequency of their masturbation and focus on maintaining their marriage’s intimacy first and foremost.
Sex Ed in Jewish Orthodoxy
Sects vary in their approaches, but he describes the modern Orthodox sect teaches about sexual health, puberty, relationships, and communication in middle school. By high school, he informs us that students are educated about masturbation, pornography, and healthy sex practices. He says that modern Judaism acknowledges that people are sexual beings and that it’s important to acknowledge and understand human sexuality. He explains that marriage classes also inform the youths of the laws surrounding marital relations, family purity, and the ritual baths women must take monthly. He says that developing intimacy, foreplay, and discussing the origins of sex outside of the bedroom are also covered in these classes, though he tells us more right-wing sects will clothe the education in more modest language.
Condoned and Prohibited Sex Acts
While Dr. Shy clarifies that some rabbis condone sex acts like oral sex and manual stimulation as long as ejaculation always occurs inside the spouse’s vagina. He reveals that teachings vary with regard to women receiving oral sex, with some saying men can perform oral sex on their wives if it’s dark or he doesn’t look at her vagina. Dr. Krug admits that Orthodox Jews are often allowed to utilize sex toys and engage in manual stimulation. He emphasizes that the law that women need to be fulfilled during sex is so important that many rabbis will bend rules if it helps women achieve orgasms.
Laws about Homosexuality
Dr. Krug conveys general agreement that homosexual sex between men is prohibited, but even with that blanket prohibition, some homosexual sex acts are seen as more illicit than others. He explains that some rabbis will guide homosexual men towards performing sex acts that are less harmful because continuing practicing Judaism is considered more important than practicing every law successfully. Dr. Krug remarks that Judaism understands that people do not choose their sexuality, and rabbis do not turn people away for being gay.
What About Sexual Dysfunction?
Dr. Shy tells us that some Jews might go to their rabbi first when they struggle with some form of sexual dysfunction, while members of more liberal sects may consult their medical team first. When rabbis are faced with a man experiencing problems like premature ejaculation, he says they will understand it as a physical problem that can prevent procreation and as an issue that can forestall marital intimacy and spiritual health. As such, Dr. Krug remarks that many rabbis will relax the normal laws against things like masturbation for as long as the prohibited act is part of the man’s medical treatment.
Gentle Advice for Gentiles
Dr. Krug suggests that the intentionality and mindfulness surrounding sex can help gentiles improve their relationships. He gives the example of sensual massage, saying that being fully present while touching and being touched improves the act. In general, he believes that being motivated by the higher goals of emotional intimacy and the sensual act of truly being present for your partner can enhance sexual and emotional intimacy.
Background
Dr. Shy Krug holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Fairleigh Dickinson University and a B.A. in psychology with a minor in biology from Yeshiva University. At the James J. Peters VA Medical Center in the Bronx, NY, Dr. Krug parlayed his pre-doctoral internship into a two-year post-doctoral fellowship assessing and treating post-traumatic stress disorder and Gulf War Multisymptom Illness. Subsequently gaining a certificate in Sex Therapy from The Buehler Institute, certified training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, he is now a staff psychologist in the general outpatient department and sexual health clinic at the James J. Peters VA Medical Center, where he supervises and teaches the internship program. Dr. Krug also has a private practice in the Upper West Side of Manhattan where he treats sexual dysfunction, relationship difficulties, anxiety, and trauma.
Resources for Dr. Shy Krug:
http://www.drshykrug.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/130-sex-and-orthodox-judaism-dr-shy-krugMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 22 Jun 2020 - 47min - 509 - 129: Sex During Quarantine – Dr. Diana Wiley
Jessa and Diana feel compelled to note that this episode of the Better Sex Podcast was recorded on June 1, 2020. Diana suggests that quarantine’s stress of forced togetherness is hard for many couples. But in addition to that, she talks about how the recent murder of a black man by police has provoked riots in cities across the country, a political firestorm that only adds to the stress people are feeling during the quarantine.
