Tell Me How You're Mighty: Real Talk About Cheating

In this episode we talk with blogger/activist Tina Swithin of One Mom's Battle. Tina acted as her own attorney in a high-conflict custody battle that turned her family’s life upside down for over a decade. While divorces are never easy, Tina quickly learned that a divorce involving a narcissist takes the term, “high-conflict” to a level that few can comprehend. 

Tracy and Sarah discuss the common, if depressing, problem of forgiveness and multiple D-Days. What does forgiveness mean? Is it essential to get over betrayal? Or can you move on quite fine without it? And how do you fend off forgiveness trolls -- the sorts who insist on forgiveness before you've even processed the offense? 

What happens when cheater true love goes splat? In this episode, we feature your Schmoopie stories of comeuppance and karmic reckonings. Like the tree that fell on the BMW. A biblical flood. A clever dragnet and the mistress laws of Thailand. If you're moving on from infidelity, the goal is indifference toward your ex, but sometimes you want to shoot that sweet schadenfreude straight into your veins. This is that episode.

Sarah and Tracy react to an article chiding mothers to get along with former affair partners, now wives, for the sake of the children. It goes beyond coparenting, and encourages friendship and socializing with your ex. Much skepticism ensues. Especially from Sarah who has lived experience of this particular dilemma. 

Ever wonder about the life of an infidelity advice columnist? This episode is an Ask Chump Lady Anything where Tracy Schorn takes your questions. How often do mistresses contact you? How soon do you tell someone you're dating you were once cheated on? Is too much chemistry a red flag? 

Tracy and Sarah snark at the self-declared "Infidelity Professor" Albert Arnaiz, who wrote the book SHICRET: How to Be Unfaithful Without Getting Caught. What can a man who looks like a human dildo in a salmon sports coat tell us about cheating? We have so many questions. 

Kathy Sherlock had a protection from abuse order against her daughter Kayden's father Jeff Manusco, who had a history of violence and mental instability. The judge allowed him unsupervised visitation. In October 2018, he murdered Kayden and hung himself. This case became the catalyst for Kayden's Law, which is pending in the Pennsylvania state legislature, to reform family law statutes where there are credible allegations of abuse. Sarah and Tracy talk with Kathy about how she fought to change the court system in her daughter's honor.

Trigger warning: This episode discusses domestic violence and the murder of a child. 

Tracy and Sarah take apart a recent People magazine "love" story entitled Cheating Saved Our Marriage! It's a common reconciliation trope that surviving infidelity makes marriages stronger. A claim Chump Lady likens to shooting off your kneecaps improving your tennis game. Enduring is one thing, improving is quite another. 

Sarah and Tracy discuss the UK cheating scandal of footballer Kyle Walker and his -- oops! -- second child with his mistress Lauryn Goodman. Betrayed wife Annie Kilner, who is pregnant with their fourth child, took Walker back after the first oops child with Goodman. But a second? Hey, he has no idea how this has happened! 

Welcome to a special Valentine's Day edition of Tell Me How You're Mighty! Sarah and Tracy discuss our worst Valentine's Days, smug coupledom, and a shared hatred of carnations. We read submissions from the Infidelity Valentine's poetry contest, where cheaters are immortalized in verse. (One submission is even a punk rock song.)  

Worried someone might be cheating on you? Got a controlling partner and the feeling that you're under survelliance? Going through a messy divorce? You may want to consider hiring a private detective. In this episode Tracy and Sarah talk with Kenneth D'Angelo, a private investigator with 31 years experience. We discuss double lives, money trails, debugging, and how to catch a cheater. 

It's hard to be cheated on. It's even harder when your faith community blames you for it or thinks divorce is a bigger sin than the cheating. In this episode, Sarah and Tracy talk with Rev. David Derksen, a prison chaplain, Yale Divinity school graduate, and creator of the DivorceMinister.com blog that helps victims of infidelity navigate spiritual abuse. 

Sarah and Tracy respond to a recent Chump Lady post "10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaitfhul Spouse." Unlike a reconciliation article, these are actual questions you should ask, but will probably not get an honest answer to. "Do you buy sex?" "Did you use protection?" and "Did anyone get pregnant?" are a few we cover. We also celebrate a story of mightiness this week from a chump who went into business for herself. 

Shani Silver, TikToker, author of a Single Revolution, and the podcast A Single Serving, is a unique  voice of support, shedding the societal shame around singlehood. With Sarah and Tracy, she gives a snarky take down of dating culture, the misogyny of "He's Just Not That Into You," and the cringiest thing anyone has ever said to her about being single. She also reacts to the FW of the Week -- an ex-boyfriend who demanded last year's Christmas present back.

Happy holidays! Sarah and Tracy take your recordings of the Worst Holidays Ever spent with fuckwits. A hooker named "Holly," passive-aggressive presents, and appalling behavior -- cheaters make for terrible partners, but great gallows humor material. If you're feeling blue this holiday season, warm yourself by this fireside of dysfunction. 

Sandra Brown is a pioneering therapist in narcissistic abuse recovery and the author of 12 books related to pathological love relationships. She talks to Sarah and Tracy about how to recognize dark triad personalities and why such people make dangerous partners. Her advice: it's a fool's errand to do therapy with abusers -- they don't change. But you can. 

Imagine going through infidelity, rebuilding your life, only to have your home invaded. Sarah and Tracy talk with Darlene, a mighty woman who has done many mighty things -- raised four successful kids, left a Jesus cheater, and fought back when a thief tried to rob her house. Darlene reacts with advice for FW of the Week -- a woman who was caregiving her mother-in-law while her husband was cheating. 

