Time After Time

Happy Wednesday one and all, and welcome back to Hallmark land, where usually the tradeoff for some light misogyny and predictable dialogue is a straightforward romance ending with a beautifully chaste kiss. But alas, just when you think they'll zig, they zag. Or really, I guess the 10th time you think they'll zig, they zag. So join us as we try to parse through all the romances in this late, great film (you'll get that later) and also do some Terminator world building before going down quite the rabbit hole trying to figure out why this movie couldn't handle an attractive lady simply doing her job. Oh, also, Helena carves out an entire section of the podcast to discuss what the movie got right and wrong about living in Midcoast Maine. Get excited.

Also, get excited about us generally and like and subscribe and all that. Thanks. 

Eyy! We’re walkin’ here! This week, we take you to the magical land of Queens, New Yawk, a fictional place where the Northern Lights are often visible and you can talk to your long-dead dad—but only if it’s about sports! Tune in to learn about how Dennis Quaid decided to spend his COVID quarantine (whatever you’re imagining, we guarantee you’re wrong!) and hear us discuss the rampant copaganda that pretty much ruined this one for us. Also, find out if Paige knows what baseball is! Let’s go Mets!

If you’d like to take US out to the ballgame, you can let us know by rating, reviewing and/or subscribing!

Do you like this podcast but wish we would dig deeper and answer life's major questions, such as: Do Legos have free will? And what are the Gender Politics of Legos? And, most importantly, will Paige ever stop trying to explain the plot of Happy Feet? Well then, this is the episode for you. Luckily, for this journey, we are joined by friend, lawyer, and Lego enthusiast, Max Reinhardt! Listen in to hear about an unnecessary sequel with some fun time travel reference points and inconsistent plot devices. 

Follow Max's fun food-inside-other-foods instagram @foodie_inside_jokes and his weekly Spotify playlist here. 

Also, rate, review, and subscribe to us.

Happy 2023 timesluts! Welcome to a new year, a fresh start where are you finally free of Christmas magic and time loops that only come in packs of 12. We celebrate this clean slate with a new movie centered on the very modern technology of the cassette player. You know, that thing everyone is still apparently using in 2022 like it's no big deal. Spotify, who? Well, at least Danny Glover is here too. 

Once you've pressed pause, or stop, or whatever the button is on cassette players, you can then find the rate, review, subscribe buttons. They exist if you believe in the power of the mix-tape hard enough. 

Merry end of Christmas season to you and yours! We hope you're enjoying the weird period of life between Christmas and New Year's right now and that no one's making you work too hard. We wrap up our Christmas time travel romance season this year with an ABC Family classic starring people who were relevant 10-20 years before this movie came out! This is our second "12 Days of Christmas" song themed time loop movie of the cycle, so its like...are we in a time loop now? Have the loopers become the loopees? And, if we're not stuck in a time loop, why does Paige keep bringing up the TV show, Suits? 

Now we move on to the part of the loop where we ask you to rate, review, subscribe, etc. 

What are you willing to risk for one more espresso/ex-presso kiss? This is the big philosophical question at the heart of this week's podcast as we discuss yet another Hallmark time travel romance Christmas spectacular, Just in Time for Christmas. Some other less important questions that we try to answer for you: Does Christopher Lloyd belong on Rachel McAdams Court of Time Travel Icons? Is William Shatner good at acting? Why do people in these movies keep insisting people who think they have head injuries should go to sleep? And will Hallmark ever let a woman get over a man? Grab some hot cocoa and tune in to find out. 

While waiting for the cocoa to get hot and then slightly cool down, take a moment to rate, review, subscribe, etc. 

On the Third Day of Thanksgiving Weekend, this podcast gave to me: 2 Blonde Love Interests, 1 Molly Shannon, and a USA network original Christmas time-travel movie. Did you like that? One of us worked very hard on it to make up for the terrible audio-quality on this podcast episode, recorded from our respective parents' houses on the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, when every podcast-host is at their most potato-y. We hope you GOBBLE this up, anyway. Also, we got got, and he does not end up with either of the identical blonde love interests. Or Molly Shannon! (Paige, and only Paige, was really rooting for that.) We discuss all of this as well as ya know, capitalism and how the idea of nuclear family takes away from us caring for our community at large, and we also find time to take a trip down memory lane to name a bunch of USA original shows that may or may not have existed during our lifetime. Enjoy! 

Not that we really care, because potatoes don't care about these sorts of things, but if you want to rate, review, subscribe, etc, you can. 