The Rebirth of Ourselves and our Lovers
Referring to the work of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Dr. Diana saw the free time with our families as an opportunity to grant our relationships a second birth. She tells us that many couples haven’t had sex in a long time, and many have never been especially intimate with their partners. She recognizes both states as challenges that must be overcome to rekindle love and sex in relationships. That’s the reason she gives for publishing her book and the relationship-building tools that fill its pages.
Health Benefits of Sex
Dr. Diana educates us about the many benefits of sex and intimacy, telling us that having sex or touching your partner is scientifically shown to reduce stress. In her practice, she tells us she often recommends massage to her clients as a method to reconnect because massage lowers cortisol and adrenaline levels when certain pressure points are stimulated on the body. She also teaches that touch, especially sex and orgasms, relieves stress by releasing oxytocin, a neurochemical which increases bonding, is a natural sedative, and increases empathy.
Even masturbation reduces stress and has positive effects on health, Dr. Diana assures us. More surprisingly, Diana discusses that there are nonsexual self-touch exercises that also reduce stress and improve health. Unfortunately, she admits that unlike sex with someone else, the body does not release oxytocin during masturbation.
When it comes to how sex impacts the rest of people’s lives, Diana and her husband like to say, “It’s fun, it’s free, and it’s the fountain of youth,” about sex because having sex dramatically increases the feeling of vitality regardless of biological age.
Salvaging and Reigniting Broken Relationships
Dr. Diana claims to have written her book primarily to enrich people whose relationships are already doing well but want to take their intimacy to the next level. However, she acknowledges that some people are quarantined with unsuitable or violent partners, while others are cohabiting with a partner that they intended to break up with before the quarantine put the brakes on that process. For couples who were planning to break up, Dr Wiley suggests they come together and have a conversation about whether their relationship is worth salvaging.
For people who want to salvage or restore their relationship, she says the process of reigniting relationships begins with a conversation about what each person wants from the relationship. To help couples reconnect physically, she describes writing about lots of nonsexual touch exercises. After they become comfortable touching, Diana explains that they can set achievable goals like becoming great at kissing or having a make-out session. She says these actions and discussions can help reveal hidden desires and build the confidence needed to enter the marital bed and take time with sex. Dr Diana claims that the change in pace should increase the quality of their sex life. She reminds us that women tend to need twenty minutes of foreplay, oral sex, and penetration to reach orgasm and receive all the benefits of sex. She offers tools to accomplish this in her book.
Touching with Your Clothes On
In her book, Diana encourages couples to assess the intimacy of their relationship when they’re not having sex. She argues that couples probably don’t feel closer when they’re just watching TV together, which is why she supports intentionality about touch and connecting. She knows that not all families physically demonstrate affection, but believes that touching and hugs are irreplaceable glue for relationships. In her book, she writes that a seven-second kiss or a fifteen-second hug is enough to release oxytocin and create meaningful bonding on a daily basis.
The Sex Menu
One of the tools in Dr. Diana’s book is what she calls a sex menu. She describes the menu as a chart listing sexual activities and allowing each person to select a yes, no, or maybe reaction to indicate their desire for those acts. She says that many people get to anal sex and say no or maybe, but Dr. Diana reminds us that anal play doesn’t have to involve a penis in an anus. She describes rimming, which can be accomplished by moving a clean, wet finger around the anus, which stimulates nerve endings to create a very pleasurable experience.
Date Nights
In the second chapter of her book, Diana instructs couples to plan their date night at home. Under normal circumstances, she told people to have a date night one time every week, but with the forced closeness of the coronavirus quarantine, she believes having a date night twice per week is helpful. She says some of her patients believe that scheduling date nights would kill spontaneity, but Dr. Wiley argues that spontaneous sex is a Hollywood myth, and people need to put sex on the calendar. By scheduling sex, Diana claims that the partner with a lower sex drive can feel relieved because they know they won’t have to have sex until the marked day, which allows her to prepare herself for sex by reading romance novels, taking long baths, masturbating, or doing anything else that can increase her sexual enthusiasm. When that time comes, Dr. Diana believes that giving massages is a great way to start any sex session, because it allows both parties to be relaxed.