After 21 years of marriage, one day therapist Vikki Stark's husband walked out on her. Unbeknownst to her, he'd been having an affair for six years. She thought they were happily married. The experience changed her life and her therapy practice. "He inadvertently gave me a gift. When I scraped myself up off the floor, I knew I had to help other women pick up the pieces and rebuild a better life and that has been my mission ever since!"

Sarah and Tracy ask Vikki about recovering from abandonment, her book, Runaway Husbands, and Vikki weighs in on the FW of the Week. 

How do you know if you can mediate a divorce, or if you're dealing with a high-conflict individual and it's going to court? Tracy talks with family law attorney Regina DeMeo about all things messy divorce: custody, litigation abuse, and infidelity. This is an earlier recording, broadcast for a special edition of Tell Me How You're Mighty. 

How to have hard conversations with kids about divorce and separation -- Sarah and Tracy talk with parenting expert Sue Atkins on being age appropriate and resisting the urge to "slag off" the offending ex. Sue tackles hard questions about explaining abandonment to a three year old; a teenager who won't speak to her father; and the frustrations of working with Disney parents. Bonus: She takes on the FW of the Week -- a man with an obnoxious tattoo.

Sarah and Tracy react to three FW of the Week submissions -- a woman whose husband suggested a "quad" with his current affair partner; an unwanted gifted Esther Perel book; and a Texan who GPSed her husband's car and broadcast the discoveries. 

Our guest Jenny Ball had four kids under 10 when her husband walked out for his affair partner and then later quit his job. At one point, she was owed $40K in back support. Jenny sold stuff on eBay to survive, had her house foreclosed upon, filed for bankruptcy and needed food banks to feed her children -- experiences that inspired her to create a support community for other single moms -- The Happy HausFrau Porch. 

People know Dave Jackson as the founder of the School of Podcasting, an author,  and member of the Academy of Podcasters Hall of Fame. But he's also a regular guy who's been through some hard stuff and come out the other side a compassionate person with a killer sense of humor. Sarah and Tracy talk with Dave about being chumped, divorced, and the final indignity -- getting car jacked. Bonus: Dave weighs in on the FW of the Week -- a man who disappeared while his wife was in labor. 

Sarah and Tracy take on the established save-your-marriage advice of the 180, a term coined by therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis of "Divorce Busters" fame. Gutted by betrayal? Be cheerful and attractive! Never ask questions! Don't be angry! Pretzel yourself into pleasing shapes to win a cheater. Contrary, inauthentic, and just weirdly misogynistic, we wonder is the prize worth it? 

We talk with Dr. Omar Minwalla, who is unique among therapists for calling cheating a "deceptive sexuality" problem. Dr. Minwalla is a psychologist and founder of The Institute for Sexual Health and the author of the "Secret Sexual Basement." We talk about trauma and the conventional victim-blaming discourse around infidelity. And what lurks in those subterranean hideyholes. 

Tracy and Sarah speak with Martina, a woman who divorced her cheating husband, gained a life -- only to receive a terminal cancer diagnosis a few months later. She's still here. Solo parenting her teenagers, riding horses, having adventures, and crossing many things off her bucket list. It's an emotional conversation about abandonment -- and getting your life back -- however long that is.  

Diane Strickland started the website YourStoryIsSafeHere.com to help wives and partners traumatized by men called sex addicts. She challenges the notion that such women are "codependent," but rather abused. Diane is a trained Canadian trauma specialist, critical incident responder, ordained pastor and was also once chumped in her former marriage. She took the skills she learned as a counselor to help others deal with their double life discoveries. Diane talks with Sarah and Tracy about codependency, productive anger, tone policing, and the sex addiction therapy industry. 

Dr. George Simon is a psychologist and best-selling author who's been decoding manipulation for over 30 years. Tracy and Sarah ask him about his work on "character disturbance" and Dr. Simon answers a listener's question about being estranged from her family after they sided with her abusive, cheating ex-husband. 

Sarah and Tracy talk with Nancy, a woman who pulled up stakes for a new town, a new career and a new identity after her divorce -- moving to the other end of the country to take a job as a resident "dorm mom" at a boarding school. With food and housing covered, she pocketed her paycheck, traveled on the weekends, and rebuilt her life. Her mantra: "Eat my sparkle dust!"

After Christina Pavlina went through her own divorce, she helped create a nonprofit to make it easier for women to navigate the process. Pavlina is the cofounder and the executive director of Jane Does Well, a national outreach organization. Beyond social meet-ups, single mom support groups, yoga, and divorce education workshops, Jane Does Well also advocates for legislation and changes to make the family courts more accessible and fair to women. Mighty!

A woman calls in whose husband of 30 years walked out on her before Xmas -- after his mistress gave him an ultimatum. She wants to know -- was he a nice person who turned nasty? Or was he a terrible person all the time and she was completely mistaken about a man she spent three decades with? Tracy and Sarah untangle the skein of abandonment. 

Sarah and Tracy discuss being public with their chump stories. Guest Paul Doncaster takes mightiness to a new level when he tells his D-Day story "The Stranger" at Moth Radio storytelling contest in front of a live audience. And his ex turns up with her boyfriend! 

Sarah and Tracy discuss the ordinary people they've met who've impressed them with their extraordinary resilience. Teasers for mighty stories to come!