We did, we did, we did. We watched this Hallmark classic that sadly did not have the budget to put in the Abba song that shares its name. Don't worry, we still sing it for you though. We also sing the Skyrizi jingle because it is both the jingle for a medication that treats severe plaque psoriasis and Paige's absolute favorite song. We also talk a lot about this movie and all the great art that it maybe purposefully but probably accidentally references such as When Harry Met Sally, Sex and the City, Into the Woods, and, most importantly, Rugrats in Paris. Also, wellness grifts and skinny jeans.

When it comes to rating, reviewing, and subscribing, we say: Do it, do it, do it. Thanks, thanks, thanks. 

We are cool. We are hip. We are the moment. Listen along as we discuss this extremely recent Peacock release starring the charming Kaley Cuoco and Pete Davidson. There is lots to unpack, including a time-travel tanning bed, a lot of metaphors around self-harm, and our first voluntary time loop. Also, content warning: you wouldn't know it by its cutesy trailers, but this movie discusses suicide a whole lot, and we discuss that discussion within the episode. Also, despite our best efforts, we cannot seem to escape the inevitable discussion about what Pete Davidson's whole deal is, so if you don't want to listen to that either, no hard feelings. 

Rate, review, subscribe, etc. But actually. 

Welcome to the Mark Ruffalo fan club's official podcast! Not really, but you'd sure think so with how much time we spend thirsting over him in this episode. Joining us on our journey is one of our best friends and yet another guest who claims to be the #1 timeslut, Grace Experience! She is an icon, a star, a friend, a lover (not of ours, but like in general), a mother (in the metaphorical sense), and, most importantly, a Scorpio. Join us for a truly great time talking about this very good movie that no one saw! It features so many people you know and a reunion between Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner, previously seen melting hearts in the time-travel rom-com classic, 13 Going on 30.  It also stars Ryan Reynolds and Zoe Saldana, who convince us that not only is time travel real, so is love. 

You know what else is real? Ratings on your podcast app. No matter how much we pretend they're not. So rate, review, subscribe, etc.  

There's a review of this silly, dumb, delightful movie somewhere in this podcast episode. However, you will have to wade through a lot of  Jonathon Bennet engagement content to get there. Also, we've peppered in a few too many references to old episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race. Double also, this movie inspired a new subsection of our "Ladies, did we just time travel back to the 1950s?" section that we're calling "You Won't Break My Soul". If you don't know where we're headed with that, you have not been listening to enough Beyoncé and are a bad feminist. Release your job. 

Don't quit us though. Rate, review, etc. 

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENGAGEMENT VIDEO HEARD AROUND THE WORLD.

Welcome to Time After Time, which has now become exclusively about how much we love Gerard Butler. That’s a change you weren’t expecting? Well, neither were we, but sometimes the timeline changes. Anyway, this movie boasts a lot of big names and an even bigger budget, so the fact that you’ve never heard of it really tells you all you need to know, but you can still listen to us talk about it for over an hour if you want more details on how and why it flopped so hard.

Between listening to this podcast and watching every Gerard Butler romcom you can get your hands on, please rate, review, subscribe, etc.

Welcome to the worst thing that these two podcast hosts have ever seen. And we've watched so many terrible Hallmark movies. Luckily, we can make lemonade out of these cave lemons by talking about it with our very special guest, Morgan Fecto, one of Helena's oldest friends who refers to themselves as "the world's biggest timeslut". Today we learn that in 1985 not one woman wore a bra and the army made caves shake a lot, which apparently sent a terrible, terrible man and all of his pairs of underwear back to 25,000 B.C.E. to learn absolutely no lessons about anything. Don't watch this movie! 

Do rate, review, and subscribe. Especially if you also want to vie for the "world's biggest timeslut" crown. Pageant announcement coming soon. 

Welcome to Before You Say I Do, a middling Hallmark romantic comedy that begs the question, "Do yellow light wishes come true?" and "Why are we pretending yellow light wishes are a thing?" Join us as we try to answer these questions as well as determine if a relationship is worth literally anything at all if it doesn't end in marriage. Also which characters in this movie have a death wish and the surprisingly delightful history behind the Budweiser "WASSSSUPPPP??!?!" ad campaign. 

We love you, but we won't pressure you into marriage. Just into rating, reviewing, and subscribing wherever you get your pods. 