Dr. Wiley recommends that both partners discuss what they want from the evening. She claims that being sensual, considering all of our senses, is particularly helpful. She does admit there are limits to her book and her methods when she explains that resolving mental health issues and relationship tensions are necessary before increasing touch, as sex and romance are only truly effective for people who like each other.
Seven Secrets for Sensational Sex
1. Take care of yourself first. If you’re uncomfortable during sex, she advises telling your partner and making the sex better by avoiding discomfort.
2. Maintain and respect boundaries. She asserts the value of boundaries, saying it’s important to discuss what you do and don’t like, and to avoid pressuring each other into performing undesired sex acts.
3. Communicate openly and directly. Dr. Diana reminds us that no communication is clearer than spoken words.
4. Don’t take anything personally. The doctor informs us that sometimes people aren’t in the mood for sex or specific sex acts. She reminds us that there are any number of reasons this could happen, and it’s unwise to presume it has anything to do with you.
5. Focus on your partner’s pleasure. Diana’s husband expresses this as, “Worship your woman, and the goddess will reward you.” Though the phrase is gendered, Diana assures us the sentiment applies to men and women alike.
6. Don’t take each other for granted. Dr. Wiley says that expressing praise for your partner and growing in gratitude every day is a great method to cultivate life satisfaction and marital bliss.
7. Let go. Diana mentions that many women are very inhibited, which limits their ability to explore new things and enjoy sex. In her practice, as marijuana is legal in her state, she often recommends the substance as a method of pushing through inhibitions and having fun. She says that alcohol can serve a similar purpose, but it’s more harmful and not as useful.
Background
Diana Wiley, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a board-certified sex therapist, and a gerontologist. With over thirty years of experience helping clients navigate problems in their sex and love lives, she currently works with clients in her office in Seattle, WA, and via online telehealth sessions. With her radio show on Progressive Radio Network, “Love, Lust, and Laughter” she’s been reaching additional listeners and helping more people for a decade. She’s published two studies in medical journals on aging and sexuality and was appointed as a Clinton Presidential Delegate to the 1995 White House Conference on Aging. Dr. Wiley is a skilled speaker and has given lectures and presentations on Aging and Sexuality in Amsterdam, Paris, Spain, Japan, India, and at many US conferences. Recently she became the author of a book to help people stuck in quarantine called Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine.
Resources for Diana Wiley, PhD
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088TSNSPM/
https://www.deardrdiana.com/
https://drdianawiley.com/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/129-sex-during-quarantine-dr-diana-wileyMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 15 Jun 2020 - 45min - 508 - 128: ADHD and Sex – Dr. Ari Tuckman
To reach an ADHD diagnosis, Dr. Tuckman reports that a 45-minute interview is required. With the media coverage of young boys with ADHD, Dr. Tuckman says that most clinicians can diagnose childhood ADHD accurately, though he notes that girls aren’t diagnosed as often as boys. He suggests that clinicians might expect ADHD more often in boys than girls, leading to them not noticing the symptoms.
Ari says that adults with ADHD also have a harder time being diagnosed, partially because their symptoms vary a little. Grown men and women almost never display the hyperactivity of ADHD youths, he admits, but forgetfulness, poor time management, losing things, and high distractibility continue to impact people’s personal and professional lives throughout adulthood.
He shares that adults with ADHD frequently realize they have ADHD themselves in what he calls a two-for-one: Parents bring in their child for an assessment and realize they also display ADHD symptoms, leading to simultaneous diagnoses.
Adult women with ADHD can be particularly difficult to diagnose, according to Ari. He tells us that they often present with anxiety and depression, but he reports that most clinicians stop their analysis there, when the root cause of their mental anguish stems from poor executive function, poor time management, and other, similar symptoms of ADHD.
ADHD Symptoms
Dr. Tuckman explains that it’s easier for people with ADHD to maintain focus on more interesting activities and on tasks that have a strict, close deadline. Being consistent and reliable are difficult tasks for people with ADHD, admits Dr. Tuckman. In these scenarios, partners with ADHD often lament their lack of reliability, while partners without the condition hate seeing themselves turn into a nagging spouse.
Dr. Tuckman describes another scenario where one person who likes everything organized in a rational manner, marries someone who isn’t as attentive or consistent about item placement at home. He says this often becomes a power struggle when what is needed is a method of reconciling their differences by coming to a compromise. He informs us that partners with ADHD will genuinely commit to the compromise and will often fulfill it for a few days, but before long they get derailed by things like getting home late, work difficulties, or not sleeping well the night before. He adds that this also leads to nagging and relationship struggles.
ADHD or Simple Laziness?
Ari asserts that ADHD is characterized by a failure to actualize good intentions. He describes people with ADHD as genuinely intending to fulfill their responsibilities, and he tells us that they are aware of the positive and negative repercussions that will occur if they do or don’t—for example—take out the trash. They’re often angry at themselves for neglecting their duties and breaking their promises. Dr. Tuckman assures us that adult ADHD isn’t purely about forgetting to perform menial tasks. He says they often forget things that outright hurt themselves, like leaving their lunch at home. He contends that their good intentions and their tendency to harm themselves with their disease distinguish them from people who simply want to avoid housework.
Sex and ADHD
Ari relates that when he was researching his most recent book, he had 3,000 people fill out a form that covered their marital relationships and their sex lives. He found that most people with ADHD enjoy their sex life when they are having regular sex. Unfortunately, Dr. Tuckman discovered several barriers to intercourse including partners not having enough good feelings about each other and the couple not having enough time to have sex. The former problem comes from the power struggles described earlier, but Dr. Hickman describes the lack of time as resulting from getting distracted and consequently taking more time to do things.
The ADHD Sex Drive
Within the aforementioned survey, he placed several questions designed to measure the sexual eagerness of people with ADHD. By asking how often they masturbate, how long it takes them to get revved up, how frequently they would like to have sex, and similar questions he found that people with ADHD are significantly more sexually eager than people without ADHD. He theorizes that just as people with ADHD tend to be more influenced by what’s going on around them, they may also be more easily influenced by the regular thoughts about sex that float through their minds. He further theorized that having one member of a relationship respond to sexual impulses more strongly can help to maintain the couple’s sex life by incentivizing the intentional pursuit of sex in the relationship. Alternately, he admits that differences in sex drive can create a wedge between the couple.
Sexual Satisfaction with ADHD
Dr. Tuckman sees a lot of couples in his office who are struggling because the ADHD partner is male, and the increased sexual eagerness of his condition magnifies the already high male sex drive. He says this difference in desire combined with the way women frequently assume chores and tasks often leaves women in relationships with male ADHD patients exhausted and unhappy.
By contrast, he found that when women have ADHD, the couple has sex 25% more often than couples where the male has ADHD. He points out that men with ADHD tend to have the highest sex drive, while women without ADHD have the lowest sex drive—a situation that naturally causes conflict. However, Ari explains that women with ADHD and men without ADHD both sit in the middle of the spectrum, with sex drives that are more similar. He speculates that having a similar sex drive between partners may lead to happier relationships in general because the good feelings from sex spill into and enhance other parts of the relationship.
Treating ADHD with Medication
Ari says that prescribing stimulants to ADHD patients is an excellent idea. He informs us that the stimulants prescribed for ADHD are some of the most effective medications in psychiatry and they’re non-addictive if taken as prescribed. This is particularly important to Dr. Tuckman because untreated ADHD doesn’t just result in poor school performance, but also lowers lifetime earnings, leads to increased car accidents, and even lowers lifespan because of ADHD’s tendency to reduce a person’s self-maintenance abilities and its ability to reduce a person’s ability to seek and comply with medical advice.