And we're back! A couple European countries and one Covid quarantine later, and we are rarin' to go, with more useless facts in Blast From The Past than ever before! But also a lot of social context for the Mark Twain novel that the movie truly does not care about giving to you. Also, a mini-review of the not-quite-time-travel-but-almost 1930s movie, Just Imagine. Find it on Youtube, kids. 

Lastly, here's an article that gives even more context to the crazy story about Bing Crosby dating a lady who went on to marry his son:

https://www.newspapers.com/clip/34936579/pat-sheehan-will-marry-dennis-crosby/

If that doesn't earn us a 5-star rating, we give up. 

As discussed in our 50th Episode Celebration, we were busy being world travelers, so this week's episode is a re-release. And, of course, it had to be Shrek. See you with new content in two weeks! 

Original Episode Info:

It feels like the entire podcast has been leading to this moment. We finally get to talk about the Academy Award winning Shrek saga. We specifically get to talk about the time travel antics and romance in the final (maybe? for now?) installment of the series, Shrek Forever After. This movie was truly a delight, and we hope that delight seeps right on through this episode and into your ears and then your brain and makes you happy and also an ogre. YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. Also, if your fave part of the podcast is when we burst into song or go down rabbit holes about how to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, boy howdy is this the episode for you.

Sorry this episode is late due to some technical/life glitches, but IT IS WORTH THE WAIT! We are throwing a very structured party! For ourselves! With just us! That you get to listen to! This is our 50th episode, so rather than watch another CBS made-for-TV movie, we're going to go through some overarching rules of the pod that would improve all time-travel romance movies and maybe all media in general if PEOPLE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO US. But they won't. Is it because we're the only people brave enough to stand up to the Bill-Murray-Industrial-Complex? Who knows, but probably. 

After that, it's the moment you've all been waiting for as we finally do a close reading of the lyrics to the song Year 300 by The Jonas Brothers (and also some band named Busted apparently). Does this song hold up to scrutiny? Is there such thing as an amphibious Delorean? Which 2/3 of the Jonas Brothers do we think care about climate change? Listen to find out. 

Also, we sweat through 50 episodes (usually literally; you have to turn off the AC unit when recording a podcast), so reward us with a rating/review wherever you're listening to this. It's something we very recently decided to care about, so do it. Thank you. See you on the other side. 

Today we dive into a made-for-tv movie starring your mom's favorite tv hunk, Mark Harmon, as a fuckboy going through a midlife crisis. We watched this film filled with terribly problematic nostalgia so you don't have to, and you should reward us by listening and also reviewing/rating wherever you get your podcasts, because almost two years and 49 episodes in, we decided we're going to start caring about that. 

Speaking of, stay tuned next episode for a fun-filled 50th spectacular! How time flies! 

Helena has Covid and the only cure is...more time travel romcoms of course! (And medicine; we believe in medicine.) This fun time travel romp has everything: a pretty lady, a cute dog, and a lesbian graveyard time-travel witch. Unfortunately, it also has some inconsistent rotting fruit and a bunch of fatphobia. Oh well, you can't have it all, but you can have a lesbian graveyard time-travel witch, and maybe that's enough. 

"I'll be back." -- What Michael Jalkio must have said after our Premature episode, because, he is, indeed, back! Thank goodness! We needed his expertise in coding and California to tackle this little-known movie about a cyborg hanging out in Los Angeles. You will learn everything you never wanted to know about the making of this film, which actor had their eyebrows insured, and just how many women involved in this film went on to marry James Cameron. (Hint: It's more than 1.) We also do eventually get to the substance of this film, which is fun! And full of cool lady characters! And mind-bending cyclical time-travel! Come with me if you want to live! And by "come with" obviously we mean "listen to", and by "me", obviously we mean "this podcast episode".

Get your bear costumes and magic squirrels ready, because we're swirling around in our Hot Tub Time Machinethis week. Join us as we slog our way through the seemingly endlessly gay jokes to try to find the fun promised by the title and premise. 2010 was a hard time. Find us on Lougle.

Well, we avoided it for as long as possible, but it turns out, all roads lead back to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, or MCU as the kids call it. Luckily, queen of time travel and our hearts, Rachel McAdams, is here to help ease the transition as she once again waves bye bye to a man she loves as he gets to galavant through time. There is so much to discuss in this film, from the problematic Nepal of it all to the time-traveling apple that is going to ruin Paige's marriage. And did you know that Benedict Cumberbatch is a huge weirdo? More on that inside. 