Non-Medical ADHD Treatments
Ari tells us that a lot of great resources are published to help people and their partners cope with ADHD. Seeking out better methods to get things done, get organized, and get on top of things. He suggests that cognitive-behavioral therapy can also help some symptoms.
Navigating Sex and Romance
When it comes to romantic relationships, he maintains that both partners must come to an agreement that they both can accept. He emphasizes that this does not mean either partner should completely change and do things their partner’s way, as that is unsustainable and avoids the fact that healthy relationships involve a give-and-take that satisfies both partners. He points out that if your sex life is important to you, working on your relationship will help that out. Similarly, he asserts that working to have a better sex life will improve the nonsexual elements of your relationship too. He explains that it’s hard to have a truly intimate sexual experience with someone you’re mad at, but reaching a level of a deep, vulnerable union during sex absolutely colors the hours and days that follow.
Background
Dr. Ari Tuckman has a private practice in West Chester, PA where he specializes in diagnosing and treating adult ADHD. As a certified sex therapist, he also focuses on couples counseling and sex therapy. He frequently presents and co-chairs at CHADD, the national ADHD advocacy organization, and has been featured on CNN, National Public Radio, and several other media outlets. The author of four books, his most recent is “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship,” a title that explores the impact of ADHD on romance and sex.
Resources for Dr. Ari Tuckman
http://adultADHDbook.com
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/128-adhd-and-sex-dr-ari-tuckmanMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 08 Jun 2020 - 34min - 507 - 127: Talking to Kids About Sex – Amy Lang
Amy noticed that even she was having trouble talking to her own child about sex, and she imagined it would be even more difficult for people without her work background. She discusses the difficulty of discerning the right amount of information to share with kids, especially with the poor cultural examples in the US but reiterates that it’s crucial for parents to push through their discomfort.
Amy advises us to look at our own lives, our own sexual decisions and early relationships, and our current relationships to get a good idea of what can happen without quality education about sexuality and relationships. She emphasizes that sex and relationships constitute a lifelong social-psychological health issue and that parents can’t rely on schools to teach these things to their kids.
Sexual Health Requires Healthy Relationships
A lot of sexual health is about relationships, Amy asserts. She explains that many things can go wrong in relationships that will negatively affect the lives and health of people if they don’t know enough about what healthy relationships look like and what isn’t okay. Amy suggests that parents should want their children to grow up with a lot of information so that they can feel good about their decision-making skills and so that they can build safe, healthy relationships and quickly, correctly notice when relationships become unhealthy.
What Kids are Learning Now
Amy points out that most people are only getting educated about sex in the 5th and 9th grades, and neither of those sessions is comprehensive in any way. She explains that most young people learn the most about sex through pornography, sexualized entertainment media, and their friends. She points out that this gives kids a lot of very adult information about sexuality without providing them any context for that information.
Amy advises that parents contextualize pornography for children. She believes it’s important for kids to know that the models are acting, and they aren’t having real, normal sex.
The Limits of Sex Ed in Schools
Ms. Lang supports kids getting sex ed, even abstinence-only sex ed because that gives parents an opening to discuss the fact that abstinence-only education doesn’t work. She adds that it even lets parents talk about waiting to have sex until they’re prepared and able to make a mature decision with their partner. But she explains that schools can’t provide a values-based sexual education that aligns with the values of all their students’ families, schools can’t provide enough details about sex, and schools really can’t talk about how sex is pleasurable and not just about making babies.
How to Answer Questions
Amy tells us that a lot of questions kids ask can be answered simply and directly, but sometimes they’ll ask questions that are more sensitive. In those cases, she suggests admitting to your child that you’re not sure how to answer, and you need time to think about what to say. She explains that hot topics and questions about your own history can be dicey; she advises parents not to air their traumas to their children because she believes it’s important to talk about sex in a way that encourages them to have consensual, safe sex in a safe place.