Please come on in to our big science company offices as we review what may or may not be the first ever time loop story in the history of the world this week! If you are an eagle-eyed timeslut, you will observe that the movie we are reviewing this week, 12:01, came out the same year as Groundhog Day and, apparently, it was a whole thing. We discuss all of this as well as women in STEM, sexually-harassing girl bosses, and a shockingly unproblematic romance that starts with some light stalking and murder. Enjoy! 

It's our first two-parter! How exciting 4U! We're back with Tree and Carter and all our friends, who seem to have aged two years over night, but that's somehow not the most confusing time-related lore going on here. Buckle in, it's a long ride, but we have lots of fun talking about if you should kill your parents for your college boyfriend. 

Content Warning: There's a suicide montage in this movie that we discuss for a few minutes around 44 to 46 minutes in. 

On Monday the 18th, we celebrate the birthday of both Theresa "Tree" Gelbman AND, more importantly, the birthday of her death-fueled time loop! This little time loop is truly a bundle of joy and has that new time-loop smell that we just can't get enough of. Anyway, this movie is a near-perfect combination of time-loop hijinks and murder-mystery hijinks, so enjoy! And don't take a lady to Subway on your first date! 

You know that classic thing where your husband cheats on you in 1979 so you get back at him by bragging about this hot guy you're seeing in 1899? But then you find out your 1899 boyfriend is going to die if you don't get this magic dress on fast enough to stop a duel? Tale as old as time. Come on this classic journey with us as we discuss whether Jennie is time traveling or just spiraling, whether this 1899 dreamboat is really just an old-timey fuck boy, and whether we will ever be able to see cookie jars the same way again. 

Paige finally convinced Helena that ONE movie of the most popular time travel trilogy of all time fits into our "time travel romance" genre (emphasis on the ROMANCE). And boy, howdy, are we both glad she did. Did you guys know Back to the Future movies are good? And that good movies are fun to watch? Wild. We learn new things every day during these unprecedented times. Also, Paige would like to take this moment to apologize in advance for mispronouncing Mary Steenburgen's name over and over and over again. She is one of our time travel queens, so there is really no excuse. Except that these are unprecedented times, ok? 

Are you already in your post-holidays slump? Well, fear not, because it's time to travel back in time to when it was still Christmas so we can bring you one last Christmas magic-filled time travel romp. Yes, that's right, carol-ers and all. Because who doesn't love a good carol? Honestly, your hosts. Nor do we really like all the preachy "back in the good ol' days" themes of this movie, but hey, what would the holidays be without some inter-generational passive aggressive cracks about tradition and the youths? 

Happy Second Covid Christmas everyone! Merry Maskmas! Hope you are all staying safe, and we all know the safest activity during the holidays is to sit by yourself and listen to a podcast, specifically this podcast. And as our holiday gift to you...WE HAVE A NOONER! Woooo! Yes!!!! This movie is so bad that Paige at the end has to convince Helena to change her rating from 12:00 to 12:05 just so y'all don't have to gouge your eyes out if you stumble upon this movie. But the ways in which it's terrible all make for great conversation fodder, and we are honestly very funny in this episode. We made each other laugh all the live-long day. Also, another present because we spoil you so, you get a mini-review of a SECOND movie halfway through the episode, the ho-ho-holiday classic, Ocean's 11! Buckle up, because even if we don't make you laugh, we also won't make you cry. And, apparently, that's enough. 

Choo Choo! All aboard the Christmas train! It's that special time of year again, when all the time travel is fueled by Christmas magic and the lesson to be learned is always about love. The first installment in our 2021 series of Christmas-time-travel-romance movies, Next Stop, Christmas makes a lot of interesting choices -- starting with the comma in their title. They also have some fun stunt casting, very attractive leads, and some pretty great romantic banter. Don't worry, we still take a lot of issue with other aspects of the movie though, namely the bad acting, the problematic takes on divorce and adoption, and, most importantly, the idea that a hot, young Manhattan doctor would live in Yonkers. Grab your shiny gold ticket and hop on before our train disappears into a time vortex! 

CW: This movie talks a lot about suicide (and not very well might we add). Thus, we also talk a lot about suicide in this episode (hopefully slightly less poorly?). If you don't want to listen to that, feel free to skip this episode.

However, you should definitely listen if you think that any girl that was sort of mean to you in high school deserves to die. This movie is real wish fulfillment for that. But not if you want the girl that was like, the meanest to you to die. She will continue to avoid any capital punishment because her parents got divorced, so she has suffered enough. Also, sorry, but that mean girl who dies? She's not even that sad about it. She's actually pretty happy to play martyr because she had some good times in high school and that's a life, ya know? So really, not sure who this movie was for in the end, but it definitely wasn't us. Enjoy!