Talking About Rape
She says that it’s easier to answer questions about difficult issues like rape and abortion if you already have created an early, strong base with your child about the fact that sex is healthy and fun when it’s consensual. When you have that background and talk about rape with your child, you can emphasize that sex is usually a happy thing adults do, but that sometimes people are bad and force others to have sex. She demonstrates that you can reassure children by saying that even though it’s a sad and scary part of life, it’s something they need to know about, and you’re glad they asked you.
Age Appropriate Conversations
She says that sex talk starts from birth in the form of discussing anatomy and sex differences directly and with correct terminology. Amy believes children should know how babies are made, how consent works, how families are structured, and what safe touch is by kindergarten, because when they’re that small, they are very curious and absorb the information naturally, and they haven’t yet learned enough of the negative aspects of sex to darken or pervert the facts of life. She highlights that early education about sex does a lot to protect kids from sexual abuse, which should motivate most parents to discuss the topic with their kids.
She mentions using the opportunities available to talk about sex in everyday life, from family members becoming pregnant or being gay to people displaying the signs of puberty. Amy discusses that it’s important to address puberty before they’ve completed the process, with 8 and 9 being her specific age suggestion. Parents can look for breast buds in girls to spot puberty, and she says in boys, parents with notice them becoming stinky.
By middle school, she believes kids should know the basics of everything about sex, the good and the bad. She suggests teaching them about oral and anal sex, about birth control, STIs, slang, and all about consent and healthy relationships. At this age, she explains that you want your child to be the smartest kid on the school bus so that they don’t internalize false information from their peers.
How to Start Sex Talks
Amy advises parents to talk about sex on car rides, where the kids can’t run away, but she also says that telling your kids you need to talk with them about a sex thing, and asking them if they want to do it now or later is a good tactic to ensure you have the conversation. She says that it’s often easy to observe the mood of adolescents to see when they’re most receptive and chatty, and those times are good opportunities to talk about sex. As eye contact is concerned, she admits that kids often don’t like it (especially boys), and it’s usually better to discuss sex with kids when you’re side to side. She tells us talking about song lyrics or news items with your kids can create good segues into sex conversations. However you do it, she reinforces the idea that you want them to be well-educated before their peers start talking to them about sex, love, and relationships.
Gender and Sexual Orientation Talks
Being careful with the language you use about LGBTQ+ issues is important to make certain your child feels welcomed no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity turns out to be. She recalls that with her own child, she and her husband always said things like, “when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend…” until the boy revealed his orientation and settled the matter. It’s important not to transmit prejudice for gay or trans people to your child, because doing so will make them feel alienated, and can even cause suicide attempts if they are LGBTQ+.
Young Girls Coming Out
In her professional life, Amy encounters a lot of stories about middle school-aged girls coming out as asexual or bisexual, and many parents ask her what that means. Amy suggests that it may be a result of our culture being more open. Sexual experimentation can be a normal, healthy developmental stage in kids that age, she explains, and some children will feel that doing those things makes them gay or bisexual, while others may be experimenting and exploring their sexuality. She suggests just waiting, always demonstrate your acceptance of whatever they may wind up being, and making sure your kid feels safe being themselves around you.
How Can Parents Learn to Support Their Kids?
Amy refers to her first book, Birds and Bees and Your Kids was written to help parents figure out their values surrounding sex and gender identity and how they want to talk about the issues. She also has a Solution Center on her website that provides lots of resources. It’s important to think about and prepare your responses in advance, she suggests, to communicate your values more clearly and concisely. She also says that the more parents practice by talking about sex with their kids, the easier it will become.
Background:
Amy Lang, MA has been a sexual health educator for more than 20 years. With a master’s degree in Adult Education and years of experience as a sexual educator, Amy decided to combine those two fields to help herself and other parents have those conversations.