Timesluts, Broadway fans, lend us your ears! This week we got to add a little Broadway flavor to the pod in the form of not one, not two, but THREE Broadway faves starring in a mediocre time travel movie (yes, we are counting that time that Orland Bloom was in a poorly reviewed Romeo and Juliet for a minute)! Will this be the closest thing we ever get to a time-travel musical? Maybe. Will we ever stop hearing about “The La Jolla Days”?? Definitely not.

Oh, you haven't heard of My Future Boyfriend? The ABC Family Original Movie starring that guy from 7th Heaven? Wow, you're uncultured. Well, no matter, we will introduce you to this cinematic classic and try not to get too distracted along the way by 7th Heaven and The Giver. But also, we're going to get too distracted along the way by 7th Heaven and The Giver. Also, stick around after the credits for a truly uninformed discussion about Natalie Wood. 

Oh hell to the yeah, time sluts! Almost a year to the day after we had our very first guest on the podcast, we have our very first repeat guest! And, crazily enough, it's the same person! And still the person that lives with Paige! Because we are creative and resourceful! Anyway, welcome back to your ears, Liam Bouquet, a PHD candidate in politics who is still banned from Twitter and still coparents Paige's dogs. However, unlike last time, Paige and Liam are now married so everything is different and nothing is the same. Liam insisted we watch this movie after sitting through part of the garbage that was The Tomorrow War (see our 9/1/2021 episode), and this movie is, indeed, a much better version of that movie! Please enjoy all of our thoughts, mainly on how weird Tom Cruz is, but also on this movie and that we liked it. 

Welcome to Time After Time, the podcast where, this week, as our guest aptly put it, we are "Guy Pearce-ing through Time". Yes, you can expect that wit and more as we are joined by Vince Hannam of Camp Kaiju: Monster Movie Talkto discuss the time travel romance/monster movie, The Time Machine. This 2002 version of the H.G. Wells classic is trying to do so much and ends up saying so little. It also has the most beautiful time machine we've seen so far, a plethora of very campy monsters, and the sassiest 800,000 year-old hologram you could conceive of.

Check out Camp Kaiju on Instagram (@camp_kaiju). You can also follow both your hosts (@paigeilyssa821 and @helaylay234) and our guest (@vshannam) individually on Instagram.

Everyone, take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief, because this movie, TIME FREAK, is truly a return to form for our little ol' podcast -- a slightly-bad romcom.  This is why we're here: on this pod, on this planet, on this temporal plane. We're here only to go over this problematic romance fueled by less-problematic time travel. Anyway, this movie is fun, and we have fun discussing it. It is also unethical according to our time-travel ethics standards, so we also have fun discussing that. You also get a bonus mini-episode mixed in where Helena explains the plot of a DIFFERENT time-travel movie that she started watching and then banned from the podcast forever. What is the movie?! Why did she have to stop it 40 minutes in?! Tune in to find out! And never stop keeping an eye out for time-travelers trying to trick you into marrying them. 

This movie has everything: A super-jacked J.K. Simmons! A delightfully hilarious Sam Richardson! Chris Pratt shooting things in the face! And so many daddy issues! What more could we want? I mean...besides better pacing, a more interesting plot, and less-confusing politics. Spoiler alert --  This movie is shockingly boring. But luckily, this episode is not. We are as witty as ever, Helena is as thirsty for J.K. Simmons as ever, and the trains outside our window are as long as ever. 

It's the movie that is sort of our namesake, TIME AFTER TIME! How exciting! We discuss the title trajectory from this movie to our podcast on the episode, and obviously Cyndi Lauper is involved. We also discuss other, arguably less important, historical figures, H.G. Wells and Jack the Ripper. Were they friends? Are they the only two people that were at all relevant to late 19th century London? Do they belong in the same movie? These are some questions this movie accidentally poses. It also poses major questions about its own genre and time travel itself that we attempt to work through with our trademark nuance and class.  

Today, we complete our trifecta of Netflix Original time travel romcoms with Naked. Do you like our podcast but wish we did more close readings of 90s R&B Ballads? Well, your prayers have been answered. Buried in this beautiful episode is an answer to the age old question of "Does Brian McKnight's hit 'Back at One' actually make sense in any way?" We also have a super nuanced conversation about how nudity is, in fact, very funny. Please follow along while we try to figure out what this movie thinks should take top priority in your life: marriage, jobs, fatherhood, marriage as job, fatherhood as job, marriage as fatherhood, lottery tickets, lottery tickets as marriage, lottery tickets as marriage job. You'll get it later. 

LADIES, we DID just travel back to the 1950s! Really getting in the big ol' time machine and zipping on back for this one. Join us as we explore the black and white time period of 1951 and the technicolor time period of 1784. Also, if you can make it through all our jibber jabber about krumpets and bit coin, you'll be rewarded with a truly educational and insightful segment of Helena's Queer-Coding Corner. So, just as Peter aggressively and sexually tells Roger to do, we implore you to take off your coat and come upstairs. And by come upstairs, we mean just listen to our podcast wherever you are, but if you have a second story, wow that's impressive, and please, come upstairs. 

Picture it. Summer of 2006. Your fair hosts had just started going to PG-13 movies. Adam Sandler decides to get into the PG-13 time travel romance comedy business. Seems like a match made in heaven, no? No, as it turns out. Spoiler, nothing about this movie holds up and we now worry about what damage this did to our lil 13-year-old psyches. BUT LUCKILY, turns out extremely problematic movies lead to meaty, important podcast convos, and we dive in real deep this episode, particularly about the harmful messaging around fatphobia and diet-culture. But also this movie takes an "if you can dream it, you can be it" approach to punching down and mocking any group you think could possibly be mocked. Fun! Yay! Culture!  Since we talk about our instagrams in this episode, feel free to follow us @paigeilyssa821 and @helaylay234. 

Oh boy, this movie is a hot mess – a sort of waking nightmare, if you will. Obviously, we wanted to honor our muse, so this episode is a bit messy too. But definitely not a nightmare. Just good old fun at the expense of a little of our sanity. Honestly, you should listen to this just for the plot summary...a classic case of "We can't make this stuff up, folks!" and "We can't make this any funnier than the source material."  You know what's also not a nightmare? Our Twitter. Total dream. 

"STOP! In the name of clocks, before you break all time." Just a little preview of the creative genius you will be getting on this week's episode as we review the nostalgia film of a generation, Clockstoppers. You remember this one from your Nickelodeon days, unless you're Helena, and/or you're lame. There's also a mini-review of The Lizzie Mcguire Movie hidden somewhere in this episode because we're really giving like that. 

Wow 2004 and 2006, such different, different times. How lucky are we to explore both of them and their differences in this week's film, The Lake House. This movie stars a true icon Sandra Bullock, her friend Keanu Reeves, a very cute dog, and a magical mailbox. What more could you ask for? Please enjoy our delight at the romance and our disgust at the truly irredeemable time travel inconsistencies in this movie as Helena fights through allergy season and Paige through her urges to recount the plot of every movie she watched as a child. 

Well, we have failed you time sluts. This movie is described as Jack going through alternate timelines to give his sister the perfect wedding. Sounds like time travel, no? Reviewers described this as a time travel movie, it is on lists of time travel romcoms, Helena Farhi, time travel EXPERT, saw it before we even began this podcast and was like, yes, this is time travel movie. AND YET. No one in the movie time travels...except I guess maybe the omniscient Judi-Dench sounding narrator that is not actually a character in the movie. In this movie, alternate timelines is used as a plot device, but there is not a character who time travels, and that is our litmus test, and we have failed it, but we still soldiered on with this episode because we soldiered through this movie and we had THOUGHTS. So don't worry, this episode is still chock-full of THOUGHTS, and a lot of questions about these alternate timelines that this movie does NOT answer. Also, if you make it all the way to the very end, you'll be rewarded with us sounding maybe the dumbest we've ever sounded? Math is hard.  

It feels like the entire podcast has been leading to this moment. We finally get to talk about the Academy Award winning Shrek saga. We specifically get to talk about the time travel antics and romance in the final (maybe? for now?) installment of the series, Shrek Forever After. This movie was truly a delight, and we hope that delight seeps right on through this episode and into your ears and then your brain and makes you happy and also an ogre. YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. Also, if your fave part of the podcast is when we burst into song or go down rabbit holes about how to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, boy howdy is this the episode for you.  

One movie; three names...endless possibilities? Does the man actually have rain in his boots? Are there two yesterdays? Will Penelope Cruz ever actually appear in this movie? These are all questions we will answer for you on this special HELENA'S BIRTHDAY EDITION of the pod. Yes, that's right, it's Helena's second quarantine birthday and all she wants is for you to listen to our podcast and agree with everything we say and follow us to the end's of the Earth. Can't you just do that for her? 