As the host of Just Say This Amy helps parents learn to talk to their children about sex and values. She also authored two books to help parents and their kids navigate romantic and sexual relationships titled Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, Relationships and Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Date, Relate or Wait. Amy lives with her husband and teenage son in Seattle, WA, and can be found online at BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com
Resources for Amy Lang:
https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/category/podcast/
https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/
More info:
Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com
Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/
Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/127-talking-to-kids-about-sex-amy-langMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 01 Jun 2020 - 43min - 506 - 126: [Personal Story] – Playing with Fire – Camille
In this episode, guest Camille describes herself as a late bloomer that was always concerned about being romantically involved.
She attributes some of her reticence to being raised in a family that didn’t hug, cuddle, or verbally express love often. Later experiences encouraged her to openly express affection with her parents, but as a young person, Camille remembers thinking neither of her parents was suited to intimate talks about sex, love, and romance.
When Camille Meets David
Even when Camille knew boys found her attractive, she felt crippled by extreme shyness. She explains that things changed when she met her future husband, David. Because he was as awkward as she was, she felt they were perfectly matched. Though they were only 14, she claims they saw no reason to avoid sexual activity. She shares the journey of their relationship and experiences with other partners. She tells us about the regrets she gathered through those experiences including being objectified for her looks. After experiencing the world, Camille decided to honor David and their relationship by continually seeking a deeper intimacy with him.
Abortion
As a Christian who doesn’t support abortion, Camille is ashamed to admit that as a teen she planned to abort any pregnancies that might occur. While young, Camille believes she was too cavalier about the magnitude of what happens during an abortion, and she expects many people are the same today. She warns that abortion is a traumatic experience for a woman’s body that can even cause post-traumatic stress.
Intimacy Issues
Their relationship hit a hiccup early on as David desired sex more than she did, and she would often reject him. After realizing that she could make herself physically available to her husband with the aim of pleasing him, she found that this form of self-giving allowed true intimacy to flourish because it removes sex from the raw pursuit of physical pleasure and transforms it into a means of communicating and developing love and caring.
Teaching Kids About Sex
Camille explains that her views about intimacy were influenced by a course she took called Moms of Men. She wanted to raise her children to respect and avoid objectifying women. She also learned to teach her sons to avoid relationships that can’t lead to marriage, because when you date or have sex with people, part of you always stays with that person, making it impossible to give your whole self to your future spouse.
Camille also learned from Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, which taught her that sex is something that God intended men and women to experience, and that it’s good to talk about it openly. She believes that talking about sex is helpful in rearing children because it encourages kids to communicate with their parents about sex and love and it helps parents guide their children towards wise sexual decisions.
Resources for Camille:
https://www.messengercourses.com/moms-of-men
http://www.theologyofthebody.net/
Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/
Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/126-personal-story-playing-with-fire-camilleMore info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
Mon, 25 May 2020 - 41min
Podcasts similaires à Better Sex
- El Partidazo de COPE COPE
- Herrera en COPE COPE
- The Dan Bongino Show Cumulus Podcast Network | Dan Bongino
- Es la Mañana de Federico esRadio
- La Noche de Dieter esRadio
- Hondelatte Raconte - Christophe Hondelatte Europe 1
- Dateline NBC NBC News
- 財經一路發 News98
- La rosa de los vientos OndaCero
- Más de uno OndaCero
- La Zanzara Radio 24
- Les Grosses Têtes RTL
- L'Heure Du Crime RTL
- El Larguero SER Podcast
- Nadie Sabe Nada SER Podcast
- SER Historia SER Podcast
- Todo Concostrina SER Podcast
- 安住紳一郎の日曜天国 TBS RADIO
- TED Talks Daily TED
- アンガールズのジャンピン[オールナイトニッポンPODCAST] ニッポン放送
- 辛坊治郎 ズーム そこまで言うか! ニッポン放送
- 飯田浩司のOK! Cozy up! Podcast ニッポン放送
- 吳淡如人生實用商學院 吳淡如
- 武田鉄矢・今朝の三枚おろし 文化放送PodcastQR