Hey time sluts, we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we have another engaging and wonderful guest this week. If you listened to the Peggy Sue Got Married episode, you'll know him as the smartest person who went to Paige's high school...who is not the smartest person she knows now. Everyone else will just know him as Michael Jalkio, Iron Man triathlete, Amazon coder, and, most importantly for this episode, former high school boy. The bad news is that spoiler alert: this movie, Premature, is truly terrible. But less-bad news: it is terrible in so many ways that are worth talking about and also leads Paige and Michael on a trip down memory lane that gets real fun and deep.  More bad news: There is a gross scene in this movie that fetishizes Asian sex workers. We are seeing the dire effects of this kind of representation right now in the world, so we are using this terrible scene as extra motivation to donate money to Red Canary Song, a grassroots collective of Asian and migrant sex workers, and we encourage all our listeners to do the same if they are able. If the hyperlink above does not work, their website is www.redcanarysong.net. 

It's a beautiful day in the Time After Time neighborhood as we welcome a very special guest, Paul Farhi. Paul is a renowned reporter for the Washington Post, a three-time winner of the National Press Club award for media reporting and criticism, a fierce Twitter presence, and MOST importantly, the father to a certified expert in time travel romances. (The certified expert is Helena, and Paige made her the certification.) Paul is an extremely knowledgable addition this week as we discuss Peggy Sue Got Married, a 1986 classic where we watch a clearly 30-something-year-old Kathleen Turner pretend to be 43 and then 18, and we watch a young Nicolas Cage pretend to be a real-life human being. Come for the Francis Ford Coppola, stay for the Jim Carrey.   Follow our guest on Twitter at @farhip.

Hi, hello, let's go on a journey all the way back to a couple weeks ago and hang out with Mark and Margaret in the movie-with-the-too-long-title, The Map of Tiny Perfect Things. As we come up on the year anniversary of quarantine, it has never felt more appropriate to talk about being stuck in a time loop for an hour. Luckily, watching Mark and Margaret get unstuck from their time loop gave us a glimmer of hope that one day we can too. Or not. Either way, keep wearing masks, get the vaccine, and never stop listening to our podcast on a loop.  

There is something very comforting about old movies, especially when they avoid super problematic tendencies. There is also something very comforting about Paige's couch, especially when there's an Helena on it, and the combined comfort of this movie and the couch made us a wee bit silly during this episode. Stay on until the very end to hear the worst of it, where we go down a deep rabbit hole of which nineteenth-century female writers were definitely, historically super gay. But before that, you can hear us delight in a classic heterosexual love story, which (Spoiler Alert!) DOES stand the test of time. We hope you enjoy as much as we did. 

Oh hello, didn't see you there. Welcome to our Jake Johnson fandom podcast. But only the Jake Johnson from new girl. Not the Jake Johnson in this movie, 'cause he problematic as hell. But alas, we powered through and had some fun along the way because this movie should be fun, right? RIGHT? We so want it to be fun. Grab your zither and join us on our confusing journey. 

Hello time sluts! Your fearless leaders like to think they are pretty smart, but turns out, they are dumb dumbs compared to this film. Follow along as we try to decipher and summarize and explain and somehow get so confused that we actually agree on a doomsday clock rating for once! Also, if you stay until the very end, you'll get some great new podcast ideas to steal. But don't steal them because we'll curse you into a time-loop muahahaha. See? We dumb dumbs.  Here is the link to the diagram we reference: https://www.thisisbarry.com/wp-content/uploads/TheInfiniteMan/Infinity-Man-Timeline-Diagram-1.png 

Happy New Year and Happy Accidents! Woah, what a strange coincidence (or happy accident, amirite?)! Anyway, welcome back to 2021--we made it to the future--unlike back-travelers in this movie who only make it to the past. This is a big moment for the pod (listen in for a historic/herstoric joke) because we watched the movie and recorded this separately, so we even surprised each other with our hot takes! It's a fun episode, but we do apologize in advance if we offend any timesluts who are also superhero movie fanatics.  

HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAYS TIME SLUTS! Welcome to a new podcast called "Paige lists award shows for twenty minutes." Just kidding, that's what we call an inside joke, which you will get if you listen to this very fun, very exclusive a-list, very insider-y podcast. Also, we spend quite a while diving back through the magic that was the 1990s classic Sister, Sister. Honestly, even if you decide not to listen to this episode, go watch Sister, Sister on Netflix; we did right after recording, and it was an amazing time. But also listen to this podcast, because we are smart and funny and so mature and cool that we somehow avoided making any "Christmas CUMS twice" jokes this whole episode!  Also, enjoy the holidays as best you can, stay safe, stay warm, stay vigilant for time travelers, and DON'T START A NEW YEAR'S DIET. We love you more than Hallmark movies love a closed-mouth kiss on Christmas Eve. 

Fah-la-la time sluts, and welcome to another Christmas time travel CLASSIC, The Knight Before Christmas! This episode is too long because we had too much fun discussing this film with best friend of the pod, Charlie Brook! Not only is she one of the best humans we've ever met, she also produced Perpeturapetion, a whole documentary about rape culture in the media, and has her own podcast on rape culture in the media, Her Me Out. (Check out the Legally Blonde episode or the Anchorman episode for some familiar voices). She's a feminist icon and also very hot. Anyways, we do some great banter and make some great jokes at this film's expense, what more could you want? Also, rate, review, etc etc. 

Merry Christmas Time Sluts! It's early November, so you know what that means. Halloween is OVER and it's Christmas movies from here on out. We tried to find a nice Halloween-Christmas bridge this week with Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, but listen as we discuss why that didn't quite work out. Also, if you're all "Bah-Hum-Bug I HATE CHRISTMAS", still listen because you'll learn a lot about Ben Affleck's dating timeline and hear Helena's tally of just how many gay jokes they managed to cram in to this movie full of straight people. Next week, we will dive deep into Christmas territory with the first of our Hallmark movies, A Timeless Christmas. Love you, mean it.

Hello and welcome to spooky ass Scorpio season! We do not talk about Scorpios or Halloween at all in the episode, and we truly apologize for that. But speaking of this spine-chilling, hair-raising season, you might feel like you have Déjà Vu while listening to this episode because Rachel McAdams is back baby! And she is once again romantically entwined with a low-stakes time traveler with a dead parent! However, this film, The Time Traveler’s Wife seems to stir up way more intense feelings from both Paige and Helena than About Time did last episode. Get excited for how far apart your hosts are on the Doomsday Clock! Anyway, speaking of ghosts, we’re bridging the divide between Halloween and Christmas by doing Ghosts of Girlfriends Past next episode. 

Happy Wednesday, distinguished time sluts! We have a fun surprise for you this week, and it's not just that we managed to get through a whole episode without a single reference to 9/11. This week, we have our very first guest! Liam Bouquet is a PHD candidate in politics, has been permanently banned from Twitter, and, most importantly, is the co-parent to Paige's dogs. Basically, we went the easiest route possible for a guest and got Paige's partner who lives in the place where we recorded this. But, luckily for us, Liam is a hilarious genius full of insight into the 2013 romantic-comedy, About Time.  Honestly, we are just thrilled we finally get to talk about Rachel McAdams, the queen of time travel romcoms, WHO NEVER GETS TO TIME TRAVEL. If this isn't the defining tragedy of our generation, we don't know what is. Anyway, enjoy! Also, slide into Helena's DMs. 

This week we're chatting about Kate and Leopold, and, if you've been waiting for your favorite time-travel, romantic-comedy podcast to discuss 9/11, then this is the episode for you! We also delve into how this is a movie about New York definitely written by people who live in LA, how maybe Meg Ryan is a bad actor, and how this movie's takes on chivalry and capitalism are confusing, etc etc etc. Also, if you need more time-travel, romantic-comedy content, feel free to start doing some homework for our next episode when we will be discussing: About Time. Spoiler alert: Paige remembers liking it and Helena remembers disliking it, so discourse will be had! 

Love IS a battlefield. And there's no better soldiers to go into battle with than our time sluts. Please enjoy our delight in this 2004 classic in which feminist icon Mark Ruffalo calls 7 minutes in Heaven "spin the rapist". Listen to us debunk the myth that all New York women wear heels 24/7, and then, if you want to see Helena as a purse, go to one of our Instagrams (@helaylay234 or @paigeilyssa821).  Also, as always, the world's literally on fire, so please go to pcun.org and donate to help farmworkers displaced by wildfires.

Hey did you accidentally stumble into a time machine and stumble out in the very concerning year of 2020? Does quarantine feel like you're stuck in an endless time loop? Do you need to listen to more white ladies talk about romantic comedies?! Well, then...listen up for some romantic comedy, time-traveling weed wacking.